Take my hand and lead me through
The halls that we once walked
However, I find it hard to approach you
After what happened in our last talk

I'm there again, in that gym
Like, once more, I'm in eight grade
You're doing what you do best
While I'm stuck standing there and afraid

The music is on, playing numb melodies
I should probably start to move
But how I can  bring myself to dance
When I'm hypnotized by you?

It felt like eight grade all over again
But reality followed me into this dream
Because I'm older than I used to be
And someone else had followed me

He wasn't there in presence
But he was floating over the dream
He's the reason I feel guilty
For what I see when I'm asleep

You notice me once and look away
Because you are still hurt by me
But little by little you look again
Then keep a gaze steadily

Nervously, I walk over to you
And ask if we could talk
So you said, still unknowingly
"Sure, I guess we could take a walk"

We walk across the dance floor
To a bench in the corner of the place
Where we talk about feelings and dreams
As a familiar smile spread across your face

Little by little, fingers inched across separate oceans
Our hands got closer still
Until they intertwined within in each other
And ignited the feelings we thought we killed

Eventually, we got up from that bench
To roam throughout our old school
With my head on your shoulder we walked around
Remembering places that we knew

"Remember that time we had tech-ed there together?"
I said in that hallways as I reminisced
"I remember" you said
"But, since then, it is really you that I have missed"

After that, we walked some more and sat together
It was so tangible, it felt like it was true
I could hear, see, touch, and think
Once again, I could feel things for you

But that is the cruelty of my dreams
Everything is so realistic
It feels like life until I wake up suddenly
Alone in my bed and nostalgic

Talking to you answered some questions
But left more unanswered
Do you still read my poems?
I write to you
Hoping you would know that there is so much confusion
That I am not just leading you to believe that I am someone who does this sort of thing often
You're where it all started
I can't just let go
It's been so hard for so very long
To try not to look at you
And try to say to myself that you don't think of me even if I think of you
To try to believe that maybe it is just me who feels like this
But when you told me you loved me, something was there
Something that was missing was half filled
Not the whole way completed because all I find from you are empty promises
Nothing felt real
Because of the way you talked to me after you said it
I wanted you to tell me nice things you used to tell me
That's what I wanted when you asked
But I couldn't say it because it wouldn't be fair
I would have wanted too much
The complete love of two people
And he knows all of this, he knows about how I feel
That's why I feel guilty and bad for all of this
But he knows I will always have feelings for you
It's something about the first love that you have
It's just so confusing when you talk to me
If you missed me, missed us, you didn't talk to me like you loved me
It was  like I was some tattoo that meant something, and now you regret getting, but it won't go away
And whenever I see you, you just look at anything other than me
Because I think you're afraid I can see right through you
Well, I'm looking at you, knowing that you can see straight through me
I'm tired of putting up layers and disguises to hide how I feel
And I'd like to believe that you still love me too
That you are even reading this
But I don't know anymore

Oh, Kai Guy
How I love to pick you up and spin you in circles
To watch the overwhelming bliss that comes to your face
From centripetal force

Then I set you down on the floor
Back to reality once more
You stumble and even fall some times
Tumbling to the ground in childish wonder
But you always come back asking for another spin

Trapped inside of geometric shaped walls
With clouds on the ceiling, the paper crawls
Blue skies for square feet
Polka dot bed sheets
Somehow I can't sleep

Fair-prize stuffed animals strewn around
On the shelves, cabinets, and on the ground
Cuddled in blankets with frozen feet
I attempt to find my escape to sleep

But so much is riddled in my mind
That I can't think in a straight line
You're leaving, going, going, gone
What is right when it's all wrong?
You're not here and now I'm not strong
I should have known this all along

You're so much more than I ever told
Now that we have both grown old
We were fists and fights
Wrongs and Rights
Nights and Lights

But we changed and grew to not spat
We are hip to hip instead of *** for tat
So now it's hard to sleep
Counting minutes
Counting sheep
When you're not here, but in Kentucky

