So yeah,
Maybe she does like calling guys daddy
But not for the reason you may think
Maybe it’s because she’s looking for fatherly love
Because she could never quite find it in the places she was supposed to
So instead she was left to wander
Through the constant murmurs of
“You must have daddy issues”
“Your dad left? You must have a daddy fetish”
“I’ll be your daddy”
Because people would rather fetishize an emotional trauma than
Acknowledge the pain
Maybe all she knows is unkempt promises
Because the only time her “daddy” came close to actually being one
Was whenever he kissed her on the forehead goodbye
Promising to play with her later
Look at her drawing later
Read her a bedtime story another night
And walked out the door
Maybe all she knows is love through screaming
I love you
I hate you
I love you
I hate you
Maybe all she knows is purple, blue, green, red and yellow are the colors of tender love and care
Why else would they show up on whoever her “daddy” touched
Psychologists say that it’s not uncommon to marry someone that is similar to one of your parents
But what happens when all she’s known from her “daddy” is neglect
Because her dad would rather choose being with a new family than the one that taught him how NOT to be a dad
Because her “daddy” would rather say “talk to your mom about this”
Than listen to his own flesh and blood’s worries himself
Because her “daddy” would rather come in and out of her life when it’s convenient for him
So now
She’s left
To sit alone at the end of the day to think that
Maybe if she had just been a “good girl”
And behaved,
If she had just listened to her “daddy”
Maybe she wouldn’t have to look for one
In other men

“Five minutes,” I say
As I lay on the ground
My hair sprawled around me.
I disappear
You find me
We speed walk to your room
As you hold my hand
Our kisses are fervent.
We don’t leave your room till tomorrow afternoon.

You are nothing to me at first
But you treat me nicely.
I give you something
I can never take back
But it’s okay
Because it’s nice
And you are gentle.
Even when you are rough
Somehow your touches are still caresses.

God, do you look like a player
Maybe it’s a warning, but either way
You aren’t my type at all
And I make it known
But somehow you reel me in.
We get along quick
I’m weird, but you are most definitely weirder
And I love that part of you,
(At least I will
I just don’t know it yet).

I am fragile and weak.
You don’t leave me breathless.
It is not love at first sight.
But I do notice your dimples,
One on either side of your face
Dimples I’d come to know
Dimples that would be my biggest mistake.

Leaving had always been an easy concept for me to grasp
Especially when my dad left
And I was left with nothing but sad, withered letters
And the instillment of trust issues was ****** upon me.
It was even easier when I found out my grandpa left my grandma
The one healthy relationship I had held onto falling apart before my eyes
And yes, although they are still together
Every time I ask about my grandpa to my grandma
I can see in her eyes that she wished things went differently,
That maybe if he had asked to marry her
Then maybe she wouldn't be second guessing if he loved her everyday.
Maybe I truly understood the art of leaving when
My stepfather kept leaving at regular hours during the day
And coming home and odd hours of the night
And my mom was left to cry in our bathroom
While I called my brother on the phone begging him to make me understand what was happening,
Until all my brother could say was, "Kris..."
And I knew, just knew, this was him breaking my mother's heart
For the second time in her life.
With you, I began to understand that leaving happens in two parts
Emotionally and physically.
I felt you leave emotionally
So I was the one that left physically.
And now that I know you'll never be in my life again
And I left my heart with you
The art of leaving has become a foreign concept to me.
How does someone just leave?
How do I leave when so much of me is left in you?

I wish I could say that I’m the type of girl that would reject you if you came back to me,
Apologizing,
Asking me to take you back.
But I know for a fact
That I would take you back gladly.
I would let everything go back to the way it was before you broke my heart
And forget that you ever even shattered my being into pieces.
I would kiss you with fervent want.
I would graze my nails across your back
After we’ve made love
And all that’s covering me are blankets
As you look back at me,
Your eyes wandering all over me
As if I don’t truly exist.
I would go back to letting you use my laptop for your homework.
I would go back to loving you, sweetheart.
But,
I can say though,
That yes, I would be the type of girl to take you back,
But if you expect me to take you back in a heartbeat,
Well, sweetheart, I’m sorry then.

