It’s coming
The time of year that I just seem to disappear
But it’s not that simple
It’s heavy
It’s suffocating
It’s uncomfortable
It’s persistent
It’s just something I can’t escape

I’m so tired
But I can’t sleep
When I do sleep
My dreams are so cruel
They keep me up

It’s that time of year that I’m reminded
That I always find myself in such a horrible place
But I desperately tell myself to just keep going
Just keep trying
It has to end at some point right?
It has too.

It does until it doesn’t.
I really wish someone could just wake me up
When September ends

I have started planning my death.
I have made my decision and I am starting to feel peace
I’ve never been able to make this decision because I have always been to afraid of messing up, or being in pain.
I have always been afraid of the act of it.
But it’s time.
I just have to do it.

It won’t be today
It won’t be tomorrow
In a few months maybe
I will pick a special day

I think I will fly somewhere beautiful
Find the tallest building
And step off.

I will write one letter to everyone and talk in detail why I have chose to do this and apologize.
Then I will have letters for everyone I love individually.
On my bed I will lay out all my paintings and things I want to give away to specific people.
I will label what needs to be done with all my possessions.
I will save as much money as I can and pay off as much debt as I can.
I will try to leave money for my mom.

I have a lot to do.
This is the first time I’m looking forward to anything in a very long time.

It’s almost time to go.

Everyone always tells me how strong I am
I have been through so much
I’m so wise beyond my years
Like it’s a good thing
The best thing you can be

But I don’t want that
I don’t want to be strong
That just means I’m in pain
I’m always in pain
In every way I can be

I’m so tired I don’t want this anymore
I don’t want to be here

I just want my best friend back
I just want a family
I just want to be healthy

I just really don’t ******* want to be here anymore
But I can’t bring myself to end it.
I just can’t

Nightmares are like a trap
First you enjoy the details
The vividness
They play on your romantic side
But then
They turn into
A twisted reality
It happens slowly but fast all in the same
It’s too real to be real
The trap distorts further and further
Until you don’t know who you are anymore
Then you wake up
But it’s too late
Your left alone
Feeling alone but like there is some other presence over you
Your left
You can’t shake it
Can’t understand it
It just hurts

I’m left to wake with only thoughts
Of that kiss
Thoughts of that man
Thoughts of that night
I night filled with passionate conversation
So full bodied my voice is hoarse
Smile so big and so constant I wake
With sore cheeks
And excitement so pure
My hands still shake and my soul
Still flutters
Finally I feel something
I could cry with how happy I am
To feel love again
Is this love though?
Atleast the start of it?
Or is it just another trick
My brain is playing on me?
No matter
I have no space for that thinking right now
All I can think of is
His adorably round glasses
The curls in his hair
The sweet kind Adventure in his eyes
The shape of his lips
His subtle compliments that he slips in perfectly to make my soul flutter but not embarrass me too much.
The way he laughs at the things I mutter. The gentleman acts he displays.
Most of all that last moment we spent together
The first time I have ever kissed someone outside of a car on the first date that was warmed and sweet longer than it should and ******* hot. The way he held me the way is shoulders shoulders felt. His smell..
I’m ecstatic to explore that more but I don’t feel rushed too
Even if this ends in tragedy
I welcome it
I welcome it a thousand times
Because at-least then I know it is real
And I’m so grateful to be feeling this now

I think it’s funny
How sometimes we are so scared
To say I love you
But we are just as scared
To say I don’t love you anymore

I think I would rather feel the fear
Of my love being unrequited
Because if I was afraid
That would mean I would be so in love
That I could barely take it

But I feel like I am always stuck
With
I don’t love you anymore
Nothingness
Passionless
Left doing things I never thought I could do
I used to be scared to be alone
I used to think that I needed that support
But I don’t think I do anymore
The only time it hurts to be alone
Is when I wake from my nightmares
But they usually pass

I feel like I should stay away from everyone
I don’t know what I want
Even when I think I do I don’t
Even when I know I have no idea how to get it
No use in hurting others
But I still do