You tell me you love her
And it sounds like she does too
But nights outside with bonfires
Show how she thinks of you

For the past months spent together
You have grown closer than
You have ever had another
You have grown past being friends

Your heart aches when her lips
Touch that despicable bottle
And she stumbles around in its haze
But even then she is a model

She will be better in the morning
A little hungover, though, it's true
And when she is done loving him
She will realize she loves you

How could I suffocate
My living, breathing fantasies?
Vacuum seal them, pack them up
Asphyxiate the fire inside me

Why do I detest the intricate ways
My heart wants what it wants?
Its off rhythm beats and wildness
A feral labyrinth of knots

I am slowly untying, exploring and finding
Myself within my own mess
If others deserve what makes them happy
Why would I deserve any less?

Stop shaking*
Stop Shaking!
I have my head under the sleeping bag
And an unkown feeling in my heart
Something i'm too scared to say
Hanging on to your every word
I'm so scared
Scared of myself
And how I feel for you
Maybe if I could just stop shaking
I could think straight

Can you fix something
If it's already broken?

I always try to repair
What needs helped

While you
Simply let it go

I beat things to death
Trying to fix them
Maybe I just cause more damage
By trying to force them together
When maybe they were better off falling apart

I see less and less of you each day
At least that's what you told me last time you weighed
I notice your scapula prickling through a shirt
I can't tell you otherwise even if it does hurt

Because telling you I'm suffering would make you feel less
I can't completely understand, it's only my guess
That your smile is a disguise, it's your precious defense
If I could only sneak into your mind and teach you some sense

But no word I could utter would be new or unique
All I can do is sit here and wipe tears from your cheek
Just hug you tight in our tilt-a-world ride
Because everyone needs a friend by their side

I'm scared you won't change, you can't bring yourself to
I can see the way it's ripped apart and mortified you
Your body is scarily shrinking, striking and dissipating
And all I can do to help change is sit here waiting

They say that life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death
But you seem to live it, grasp its size and its breadth
I wish you could see your worth in another's eyes
It's your humor, your vibrance, but never your size

Prune puree
Applesauce
Toast with jam
Tablecloth

I want us
To age well
Blossoming unity
I truly tell

In our old age
Please always be
My confidant
My busy bee

In summer rain
And morning dew
I reach my hand
And search for you

I hope to always
Find you there
My lifelong wish
My love affair

She is captivating:
She is my pet,
She is my fire,
My little nymphet.

Annabel, dearest, of sea-word waves,
Of sandcastles torn down by hungry waters.
Even now, the scepter of my passion
Stands at attention with memory.

As Humbert ages, his desire stays
Grown ladies don’t suffice.
As he dreams of Annabel in sea-word waves,
Nymphets become his vice.

But I am no liar--I am no ******
Ladies and gentleman of the jury, be calm.
And recognize that Humbert’s eyes
See your every qualm.

Nevertheless, she is captivating:
She is my pet
She is my fire
My little nymphet.

We aren't really kids anymore
Yet I still care for you as a child does
With a trusting nature and a wonder
But I want you like a woman does
In all of those ways
In every aspect of the phrase

I'm not ready to grow up, I want time to pause
I love the swing sets, I love innocence, the imagination
Why can't we just have the mindset of children, but only get bigger?

To the world, you are concrete
You are a face of stone because at one point you were soft
Vulnerable
And when you were vulnerable, you cracked
So you hardened

You are a slab of solid rock, yet replaceable in your own eyes
Someone could wander along one day and fill you over with someone new
Someone fresh and vibrant
But did you ever think of the marks that are left in the surface of concrete?

