The world's most common lie
The lie that everyone believes
The lie that escapes my lips every day.

"I'm fine."

But I'm not fine.
I'm not fine, and that's alright.

Because I'm done holding it in.
Right now, I wanna be not okay.
Just let me be not okay.

"I'm (not) fine."

I'm not fine,
And that's alright,

Just let me be not okay.

The devil asked me how I knew my way around the halls of hell. I told him I didn't need a map for the darkness I know so well.

I'm breaking.
No, not breaking.
I'm broken.

I'm not going.
I'm already gone.

But do you notice?
No, not notice.
Do you care?

And when I say I'm ok,
I'm actually (br)ok(en).

I'm fine.
I'm fine
I'm fin
I'm fi
I'm f
I'm
I'
I
I'
I'm
I'm a
I'm al
I'm alo
I'm alon
I'm alone
I'm alone.

It's 3:21 am.
I've shed more tears than I thought to be humanly possible.
My thoughts are racing as I try to sleep.
"Just end it. You don't deserve to be here," I tell myself.

It's 3:46 am.
My pillow's a tissue for my tears
And as I just try to close my eyes, I think of you.

You. My sister. I miss you more than the world.
I know I've said some things.
I know I've upset you.
I know I don't deserve you.

I know so much,
Yet I can't act on any of it.

It's 4:39 am.
I look around for a distraction from my own mind, all I can see is
You.



I miss you.
And I love you.

When I write these words
I'm not trying to be seen
As something I am not.
I'm not trying to sound like a deep, delicate, shattered soul.

I hope you know when I write these words,
My emotions take control
And leave me all alone
In the darkness.

When I write my poems,
It's not about some summer memories that I miss.
It's about my pain, my fear, my anxiety
Of ever trusting again.

When I write my poems,
tears flow freely down my cheeks
as I type without knowing,
But I feel every bit of the pain
that seeps through my fingers onto the screen and
into my words

People ask me what's wrong
And when I respond
With, "I won't say
because I want you to be okay,"

I'm given this sad, synthetically sympathetic smile.

I don't want you to try to understand what it's like for me.
I don't need your synthetic sympathy.

People say, "It's okay to be not okay,"
And its just more of your synthetic sympathy for me.

How long will it take for you to know
I will do whatever it takes to go back.
Back to being me without any synthetic sympathy.

I am lost inside my head
Every time I lay in my bed
Waiting for sleep to wash over me
Sleep, that blissful nothing.

I am lost inside my heart
My emotions are tearing me apart
But that pain is nothing
Compared to how I constantly feel

I am lost within this world
This world of pain and insincerity
I wish someone would carry me
Back home to where I used to be free

Free from having to search my heart
In order to play my part

In the midst of this storm
I have to pretend to be someone
Who isn't me.

All she wants is to fade away into the shadows
But the pain follows wherever she goes.
She wants to disappear,
To just not be here.

And as she sits on her bed looking out at the full moon,
She wonders, while she hears the peaceful calling of the loons,
How does the moon just fade away?
Every night, it's the same way.

She wants to fade away into the shadows
But the pain follows wherever she goes.
She wants to disappear,
To just not be here.

She wants to be like the moon
Disappearing each day,
Coming back each night.

She's too scared of leaving,
But staying is her worst nightmare come to life
She wants to be here for her mum and her dad,
She wants to be here for her sisters and her brothers.
But she wants to leave it all behind.

She wishes she could get into normal fights with her family
Little squabbles about whose jumper it is,
Or who did what chore.
Not over her not eating,
Or her hating herself.
She just wants life to get back to normal.