An ethereal beast

Your words are filled with magic
With a cold and dark sharpness
You paint a beautiful picture
And also craft the darkness

Your eyes they
Are
Just
So
Observant

And you fill me with whimsy
And interest
And intrude into my thoughts

The dreams you craft in daylight
The things you pull from the night

I want inside your daydreams
It’s somewhere
And where I want to hide

You speak like you are painting
Your words just
Creating life

I wonder what the paintings look like
Deep inside your mind

If you find me hiding there
Tucked out of sight
Curled up in a crevice
Hiding

It’s just because I found a place
One I can visualize
One that’s full of wonders
Seen through clearer eyes
One I know has darkness
And cracks that I can hide in

Something
Somewhere
Some
World
I can see it too

Paint me a hiding place with your words

Paint the whole world too.
Let me open my eyes
And gasp for air

Like I’m seeing it all
Through you

🖤

I’m not going anywhere
Words I repeat year after year
This feeling so strong
So true
So
Home

I find a home in this darkness
The dread
Lack of will
Lack of being

And I keep waiting.

I feel joy and
Happiness
And wonder in the world

But
Always come back to this

Dread
And worry
And sorrow
And lost in the wilderness
Of
Being

I stay
I rejoice and I
Laugh and I
Smile
And I feel the sun on my face

Yet alone
I am swallowed by
The darkness inside of me
The yearning and wonder
For beyond

Yet I stay.

I can't believe I let someone get to me
Someone I helped
And did everything I could
For so long
When I couldn't.
When I shouldn't have.
But I needed to help
Because I saw myself in her
I saw the same choices
I saw the same heart.
But I couldn't help
And I'm now of no use
And my safe place is now
Somewhere riddled with whispers
With remarks
Somewhere I was edged out
Set aside
Watching
I can't believe I let someone in
And tried my very best
To be turned on
Like a snake coiled to strike
That I only ever saw the most beautiful scales on
Never noticing
The potential to turn
The potential to tear down
Everything I built up
Everything I pulled her up to
I shared with
Everything I did
To get struck
Emotionally torn down

I can't believe I ever tried
I never could be so callous
So harsh
As I always do
Only speaking good, only seeing good
Only ever trying
So
Very
Hard
To help.

I am so sad
I cried in the dressing room again.
I am so sad.
With music and alcohol and people smiling around me.
I am so sad
I am spitting venom at people I love
People I like
People who make me smile
Because I am
So
******* sad
I am going to shut the world out
Have this pity party of one
This ******* lamentation
Of my good life
Of my easy life
Of my glitter covered
Music fueled
Life.
Because I am so sad.
And I don't think
I DO NOT BELIEVE
I deserve the help to feel better.
I am the firefighter, the champion, the
Positivity in their lives
I have it so well
I live it so well
But
I
Am
So
Sad.
And it is wearing me out.

I learned something new today
When I went to pick you up
While I cried, holding the cardboard box
The small box that holds what's left of you

I learned something today
While I drove with you on my lap
Thinking of how you enjoyed car rides
And adventures

I learned something
When I realized life goes on
The world goes on
Time doesn't care about us

I lamented how it isn't fair
And I crawled into bed with you by my side
And curled around the box that you
The box that is synonymous with you

And I cried.

I can't help lately
That I have stopped wanting to fight
Stopped wanting to snap
And bark and sting with my words
I've swept it under the rug
And given you a bear hug
And gritted my teeth and just been
Okay

I've stopped trying to tell you
To stop
To slow down
To listen
To talk
But I still start the sentences
That will come off ****** and come off
Rude
Or sharp
Or sassy.

And then I stop myself because
Why bother fighting and
Repeating and fighting
And
Repeating
Because I treasure you
When you smile and when we laugh
And when there is no time to say
Stop
Or slow down
Or come sleep
Or please eat

So now inside I have this turmoil
This weird feeling I haven't felt in so long
This screaming clawing gnawing tearing
Feeling
That wants me to speak
That wants me to scream
But instead

I am learning to just
Be
Okay
And let you be you and
Just stop
Nagging

It's so hard

I realized what you meant
When you thought it's just laziness
When you expressed your concern
Over my health
Over my being over
The lack
Of me
Lately.
Over the lack of art
The lack of things I create with my
Mind and my hands
And my need
To express
My insides
The raw things
And thoughts
And feelings
I understand
Your concern and desperate way
Of speaking
Your exasperated wondering
If something in me is broken.
I'm happy
But where is my art
My paintings
Drawings
Writing
Music
And I think
Maybe because I am happy
I have lost the ability
To create
The things I made before
Were art born of pain
Born of raw unfiltered sorrow
Anger
And when I'm happy
Art doesn't flow as easily
And I've just accepted it
And I've just accepted being
In a rut.
And I understand your
Anger
Your sorrow
Your wondering and fear
That I'm just going to be
Lazy and Undriven.
Your fear that
I've stopped
Being
That I've stopped going
That I'm in love
And that I love you
But what am I doing
Sleeping and eating and nothing
So much
Nothing.
I am going to change that.
I am going to change me.
Because I love you.
And love is not enough.
You need to see that spark in me.
You need to see that go.
The big dreams.
That I've tucked away.
For comfort in sleep.
I need those nights where I toss
And turn
Until I get up and create
Magic
Drawing things
Boring things
Amazing things
Playing music from my heart
Singing from my soul
And making things around me beautiful