the internal ***** located in the left breast
slows
i want it to stop
i want the yelling in the next room to stop,
i want the slamming doors to shut up
i want to leave the cage of blames
i want to feel free
home feels different from the expectations built
the christmas lights in june are my only comfort
it always comes back to the future
every argument, every frustration, everything
we all worry about the future,
not enough time is spent in the now
because we all fear the snap of the void
existence becoming nothing
ash and dust
n o t h i n g.
we worry about the inevitable
we run from the angel of life and death
our legacies are the only things left of us
but we don’t even have that
what is a legacy if there were no life?
what is a legacy when one can’t enjoy it?
those with legacies are six feet underground
what is the use of a legacy
when the sun collides with the earth
when the sky falls, when the human race falls
when we fall
there will be no god, no higher power to rescue us
there will be no mercy for humanity
so what is the use of a legacy
when one’s name
stops staining lips
and when the end nears
i will be terrified
i will tremble and sob
i will cling on pathetically
because the future will come back to me
because the unknown haunts me
and hovers in the back of brain
so perhaps while i can
i will distract myself with meaningless plans
with collisions and sparks and love
because the future is just a breath away

Destiny

i think I’m in love with you
your freckles placed in all the perfect places
i have never laid eyes on anyone as beautiful as you
your belly, your kisses,
i want to make you my mrs.
everything about you radiates like sunlight,
bright, the light of my life

maybe i knew i was in love with you
when we snuck into the city pool
the different evening hues of blues reflected
onto the most beautiful face God ever created
tomboy, you exude confidence
you’re my destiny
my excellence, my queen my princess
your eyes, sea specked emerald
your hair, damp and curly
you.
your culture, you represent
your skin, you take pride in
you.
your tattoos, like braille under my fingertips
goddess of the moon
i love you, i belong to you

maybe i knew i loved you
when we baked apple pies to have a picnic,
(i still have your floral blouse,)
and you rowed us out to the rivers
between the mountains behind your house
when we were boating, floating, breath holding,
you need love to feel alive
and i need you to love being alive
you are so free, a butterfly, the wind, my high

maybe i knew when we stayed up watching Pokemon
on an ancient glowing box, the ones that have VHS slots
not quite a television
the ones that say play in blocky letters
where we would sit and watch in nothing but our oversized sweaters
your energy,
your hands between my thighs
the days we would eat fries, through the window,
watching the sky pass by
there are many things about you,
you are unapologetic, i admire that
you have me under your spell, witchcraft

maybe i knew when we clung to the end of the train
instead of paying two fifty for a ticket,
the wind whipping, slapping the hair into our faces, onto our lips
everyday we were together was an eclipse
our hearts practically mended into one
you were the most splendid, the most fun

maybe then i knew
ripped denim jeans, black belt
you’re my Calvin model
with a brush of your fingertips,
you could make me melt
the comic books spread messily but aesthetically
across the white bedsheets we lay on, unmovingly
in each others arms for days,
we had no price to pay
you are the most fabulous ***** in the room, i agree
no other could have what you have, you are someone i need

maybe i knew i loved you when the sun set,
as we watched on the roof tops of the endless new york skylines
you are a gorgeous woman, i agree
our chemistry,
the way you walk
your personality, i need to pause just thinking about you
your voice, your accent,
our matching checkered vans, our matching tattoos
i love you.

of course i see you in every face,
in any and every place
you’re the first person i see in crowds
your face even appears above in the white clouds
you are permanently carved into the shadows behind my eyelids
i am only aware of what it feels like to be a desperate kid
only aware of being naive and being infatuated, agitated, deflated
so God, this is how it is to be?
forcing me to love a boy, who has no concern for me?
you taunt me day and night
you haunt me in sun rise and moon light
you appear every time i blink,
and i tell my self not to sink, not to think
to think of you at least once a day
as if my brain needs a fix of you, child’s play
you refuse to even breathe in my direction,
yet i see you everywhere in glossy reflections
always following me through the journeys i make
you make me heart ache,
you make my heart break,
theres too much at stake
i don’t want to be this obsessed with you
with or without you, I’m blue,
a pathetic person who is covered head to toe,
overflowed with the color of cold lips,
of veins, and frozen fingertips
i know our futures are not intertwined
i know you are far too good to me and for me, bear that in mind, i know you'll decline
you will forever live in my head only as the “what if”
but i will continue loving you in ink and hieroglyphs
six years of my wavering loyalty and lips
hoping one day we’d align, an eclipse
but hoping won’t get me far
you were a star i could look at from afar,
a place i could dream of the bizarre
you were the thing that made life worth living for
but i have to stop myself from thinking of you once more,
i need to leave everything in the before,
and finally let myself soar.

he is a boy
a boy i only just met
with crazy colored curls
who melted my heart
with his voice
so soothing
so adorable
i don’t know why i blush seeing you
i don’t know why i love you so
i don’t know how you have me shivering from your fingertips
or how you hold me on your couch
and tell me once again the story of your parents
of how they fell out of love
how you don’t want a future like theirs
but enough about me what about you he asks me
i don’t know what to say
im just magnetized to you
the energy you radiate
and the rowdiness you create
mum calls you a ***
but i could care less
yeah you smoke cigarettes
yeah you were arrested twice
you, oh you
you have me whipped
have me in love
in love with the thought of you and with you
your lips only produce the most poetic of phrases
you’re so talented,
you can smile genuinely when speaking of something so sad
your voice, talk me to sleep babe
whisper with your arms around me
your head resting on mine
yeah he goes on tangents,
but that makes me even more in love
the rhythm of your voice inspires the beating of my heart
****
I’m so into you its unhealthy
help me oh gosh
yeah we made love on your twin sized mattress you had since you were 7
yeah you didn’t go to college
but who gives a ****
he has dark eyebrows
dark hair
dark clothes
dark lungs
dark eyes
i stare into
they contain all the warmth i will need
they comfort me
yeah we imitated your parents
yeah the wine glasses were shattered from your pure rage
yeah my arms are covered in bruises
but my collar bones are covered in hickies
i don't think theres much of a difference in coloration
i guess your parents were on the right track when they became a statistic
i guess the butterflies in my stomach migrated
i guess we’re over
i guess falling out of love was inevitable

gatekeeper

i am the gatekeeper of my body
of the treasure between my legs
of the body that is wrapped in silks and satin
diamonds, gold, sterling
hidden in the folds of my priceless curves
i am the gatekeeper of my temple
men and women, come one and all
to see me placed on an alter
i am no longer a nobody
i am a goddess and i hold power in my posture
i hold confidence in my words
and a crown on the crown of my head
and i will no longer bite my tongue at the expense of another
i am the gatekeeper of the heaven placed between my thighs
you will never touch me without my permission
you will not look at me without my permission
i am sick of men thinking they deserve something from me
i am tired of people thinking they own me,
that they get a slice of this pound cake
you think you are entitled to me
you are wrong
if you think you can tell me what to do, what to wear
you are mistaken
i am the gatekeeper of my precious mind
i hold infinite answers on the tip of my tongue
i hold a heart in my left breast
and i hold myself with confidence
you will not let you take away the rights i am endowed
you will not tell me what to do with my body
i am sick, tired, disgusted of someone holding me on a chain
so i will bite the hand that feeds me
because it feeds me nothing but lies and oppression
i am free, and i will stay that way
try me, try to buy me,
you will never be able to afford me,
i am worth more than a ferrari
i am fearless
i am strong
i am the gatekeeper.