I crave flirtation and romance
I wish I could trick my brain
To be content with what I have
When everything is perfect and is everything I have been searching for
My heart falls out of love

Why do I believe that I will find the one
Why do I believe in true love
When I break every attempt at it

I just want to be in love and stay that way

I want to fall in love
I want to look at someone for the first time
And feel it all
I want to feel everything in your eyes so intensively that I can barely lock eyes with for more than a few seconds
I want to feel flutters and chills down my spine every time you say my name
I want to laugh so loud without a care in the world
I want to be scared to loose you
I want to love you so hard that I can’t help but cry every time I think of you
I want to a love that is worth risking everything for
I want a love where there isn’t a single doubt in my mind how I feel about you.
I just want to feel something so strongly that it could fill me with joy or snap my heart In half and shatter my whole world.
I want a love so heavy that I loose myself just to find myself all over again.
But I’m starting to feel like that’s not real.
Because once again a whole year Later...
I feel numb I feel nothing
Just an occasional flicker of companionship and comfort.
I feel like I am just repeating the same things I have been trying to escape from
But I don’t know how to change.
I don’t know what to do
I just want to be in love...

Why do I try so hard to be alone
In drunken moments like this
When majority of my sadness
Is caused by loneliness

I still remember those days
In between classes around noon
I would go to Wendy’s
Order the same meal I have had dozens of times before
I would drive acrcoss the street and park in furniture fairs parking lot
I would briefly think
Who actually goes in there?
Their parking lot seems more used than the store
Then I would put on a YouTube video to watch lay the phone propped up against the speedometer in the middle of the dashboard of my Scion
I would unwrap my sandwich and look over at the cars of the people beside me doing the same thing.
Alone in our cars we would eat and occasionally share glances at each other
Even though others would laugh when I told them this and say it was sad it brought me comfort
I guess knowing those people were just as alone as I was made me feel better
I often wondered about their lives
What led them to this partially shared moment
Today I am humbled by this memory
I have found myself alone in my car in a parking lot again
Left to think about my life
I still no as little about what I am doing with my life maybe even less as I was then
This used to be my most honest place of confession
My silent cry for help
But in a false sense of perceives newly found strength
I thought I could share it with others
Now I deeply regret
How I have even ruined that for myself
I have never known secrets that I needed to keep, not wanted to keep.
I wonder where those people are now
I wonder if they ever find themselves in a parking lot wondering about me.

She smiles at birds and children as she passes by with content and love in her eyes
I think for a moment
All her pain and worry for the future
Is farther away than those birds can fly
It’s as non existent as it is to a child’s heart
I think for a moment
She is present in a world that I have never traversed
Moments like these
Are instances where beauty has won
I wonder what it takes to win a heart like hers

Here I am again
Locking myself in my bathroom
Trying to be alone when I’m not
New place
New boy
New life

Familiar pain

Pain I still don’t understand
I thought I was making progress
Becoming a better me

But now I’m left feeling unsure
And riddled with thoughts of the
Last time I found refuge in my bathroom
So much has changed since then

But have I even changed

What is it?
what creature takes away my slumber
what creature steals away my ability to sleep
My eyes are heavy
my mind is overworked
my body ready for the night
but when I close my eyes
these creatures laugh
they laugh at the absence of escape
They laugh of their deed
they laugh at me
what kind of creature would do this?

