for someone who was never
meant for this world,
I must confess
I'm suddenly having a
hard time leaving it.

of course they say
every atom in our bodies
was once part of a star.

maybe I'm not leaving.
maybe I'm going home.

i.

Debased, feeling unworthy, I was a shackled, debackled
Seeking, looking, yearning, in all the wrong place's;
Seeing a billion face's, none I couldst connecteth to
I sought a spirit, an unknown so true, one to maketh me alive.

ii.

Betwixt the contour of blood and gore, that this place hath spilt
Lava poured downward, no smelling perfume's, devil endorsed;
I bit mine lip's from the pinch of the blaze, demon's eye's glazed
None water, none rain, as tis this dungeon was a devlish porch.

iii.

In shock, mine pupil's rolled to the back of mine bone
I felteth left behind, none amour', none more safety abode;
BLASTTTTTTTTTTT, cameth a flicker, a Cosmos shaking
The earth quaking, beneath mine toe's, mine being felt so whole.

iv.

I cleped out this stardust cloaked Reyna's name, O' Reyna,
Whence thou cometh, thee is it, I've known from past living's;
I grabbed tightly, to her Filipino strand garb, as I felt the falling rain stain's cometh down her cheek's, Hi Brandon, I'm Mrs nagley.

v.

Kilig hadst grabbed mine inside's, as for with her I took a ride
We spaceshipped to the milky way, I met archangel's of divine;
Here was none time, just ion's of delighting peace, west and east
I bowed mine cranium, as I kneweth she was mine wife, O' life.

O' angelic saving wife.........

To the people of the world,
you bags of stainless steel,
brooding slabs of flesh,
dented and fresh
I do not mean this
in the negative of my feel,
But I quit

I quit!
I quit!
I quit!
And I don’t feel bad about it

For I’ve already let
the barbwire of the ****
wrap around my neck
and it made me sick,
it made me sick
Until I finally
vomited  

And oh my stupid god
what a relief
to be a socket!
where electricity just does not exist

I plant myself to this wall
as I watch the bodies rack up
with the most beautiful of light
knowing that mine
has rocked down
to pitch-black

Those battles I had left to fight
are wars I'm no longer interested in

Because to spend another second
digging through this military kit

of firearms I point behind your back
of gas attacks I spit to make you gag
of hot bombs I drop to cop a laugh
is the longest death of my life

I find my health stepping down to this fight
Claim all the lives you want
but today I claim mine

*bang

i have watched my friend tripping over honey traps,
leaving little pieces of himself stuck to every sticky step
as he continues forth into cobweb arms
where a venomous spider awaits, chelicerae poised to snap and bite.

my friend is smart and good and if there are gods in the sky
i will pray for the first time in years
that they lead him AWAY from that seductive silk
and into safer satin.

if there's on thing i know, it is this: he does not deserve
to fall victim to YOU and your lies, you and your wicked smile.
you've woven so many whoppers, your web is bigger than the internet
that you use to draw him in.
stop drawing him in.
he is the artist; not you.

i wish i could say that my friend is like a wasp, that he could
sting and escape and fly away to fairer flowers
instead of you: wilting rose, thorny and brittle and grown from ****.
but my friend is instead more akin to a bee,

helpful and soft, endangered; he would suffer more harm
if i could tell him why he needs to sting you
and i will not be known as the man who aided the death
of such a beautiful being
with such a bright and buzzing brain.

My echo wont reply for me.
My reflection will not look at me.
My shadow does not walk with me.
My footsteps will not follow me.

I lost myself to someone else.

And they never gave me back.

Last night I had a nightmare.
I was back in that home.
I was afraid to leave.
All I wanted to do was signal my kids to go to the car...
But they were so small.
I swore they could feel my fear.
The danger in the home, but I must have been wrong.
Since they are ok, it's best they were spared the trauma.
These nightmares are mine.
Nobody knows the extent of damage I've been inflicted.
No one knows how many time's my body had been taken from me as I weeped.
No one knows how many time's I've been cornered, and silenced.
No one knows how many times I tried to escape.
Nobody knows, not even me.
Now it's just a nightmare that wakes me with my heart beating, my body sweating, and tears falling.
Now I turn the tv on and try to change my thoughts.
I'm no longer his victim, or the man before him.
I don't have to worry about my body being taken or abused by angry hands.
I don't fear for my life, or the life of my children.
But now, I'm harder to know.
I'm harder to love.
Now I am strong...
And I'm left with thoughts and reactions of a woman who has survived.
The ptsd wasn't only from him.
But this nightmare was a gift he left behind.
I'm so fortunate to not just be living a better life with a better man, but because sometimes I get to be completely free...
Sometimes I get to forget my whole past.
I can't believe how strong the abuse holds on to me.
My heart pounds still.
Tears fall as I write.
And I know I don't need to be, because he's in my past...
But I'm afraid as if I have only been free a day.
These nightmares are as sneaky and powerful as he used to be.
But they are only nightmares.
And he holds no power over me...