They distinguish that you were here, you were remarkable
You did something worth remembering
So, yes, concrete is easy to replace, but only if you let it become replaceable

Fingers tapping out rhythms of love songs
The beats matching the thumping of our hearts
Your eyes of hazel, so noble, so strong
I knew from then on that we shouldn’t part

But in that time when love seemed too painful
I was leaving all, and you too, behind
To a different state, feeling disdainful
Warfare of apart begins in the mind

But not distance nor life can separate
Your sweet and patient demeanor divine
Reels me in, holds me happy, makes me wait
For more moments, floral as sips of wine

You are a knight dressed in normal clothing
You are the bright of the morn, imposing

Talking to you
Sometimes
Is like screaming
To the wind
Touching mist
In one ear
Past a space
Out the other

I try to speak
Nothing sticks
I am mute
So it seems
Why is this?

I have found
Little things
Poems I wrote
Years ago
Where I found
The same thing

I cry out
To you dear
What response
Do I hear?

I JUST ALWAYS FELT SO*   *small   **COMPARED TO YOU

When I'm left to my own devices
I'm adept to live with crisis
It's just when others mix themselves in
Then the trouble starts to begin
I tend to second guess myself and always think twice
But this hesitation comes at a price
When life is lived for others
All your hopes and dreams are smothered

You are living, breathing poetry
When I'm around you, I can't help but think in rhymes
I imagine synonyms for your style
And enjoy every minute of our times

Your touch, to me, just sparkles
Like tiny diamond rings
It flowers, blossoms, and it blooms
With every wave your passion brings

Your smile warms and cools me
Just like a secret summer night
The kind spent on back porches
Where talks last until the light

Oh, and the way you turn back and look at me
Turns me into a cliche
Because my arms and spine shiver
And my knees start to give way

Like I said, you're living poetry
Even though you can't see how
And when your poem is read you're still humble
You don't need to take a bow

I am lost because I have not found the map

You confuse me
And I don't know
How I feel so flip flopped
So incomplete sometimes
When we talk
And at other times
My heart feels so full
I can hardly breathe
I don't know why
You do these things to me

Part of the time you are
Someone else, different
You're maturate and motivated
Driven and strong
A man and I love it
Funny and focused
Intelligent and responsible
Put you in a suit
And I would gladly
Remove all my clothes
Right there on the spot
I adore every part

However the other portion of the time
You're downright childish
And I don't know how to deal
You ask me questions
As if I never want to see you again
Even though we say openly
That we love each other
Do you really think
That if I said that I loved you
That I wouldn't want to see you
And it would be easier for me
To not see you for two years
Until I graduate and move
Do you really think
That I don't miss you at all
I don't miss this part
The insecure part
Hiding behind humor
You get lost in the joke
And forget that I can see
Right through your masquerade
Always have, always will
And I'm wondering
If you never got to be a kid
And this is you
Living in our memory
Of when we were younger
I just want to feel like you've matured
For the most part
We can still be silly
Whenever we want to
But not in the way you have been

Lately conversations seem forced
Not forced, but strained
Like I don't know what to say
We've only been together a week
It shouldn't be this way
Maybe it's just our history
Getting in the way

I said I hadn't seen
The same love since
It promptly folded its newpaper
Picked up its hat
And departed
Path uncharted
Unsure of return or existence

I found him again
As he quietly unfolded the Sunday paper
Sipped his watered down diner coffee
Silently entered into the chambers of my heart
Same place and manner as the start

Love, to me, is an elderly man
Worn and tried
Tender and wise
With companionship
And twinkling eyes

And I know him again
How I thought myself deranged
For loving you all these years
In my heart, nothing changed

If I may
Be so free
To tell you I
Don't think it's me

I've known you long
Your true heart
Beats off time
To think us part

If it is
Left to grieve
You worry I
Love to leave

I want it.
The shaking.
I won't know
Otherwise
If it is
Absent.
I wish
My eyesight
Would
Blur and
Vibrate
I don't
Know if I
Can feel that
Anymore
I've been
there too
Many times
It lost its
Touch.
Even at
My lowest
I didn't feel
That low
There
was room
to go down
Further
When would
I feel
it?
When would
I
crash?

