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Jo Kent Apr 2015
I read a vogue magazine once

I wanted to be more mature
I wanted to be a child again

I was bored of how I looked

I was called 'fat' once

I needed more control over myself
I needed someone to look after me

I wanted to deny myself a basic human need

I was in so much pain that I needed more

I lost weight and I couldn't stop
I found something I was good at

I ran out of ways to destroy myself
All of these reasons and none of these reasons. I think maybe it had been simmering beneath my skin for years before I stopped eating.
Apr 2015 · 495
Coughing Up Dust
Jo Kent Apr 2015
I'm coughing up dust on the kitchen floor. Of all the ways I could **** myself in this room, I chose to think of you.
I compare myself to nothingness but that's an insult to the universe. My internal organs are shutting down one by one, as if even my biology has given up now.
I emptied myself, hoping I could empty you from my blood, stop you from stabbing me in the heart with every cardiac cycle.
But still you remain, the perpetual smell of loneliness that haunts me, I've bled away everything but you.
I tried to forget you, I really did. I dyed my hair purple and bought some new clothes. I spoke to friends I hadn't seen in years and I kissed a boy who used to love me.
I ran away and took too much medication. I stopped eating and stopped sleeping and drove myself to insanity in an attempt to stop seeing you everywhere. But you stained my mind and no amount of self destruction can remove you.
I'm coughing up dust, hoping to cough up my life, praying to cough up you.
For Natalie, the only person I will ever love.
Oct 2014 · 415
I'm knocking on your door
Jo Kent Oct 2014
I would sleep and eternity if that meant I could live forever with you
It burns a vast hole in my chest waking in solitude
I've choked on the words I've never said
And drowned in the thoughts I've never shared

Your name tastes sweet in my mouth
But when I am alone words taste as dust
You breathed life into my lungs and made me new
I broke my own heart when I fell for you

When I close my eyes you're all I can see
I'm knocking on your door and I'll come in if you let me
For Natalie, the first and only person I have ever been in love with.
Sep 2014 · 1.0k
It Will End Badly
Jo Kent Sep 2014
It will end badly
I know it will
I know it will
I know it will
*I know it will.
It will end badly, I know it will.
Sep 2014 · 955
Mask
Jo Kent Sep 2014
Hide behind your mask
                      Never let them in
    Don't let them see past your smiles
                      To the darkness that lies within
                        Don't let them find your heart
                                        Keep up your façade
                                  Disguise yourself    
                             Hide yourself
   Stay forever locked away
                              *Don't let them know about us.
Sep 2014 · 619
10 Things That Scare Me
Jo Kent Sep 2014
You
           2. Monsters under the bed
      3. Being alone in the dark
           4. Spiders

5. I have to be medicated to appear even
                                                     remotely ordinary
          6. Being followed
     7. Tiny holes in leaves
          8. Feeling calories go down my throat

9. Strong men and greasy boys
         10. *You
The things that keep me up at night.
Sep 2014 · 343
A Letter To A.
Jo Kent Sep 2014
We are alike, you and I
My dear
We never had much hope, did we?
The others
Never quite understood
What it was we were
What we had, in fact, become
But through all that sadness
All that emptiness and darkness
Nobody could see what you saw
And you saw such horror
For us, death was a dream
An unbroken promise
A secret only we could know
All the bloodshed and battles
Both won and lost
They didn’t matter anymore
We had found the key that fit the lock
One twist and we were free
An open door
To reveal what we were all waiting for
O but my dear
You never knew
And so you never will
You passed through that door
Before I could stop you
Before anyone could
And for so long I have craved to follow
To pass through that door
Like you had done before I could
A letter to a friend who took her life last year.
Sep 2014 · 1.7k
Sorrow's Haiku
Jo Kent Sep 2014
I was once human
Now I'm just lonely and sad
Leave me here to rot
I'm losing myself.
Sep 2014 · 340
I Know How You Feel
Jo Kent Sep 2014
There is a decision to be made.
The very core of your fragile existence looks to this question that has haunted you for years and now scratched its way through your membranes, towards your muffled heart and taken over.
The very thought is indigestible to the human stomach, a permanent thud against the lining, sickening, even to yourself.

Suicide.

It seems simple enough; it is almost fitting to be killed by the hand that loathes you most. But it is your decision and it needs to be made.
There is a red translucent light, paralysed by amniotic fluid, is this the destiny of that lonely child? When will my voice undulate through your bones and whisper those three words you need to hear? You may have blocked the waves with your castle wall but I will keep fighting to free you from the tower you locked yourself in, until I am devoid.

Please stay with me.
A note that was never sent, to an individual who is now sleeping under 6 feet of mud.
Sep 2014 · 4.7k
Dissociation I
Jo Kent Sep 2014
It feels like my heart is absent and all that is left is this heavy emptiness
It hurts more than any pain that could be inflicted on my external self
Like I'm trapped, enclosed, and the world outside is racing past
But I can't touch it, there's nothing there.
They say time heals all wounds but it does nothing to stop this aching darkness
inside me.
A part of the Dissociation series
Jo Kent Sep 2014
You deceived me from the start
Weaving your web of lies
You hurt me, beat me
Then told me you loved me
I foolishly sought comfort from someone who didn't care
You manipulated me
Used me like a toy
I can't pretend anymore and I can't keep playing this game
Now I am broken
I can never be fixed
*At least we have something in common
An ongoing series to the boy that broke my heart.

— The End —