*** hurts when you are not turned on
*** hurts when you are not in love
*** hurts when you are waiting for it to be over
*** hurts when it is easier to say yes than it is to say no
*** hurts when it is just to make him happy
But that is the price of being a woman

I can’t believe I used to be the girl
That would tell everyone it would be okay
I used to be the girl that all I wanted to do
Was make people feel better
I used to motivate people and be there for them when they lost their loved ones
But look at me now
I am none of that now
I never really was I guess
All the **** I said
Maybe it did make people feel better
But now I know it was all *******
I don’t know anything
Look at me now
I’m just the girl in tears
On her bathroom floor
Writing a stupid poem
Trying to hide from the world
Trying to hide from the pain
I am just a stupid girl full of lies

I went shopping today
I thought it would make me feel good
It did in the moment
But
My closet is full
But my life is still empty

Im so alone
And I hate myself
What am I
I’m just a lie
I want everything to just end for a while
I’m just existing
I don’t know what to do anymore

I think we chase after money
Because it’s one of the only things we can control
We own it
It’s ours
We use it when we want to
And spend it on what we want
We get it however we choose
It’s a solid goal
I think we want money because we are so ****** up lonely and sad
We need something to distract us
We feel like we just need to reach our goals
And somehow things will get better
But that’s not true
Nothing is true

Why cant i just say how i feel
why cant i just say how much pain i am in
why cant i just say that every night i get flashbacks and i feel like everything is just being ripped out of me
why cant i just ******* say something
i want so badly for someone know
I want so badly to not be so ******* alone
but i just cant do it
my mind just goes blank
and i just dont know
all feeling just leaves my body
until the next night
when the tears come back
the pain gets worse...
again
and
again
why cant i just say


something

I have never met someone who has had similar experiences
I am sure they are out there
I feel so deeply that they mean something
but then i have my doubts
my dreams stay with me
even after the details fade
the feelings burn holes into my soul
The soul is something so deep
so protected
so untouchable
dreams penetrate directly to my soul
I fear it because I cant even reach my soul
I cant touch it
cant control it
cant protect it
thats why they are so confusing
sometimes I have dreams that appear to play out my most needed fantasies
other times
They toy with my deepest fears and guilts in ways i have never imagined them before
some times i can steer them a different path as the night goes on

other times I am left with an evil menacing weighted fear
these nights i quickly forget what happened
but my soul takes days to recover

what is it?
is it me controlling this?
is it those who have passed trying to reach me?
is it demons toying with my soul before they finally steal it?

is it all three

what is this

Stories have resolutions
Sometimes I just want to live in stories
stories can be controlled
sometimes i dont want to be me
i want things to be different
I cant explain the feeling of being lost in a fictional life
For a moment I almost feel hope
maybe even...
But quickly hope fleets away
because I am reminded that my life is not fictional
im not ready
there is no resolution
in stories others somehow find a bloom among the screaming emptiness
but I cant find it
The more I search, the angrier I get
I am scared to know what comes after anger
sometimes i never want to read another story again
because the pain of coming back to reality is impossible
but i cant help but crave that momentary relief
I dont know how this ends
I have no resolution
im not ready
I wish

...

There was a girl that lived in a small town.
She was lonely back then but it was okay because she didnt think she needed anything more.

One day she realized how really alone she was. For the first time it sunk in. This time she began to feel the pain that lonelyness brings. Then she lost someone that she never thought could disappear and realized that everything has changed and the entire world looks much different now. She was Overcome with searing grief and guilt but in some ways it brought people closer together. Atleast she had others to share her feelings with.

However, not long after everyone would fall away and she was more alone than she had ever been before. Left only with her guilt anger and sadness. But its okay its a small town, she would leave go somewhere new and make plenty of new friends.

But that didnt happen. People play games They like you when it is convienient or when they have no one else. They already have their own friends and they dont need her. There are so many people in her new city but they are all just strangers to her.

She just stays up at night when everyone is asleep, Trying to figure out how to make a connection with someone, how to make them care, and how to make them stay. All she can think of are the ones who left her and all the things she has ever done wrong.

What does it take for someone to care?
What does it take for someone to not brush everything off?
What does it take to notice the signs?
I didn't notice them, But they were so clear.
I live my life every day knowing that you were trying to reach out to me. I didn't take it seriously I said "You shouldn't joke about things like that. You know how people react to stuff like that.
But it wasn't a joke, and why didn't I react like that.
The guilt shattered me. The guilt of that day sits as a painful pressure in my throat, shaking hands, and unwavering fear.