How lucky
Are we to
Find each other
In a parade
Of strangers

Today was the first day in a while that I thought
About being in your dad's garage
While you set up your lights and trusses
Trying to make a show
You explained to me how they worked
And smiled that smile when you looked over at me
While I was just soaking it all in

I remember, once, being there
Being lost with you
In that moment
Listening to blaring music
Watching your light show play on the ceiling and walls
Being amazed by you
And what you could do
My heart full to bursting of things I couldn't say
Feelings I felt for you
Being there was like being in your heart
I was a third party watching you doing what you loved best
Surrounded by the things you loved the most
Things you are great at
And, now, I can't look at you doing it
Creating shows and productions
Like at homecoming or at prom
Because it breaks my heart again and again
To know I can't stand in your garage and see you create
*Magic

I'm a slave to the words
A marionette in the music
As I'm assuaged I've moved on
Muscle memory's proven

I can pick up the patern
Feel its reverberating sound
Emotions heightnened, rising action
Then I collapse to the ground

I hoped I wouldn't have to
Ever again play my part
But my name's in the playbill
I know the motions by heart

We were too young, before
I'm assured
That we weren't meant for then
But for now, we were fashioned
A love without ration

Your soft kiss on the palm of my hand
Twisting roads and revealing plans
Hold onto me as I will you
I have never seen it quite this true
I'll never cease to marvel at how
We were meant for now

What's so bad about remembering
Only for a little while?

I wonder if we have anything in common
We probably do.
*We can't be that different

I hope it's everything he could ever imagine
I hope it's exciting and new
I hope it's something that will make him love learning more
I really just hope he won't be made fun of
It would break my heart in to small microscopic pieces
If he came home crying because of something some kid said
About his weight or the fact that he is twice the size of anyone else
He is so sensitive, can't everyone see that?
Dear Bully, don't make fun of him
Don't push it past that point of innocent child's play
Don't make him hate himself
Don't make him cry
Even though you can't see me behind him, I am there
Everything you do to him, I can see
I can feel it just as he does
So the next time you think about making fun of someone
Just remember that maybe they have an older sister
Or someone else who cares that much
Who feels that pain as much as your victim

You know you are getting bored when you start to make up a song about your dogs wanting their dinner
*In Spanish

I had been waiting
For you to be different
For my whole life
You were all I had wanted

What happens to you
When you find yourself
Living an answered prayer
But still missing something

I tapped my fingers on tabletops
Sang ballads in the shower
I had no idea what it was
That made us incomplete

It wasn't always just so
There were so many times
I felt so full I could burst
And love would leak from within

But when I lacked, it was dark
I felt dry, like a locked empty home
I folded in to myself, origami swan
Creased and dog eared, not the first time

I loved the idea of life you told me
We could have had together
Did everything I could to help you
Get us there eventually

But I realized that eventually
You would still drown out
My little, little voice
Among the noise of your speakers

No matter how much money
You made, it would be the same
Chasing something that would
Never be enough in the end

I was waiting for you
To love and prioritize me
To see me for exactly who I was
Instead of who you had wished I would be

Someone who always loved you
Put you first and cherished your quirks
Who would have stayed but saw
That you would never change

You find no fault
In what you have done
It is me to blame
For not accepting partial love

I found out that what was
Missing all along was you
Truly respecting and cherishing me
As freely as I did it for you

So instead of waiting
For you to change, I did
“Mom, I am a rich man”
I changed into the partner I needed

Someone who cherishes me
Someone who protects me
Someone who puts me first
Someone who isn't afraid to be close to me

I
Just love
How we fall
In to
And for
Each other
Again and again

As if
Any of those
Times I've had
You before
Would make me less
Want you more

I want you
To grab
Fistfulls
and
Fistfulls
Of me
In your
Strong hands
To
Explore
To
Dive
Deep
Inside
Of
Me
Like a
Mountain Spring
That
Will
Never
Stop
Gushing
An endless
Supply
You and I
Are
The
Same

The well hath run dry
So why do I keep on drilling?
Searching for more emotion
To seep forth
I used to look at you and feel the waterfall of feelings
But now I just look
And inside I feel a desert
An unfeeling tundra
Too numb to sense

I used to hate that silence
That unbearable silence you had over me
But now I live in it
I find solace that maybe no news is better than bad news
I use it to my advantage
Maybe you weren't worth my attention
After all

Because at a certain point
You get sick of remembering
You get nauseous of nostalgia
That is when you can truly move on

Did I ever disclose
The exact moment I really found myself
Thinking about you seriously
In the way that the guarded part
Of my heart wouldn't allow me to?

