Here I am again
Locking myself in my bathroom
Trying to be alone when I’m not
New place
New boy
New life

Familiar pain

Pain I still don’t understand
I thought I was making progress
Becoming a better me

But now I’m left feeling unsure
And riddled with thoughts of the
Last time I found refuge in my bathroom
So much has changed since then

But have I even changed

We keep an abundance of boxes in the back
For the day we decide to leave the life we’ve made
Stumbling towards beginnings
That slitter away from my fingers
Before familiarity is gained
And our hearts ache from the loss
I once asked my mother
Why it was that we chased our on tails
Why it was that we run from customary things
And right in to unfamiliar once
Why we couldn’t stay and belong
While knowing it was the right place for our hearts to settle.
I once asked my mother
Why she never liked my friends
And had me cut ties as soon as possible
I asked her why she never favored any of them
Why she let me be alone with my thoughts
Until the only friends I could make
Where the squared once in my library
I once asked my mother
If what she told me about love was real
‘That it was a figment of an aching mind
Trying to make something more of its existence’
I asked her if I could love the way she loved him
Before he decided we weren’t worth his love anymore
Before his eyes fell on another
Perhaps more beautiful
Conceivably younger and better
Before we started this ludicrous run from our own emotions
Chased by a past that left its mark with ink that stung
I asked her questions that made my chest feel smaller
And its contents bloated
By hope and better things
Inflated to a point of pain and at the same time pleasure
I asked her to give me reasons
For our choices
Why we never chose to be happy
Even after we found happiness
Why we let the elephant grow in our own living room
Until it was chocking the very life out of us
And all she could say was
“Mother knows best.”

there is so much i haven’t done
i keep wondering
if i’m ever going to live my dreams
which i locked away from all the screams
of the people who don’t believe in me
none of us asked to be born here
but we’re living to survive
to live the moment
to cherish and love
to dream but to beware
of any becoming nightmare
i’m ready for the knives to cut me deep
i’ve already healed
from the scars that made me weak
but made me got up on my feet
remembering all the moments
i promised myself to not cry and weep
when the enemy comes ready to beat
i’ve been defeated but no more deceiving  
no more hesitation, i’ll turn the wheel
i’m far from weak
i’m the strongest i’ve ever been
you can’t hurt me
if my scars are already seen
you thought you could manipulate me
but here i am, messing with your brain
telling you nothing but the same words
you’ve been telling me for years
i watch you fall into the lake
****** rain dripping down the lane
you’re drowning and you can’t speak
is there something you want to say?
i’ve heard it all, no more place for me stay

I don't think you know
Know how much I love
Love you so so much
Much more than I should
Should let my self love you
You are so captivating
Captivating my heart
Heart that beats for you
You alone now and always
Always I will love you
You can need know how much
Much more than words can say
Say... Do you love me too?

My head is an abandoned house
With graffiti on the walls
The red door is closed
And all the window panes are broken

You just wanted to write love on my arms
And circle me in flowers
I just didn't know how to let you in
So I mutter into the cold air
"Bitter are the leaves, oh the dying leaves, of an unwatered tree."

I once told a man
"I could never make things okay in life, but they're going to be okay now"
Then I cut skin from skin
And I waited to die

Waiting to die is a funny thing
Its like the waiting room at the doctors office
Time slows down
And you're left inside your own head
Mind begins to wander
And no matter what you think see or feel you're brought back to it
Why you are in this spot right here right now
Which for me was bleeding out in blue star wars bed sheets
Not quite a waiting room

They say when you want to die to call someone
So I called him
He was drunk and ******
And he told me to *******
So I did
I ended the call and ended my strain of consciousness
Few more cuts and blacked out

Now I know you're wondering
And no I didn't die
Turns out I'm terrible at dying
Who knew right

But it's been a year and a half since that night
And it's finally okay