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Jayde Jun 14
Dear Mom,
I am your child
Your flesh and blood
The one you birthed and carried
I carry your DNA and I part of you
I am not an object
I am not your punching bag
Dear Mom,
I am not a problem
I am doing the best I can
I work hard and do my best
I do what you have taught me to do
I keep my head down and do the work
I stay out of the way and don't become a problem
I speak when spoken to
I remain silent and let my actions speak
Dear Mom,
You raised me to not act without thinking
Every decision i make is not made blindly
Mother I am not stupid or slow
Mother I do try and I do my best
If it is not done in front of you please don't assume it isn't being done at all
Dear Mom,
I know life is hard
I know things are changing
I know I'm leaving the nest
But that doesn't mean make things harder
That doesn't mean fight me the last few months we have together
Dear Mom,
I am not an object
I am not your punching bag
Your verbal abuse affects me more than it would affect anyone else
Take your verbal blows and put them in a journal
Take your frustration and vent to a friend
Love,
Your daughter who is pleading for you to stop
Jayde Feb 15
I'm going through life just barely existing
I know I'm getting bad again
I haven't done anything to change it
Haven't done anything to stop it
I stopped my medicine
I stopped my sessions
I stopped caring
Maybe it's time to just shrivel up
Maybe it's time to let the darkness come
Maybe it's time to give up
Maybe it's time to just be tired
You have to stop fighting at some point, right
Jayde Jan 11
When you see me you would think i had the weight of the world on my shoulders
I look burdened
Weighed down
Each step taken is a struggle
Every movement heavy
Heavy
That's how my body feels
It feels like weights are on my shoulders
It feels like sandbags are tied to my waist
It feels like my shoes are weighed down by bricks
Heavy
My body is so heavy
All my effort
All my energy
Goes into putting one foot in front of another
The corner of my lips feels like it has barbells at the end
It's a chore to smile
Cheeks are sore from the strain
Every muscle is protesting
Why must i drag my weighed down body out into the world
Each finger has a weight
Every motion is weighed down
If you looked at me with xray goggles you'd see all the weight i carry
Each weight has a label
Each weight represents a pain
Each weight has something from the past, present, or future
When people say baggage they think of me
All this baggage
All these burdens
All this weight
Heavy
I'm so heavy
How does one lighten the load
My back is crippled
My knees are buckling
My ankles are shaking
My head is a bowling ball
But i smile
I smile and try to make it through another day
I count the hours minutes seconds until I'm back in bed
Back in bed hidden from the world
Back in bed where my battered and bruised body can rest
Back in bed stripped down and exhausted
Because every day is a chore
All my energy is used getting out of bed
All my focus is used to make myself work
All my effort is used to put one foot in front of another
All my sanity is used trying to not let others see
Its almost impossible having a conversation
How does one speak when they can barely function
How can one speak when using all their strength just to stand
How can one speak when all they want to do is scream
Every day is the same thing
An endless cycle
It will never end
Get up
Smile
Stumble
Survive
Jayde Jan 9
Body breaking down
Spirit growing dim
No will to fight
No point to live
People say push
People say strive
Easy to say when you're on the other side
People say fight
People say try
People say **** it up
Hey why don't you give it a try
Spend a day in my shoes
24 hours if you dare
If you're so sure it's easy here take your chance
Step in for me on a bad day
See how long you last
I bet you an hour before you tap
Step in for me when my body screams in pain
Experience all the aches and pains
Last just ten minutes before you complain
Walk a mile or two
Take a drive
Climb the stairs
See how long you last before you grimace and want it to end
Spend just one night in my place
Just a night
See what it's like when my insomina flares
I bet you two hours before you cave and take the meds
It's easy to say words when you aren't the one dying
It's easy to brush aside when you aren't the one crying
Words are just words
Spend a day in my shoes and see which words you choose
Jayde Jan 7
Ever had depression so bad you forget who you are
No identity
No self assurance
Who am i
I never knew who i was
Always played the chameleon from the time i was 10
Ever had anxiety so bad you're petrified with fear
Somone left my sight and i thought they'd die
Someone would'nt respond and i thought i was hated
I leave my house the worse will happen
Always questioning everying
Always left wondering
Always asking what if
Always looking over my shoulder
Always expecting a blow that might not even come
Always looking for escape routes
Always moving
Always changing
Always tired
Someone tell me a story
So I can forget
Someone tell me a story
So i can be free
Someone tell me a story
So i can escape
Someone tell me a story
So i can get away
Someone tell me a story
So i can get a happy ending
Someone tell me a story
Someone tell me a story
Someone tell me a story
Someone please set me free
Jayde Jan 3
Voices
Voices that no one can hear
Voices that only call for me
Voices that I hear from the moment i open my eyes until i close them
These voices are here from the time i wake up in the morning until i go to sleep that night
Dreams are where i escape but they arent always a safe place
I can have dreams where the vocies are at their loudest
They are undisturbed
They arent disrupted
They arent put on the back burner
Theyre loud and clear
Voices are hard to block out in a dream
In these dreams i see nothing but darkness
I cant see ahead of me to the side of me or behind me
But boy can i hear
I can hear these voices loud and clear
Those are the times i wake feeling like i never slept at all
Bone tired
Body heavy
No motivation
Asking why God why am I awake
I have to dust off one of the old masks and wear it for the day
I have no walls up no barriers
The voices are free to play
Im drowning
Drowning in a sea of voices
The sirens are singing to me telling me to jump and i did
Im falling down the rabbit hole like my name is Alice
Tumbling down down down
To the part of my soul i leave untouched
To the part of my soul where my demons play
This is the demons homes and they want me to stay
They ask arent i tired
They say take a break
They say give in give up
They say we're never going away
They tell me to stay
They tell me to play
They tell me to give it all away
But i have to focus on the surface
I have to remember what's above the surface
I have to be like Ariel and always go to the surface
I have to find my way back bc i have people that love me
Plans left untouched
Dreams i have yet to achieve
It's time to wake up
Jayde Jan 1
Trying to get a grip on my mental illness is like trying to build a house of cards
The process is going fine
But then you add a card slightly off
Or you put it down forcefully
Or you breathe a little too hard
Or the earth moves slightly
And it all comes tumbling down
So you start over
Maybe you get a little farther than last time
Or maybe you crash sooner
Maybe you'll finally build your house
Maybe you'll never succeed
Maybe you get it big and proud
Maybe you get it small and sad
Or maybe you get it just right
When you get it just right you sit back
You appreciate how it looks
You enjoy the moment
Because you know sooner or later it'll tumble down
Back to square one
Card by card
You try and you try
You fail and you survive

— The End —