I sat in a crowded room in a new hotel
Quick glances at social media before
The conference started, before the hush
When I scrolled past your face on the screen
Well, more specifically, the top of your head
Looking down, focused intently
On fixing a multi thousand dollar projector
Eager to take on new tasks, very handy, ready to help
And forgetting to sensor my own thoughts
I envisioned you fixing a broken hot water heater
In a starter home for us two
Laughing as you mended trivial things that I broke
Due to my knack for unintentionally destroying
Whatever comes in contact with my hands
But I saw you there with me, in the not-so-distant future
I saw us together, happy, very much in love,
And I thought "Wow, I could marry that man,  I want to"

Then I caught myself
My guarded heart kicked my wandering mind
In the seat of its pants as I teared up and reminded myself
Not to get too attached, not to be too trusting
Not to dream of it, for it won't happen anyway
The part of me that has learned that it is better
To be closed and prudent
Rather than to open my heart up
With the possibility of it shattering

But as I've spent more time with you
Seen your exposed heart and held your hand
Shared mine, showed mine, let you hold mine
I've realized that if I don't open up to the chance
Of having you hurt me
I would never get to experience the sweetness
Of truly loving you with my whole heart

*Perhaps you have been fixing the thing
That needed fixed most of all

You're like a drug
And I'm the addict
Trying to break free
From your grasp
But I can't help but trip and fall
Sometimes
When I have a relapse

You break my heart
Every single time
It's okay
I don't mind

Don't look at me
I am actually scared
Scared that you'll see through me
And the face that I've prepared

But I can't help but feel
That I break my own heart
Even believing there's a chance
That you think of me

I build up these walls around you
Securing my feelings and reasons
But once I see you, my true feelings show through
And I thought that I was in a new season

Brick by brick, I build up and up
My wall of avoidance is unbreakable
But your presence and voice give me no choice
To reveal my heart, unmistakable

When you address me at all, my sturdy, strong wall
Obliterates into crumble and ashes
My hearts skips its beats, I look at my feet
And time seems like it never passes

Why the **** do I love you? It crazy; absurd.
Is it the way you are so out of my reach?
I stumble and tumble around you in fumbles
Without you seeming to know the secrets I keep

You can't see me treading these waters
With a shark just looming below
I swam and I swum, but when I got done
I realized that you'll never know

I'd want you to save me from this hell
I'm sure that after I'd be just fine
But when I look around, I've finally found
The blame for this hell is mine

There is never a house
There is never a home
There is never a life
For a man on the road

The show highs are so high
And the show lows are so low
But they'll always be
For a man on the road

Hotel rooms are lonely
Nights spent while you roam
They never feel *****
To a man on the road

The women are there
They come, but they go
How can they truly love
A man on the road?

I once wanted to follow one
Who carried life's load
But there was no room for me
With my man on the road

My love will remain what it is
While he roams and he roams
He'll carry it with him
My man on the road

A representation of our love
*Beautiful, soft, pure, and real

Nodded off and then awakened
Fluttered open bright blue eyes
You woven tight right up against me
Legs, arms, whole bodies intertwined

Absorbing the moment slowly
Heart filled to bursting at my front
I sighed, closed my eyes, and thought
"This is all I'll ever want"

Come with me, while I'm light upon my feet
The grass is green, the air is sweet
As we navigate through fields and around the plain
I pray you won't forget my name

As we grow up and up from our childhood guile
I hope you will look upon me and smile
Because I still will remember you the same
So, please, remember my name

And in those cold, dark lonely nights
I had always wished to hold you tight
To shield you from what comes again
Always, please, remember my name

I've loved you, love you, always will
And if you can remember still
How we used to tirelessly play the game
How could you, dear, forget my name?