My ways of affection have never been conventional.
Even when I was little,
I used to bite my brother to show him that I loved him.
I will never be that type of girl,
the one that says, ‘You’re hair looks good today’
But rather
I will be the girl that
lightly touches your hair and smiles.
I will rarely say, ‘You look good today’
But I will tug the collar of your shirt because it looks good on you.
Us holding hands will be rare,
But I will lightly graze my nails on your palms like spreading fire.
We will never kiss in public,
I’ll nuzzle my head into your chest though,
I may even nuzzle my nose against your hair and hug you.
I won’t be the one to say ‘I love you’ first,
And even if you say it first,
It’ll take me a very, very long time to say it back
Days,
Weeks,
Or
Months even.
And when I do say ‘I love you’ for the first time,
It won’t be what you expect
It’ll be a ‘You’re such a ******’
Or a ‘I really like being around you’.
I hope you take the time to learn these things,
I hope you give me a chance despite them.”

I realised how dangerous love could be
when everyone refused to say that I loved you
But there was a time
where even I refused to say that
I loved you
because I knew what it meant
but, oh god, how obvious it was
anyone could see it on my face
I really did love you.
There was only one time one person said.
‘You love him don’t you?’
Oh god, yes I ******* did
But I knew the heaviness to love
and it was so terrifying that
I couldn’t even say, 'yes’
So, instead I nodded
And realised
He must have known all along
Because I had never been a person
that was good with words
but I was always good at
stares
and
smiles
and
touches.
He had to have known I loved him
because one stare from me
and he knew that I wanted him.
I wonder what my touches told?

My heart has been broken by you so many times that,
I no longer have a heart to break

I miss your ******* tongue in my mouth
and your hands racing across my skin
I miss your stupid voice and I miss your stupid arms
and I ******* miss you telling me how
perfect I was and beautiful I am
I ******* hate how I can’t hate you
But ****, I thought your not feeling towards me was painful
but **** how wrong I was because
not being able to kiss you or run my fingers across your cheeks is more painful than I could have ever imagined
And i don’t give a **** anymore
I’d hurt myself to be with you
Because not having you in any aspect is gruesome
And my lips can no longer keep their silence
Because ever time I see you now
I feel them about to say
‘Just kiss me now’
Because they can only remember
how your lips feel pressed
against mine with want
But it hurt so more more when all I can is discomfort in your eyes
when you’re around me

Today,
I spoke the works, ‘She has a beautiful soul.’
And when I did,
My friends could not grasp
The underlying action beneath them.
That, not only was I viewing her,
But I was seeing her,
And the whole definition of her being.
Just like I had done with so many before her.

I’m glad you exist
Even if it’s not suppose to be with me

When you open your eyes

And you see his staring back at yours,

Eyes almost nonexistent

Because his cheeks are raised so high

And his smile is so big,

His eyes watering at the sight of you,

You have never seen eyes so compassionate

And

Full of love like his.

And when he opens the door

And you coming running to greet him,

You can feel his essence mixing with yours

When you hug

And when he takes you out to eat

And you’re stuffing your face

Whilst he is softly smiling at you

Chin in palm,

You can’t help but smile back

Mouth full of food, mid chew

And when he picks you up

And swings you around

His day getting better just at the sight of you

You are reassured that you’re his light in the dark

And when he walks to the doorway,

Setting his bags down

Lips in Heaven,

But his eyes in Hell

You can’t help but feel…

Upset?

Sad?

Depressed?

Naïve?

And when he says, “I’ll see you soon.”

And turns to leave, eyes looking back at you

You begin to feel holes in your soul

But they are replaced by the bad pieces of him

And when he doesn’t come back

And when he doesn’t see you again like he said

And when he doesn’t comfort you while you’re crying

Because,

He

Is

Not

There.

This isn’t a story about a boy.

This is a story about a man.

This is the story of how my father broke my heart

Before any other boy had the chance

And how it was never repaired

I am not perfect
I am selfish
And rude
And heartless
And cold
And loving someone seems like a tiresome concept to me
But oh,
How I hope you find the courage to love me
Despite those things

You love me because

       I have yet to be {corrupted}

              And that reminds you

                     Of how you use to be

I love you because

       You have been {corrupted}

              And that reminds me

                     Of how I want to be