I can't help that I'm not graceful
I still can't do a cartwheel
Or maybe I can
I haven't checked in a while

I can't help that I'm not breathtaking
I have never seen my effect on others
I actually never thought about
If he catches his breath when he sees me

I can't help that I get anxious
My feet tap, I start to hyperventilate
But doesn't everyone?
Am I so abnormal?

I can't help being myself
Because if you think about it
Am I really so different
*From everyone else?

It sounds so silly to be crying over this piece of something
But this piece of something was our everything
You choked back tears and told me there will always be the memories
But I looked around inside our place and was filled with nostalgia
"This is the last time I'll be in here," I thought
The thought made my eyes well up with tears, and I started to blink rapidly
No one could possibly understand how much it means
That rusted piece of metal that we drove around in was where it all started
Where we started

It all started in track, where the throwers hung out in your van
Awaiting practice, just killing time together, listening to music
It was a home, our haven, in some silly way, just for a little while
It was the **** of all the jokes, not some Porsche by any means
But there was something about it's feel that made it unique

After track, it was post prom, that I was there with you
Falling asleep at five in the morning, listening to the radio
With your hand on my knee, something just felt right
When we got back to my house, I thought you tried to kiss me, but I hugged you instead because I wasn't ready
You drove away listening to the song "Mirrors" by Justin Timberlake
And you still tells me that you knew it was a sign

As the school days wearied down, we grew together
Longer days, shorter nights, and warmer weather
We started to see each other more and more
You always wanted to drive me home, pick me up
Just to spend more time together
You lived for that in-between time in the car
Driving around with you just always felt right

At graduation he was there too, we named him, you see
JFE for his license plate, but we pronounce it Jeffie
I watched you walk across the stand, receiving your diploma
And after we walked back to him, because you had something for me
Which wasn't how I thought graduation worked
But nonetheless you asked me to go get a toolbox from him trunk
To help you with some nameless task
So I opened it, expecting a wrench, but I was met with wrapping paper instead
In it was a card saying that you knew that I was hurt, but you were trying your best to show that your feelings were honest
And in the box were webcams to help us make it through the upcoming summer apart

He was there those first two weeks of summer
I bet we totaled a thousand miles
Going back and forth from place to place
Just spending all the time we could before you had to go
Those beautiful weeks, the best of my life
We stayed out until two a.m.  in my front yard, just talking in the front seats
I always came inside expecting a lecture on the time of night and the worries my mother had
But, I really didn't care
I spent every single day with you before you left
I wanted to make the most of a bad situation
Because it was planned before we happened

He was there that day you told me of your love
Like it was something that had to be said, it was already seen
You confessed you would miss me because of your feelings
That encompassed your life
It took me two weeks to return it
Not out of lack of it, but because I wanted to be absolutely positive it was love
Now, there is no doubt, but then I was a little shook up
And when I said it, we were standing right next to him
His chipped maroon exterior, with power windows that seldom rolled up, and his creaky sliding doors
I have since said those three words a million times in his vicinity

He was there when he left, after the beautiful time
We were so unhappy to be separating, it was unbearable
But he always brought you straight back home to me
I would look out for him everywhere I went in case you were back in town again
Waiting for the rumble of his engine from the bottom of the hill
Then I knew you were home again


Since you have come home to stay, he has been there for all of our countless days
For all the good and bad ones together
He has seen us shine and diminish, but he has always been the place
If we needed to talk, you would just turn the key off and park somewhere to resolve it
While driving in him, we have told countless stories and memories
We became best friends and fell in love there

He was there for all the memories
The ones that cannot be bought or sold
Even though he was named with a price
In my mind, he is priceless
A treasure
One of a kind
Even though he was made on a factory line of thousands
*Just like him

I have only felt this way
Once before now
And it was you then too