I only confessed this to one person before
they brushed it off told me it wasnt my fault and I shouldnt think about it. Then the conversation ended and They never spoke to me again.

I dont think friendship exists anymore. If it does I dont know it.
people dont care about you anymore. People that you have known for so long that are supposed to be there for you just dont care anymore.

What does it take?

I am so tired of being alone.

How can the only friend who has never abandoned you in your life, Abandon you in death. People and friendships was something I thought I didnt care about, but that was because I always had him. But now he is dead and my Pride and strong will to be myself has faded along the way. Be yourself and be kind and friends will surely be made. But what if I dont know who I am and who I am is everything I hate. And kindness turns to sadness and sadness is turning into anger and that scares me. What does it take for me to love myself. What does it take for someone to care. what does it take for someone to stick around and stay alive. What does it take for me to tell the truth when teachers ask how I am doing. I am scared of people knowing, but what does it take until I cant hide it anymore.

The day you disappeared I happened to skip school
I often wonder what it would have been like
if I found out over the intercom at school
and not through the phone calls in my bedroom
i wonder what it would have sounded like
I wonder how they said it
I wonder how people in my home room would have reacted
they were all freshman who probably didnt know you
I wonder if it might have brought me closer to cry with others
or if would have made me angry to see people to pretend to be sad for attention
I think maybe it was better to be alone
but I feel like I am always alone
now more than ever
All my friends that knew you
are gone now
they dont care about me anymore
did they forget about you too
after over a year
the world keeps going
unaffected by you or me
but does anyone know
how thoughts of you still hurt me
does anyone know i still miss you more than anything
does anyone know I still have nightmares
does anyone know I still text you on twitter
does anyone know I still cry when everyone is asleep
does anyone know I am still angry at you
does anyone know I still hate you for what you did
does anyone know know that i still have dreams that feel so real that i forget your not alive and you feel so close to me but I wake up and i am scared and remember your so far away and i can never really talk to you about any of this.
does anyone still do this too
because I feel so alone.
no one that I know now knows about you
did I even know you
how could I wake up one morning and you were just gone
will I ever feel better

I feel like I'm just hiding behind my face
And I'm just dreaming
Of what it's like to not be an outsider

Don't cry baby your a masterpiece
Don't cry baby just keep posing for me
Don't cry baby or someone will see
Don't cry baby just dream **** things
Don't cry baby or you'll never get these keys
Don't cry baby you will be safe with me
Don't cry baby your my masterpiece

I have learned so many things this year with you,
I learned my former heart breaks
were something I had to do
to understand how much I am in love with you.

I learned that all my troubles in life
were to show me how good life really is
you taught me how beautiful life could be

I learned
that the world looks so much better
through your tinted windows
the sunset in the summer
looks so much better in shades of purple
the sun is so much more comfortable
the river is much more calm
and our love is much more private

I love the way the world looks
through your tinted windows

I think my favorite thing
About life
The most beautiful thing
Is being intertwined with you
To lay my head on your chest
To listen To your heart beat
To feel your fingers dance
along my back and hips
To feel your strong
Overworked hands on my shoulder
To feel you squeeze me
And when I look up at you
Your so focused
And innocent looking
And beautiful
God your so beautiful
In every single way
In your arms
Is where I wish to stay

When we made love you used to cry
You said I love you like the stars above
I love you till the day I die

I wish I could sleep
But my mind is racing
With beautiful thoughts
Of you

Oh how I wish those thoughts
Would turn into beautiful
Dreams of you
So I could finally get some rest

But that would be to good to be true

I just want to cry
Every time
I look in the mirror
And see my thighs touch

I just want to cry
Every time
I lay down
And see my fat rolls hang off my body

I just want to cry
Every time
I walk
And my legs jiggle and run together

I just want to cry
Every time
I sit down
And my stomach folds over my jeans

I just want to cry
Every time
He says he loves my body
Because I wish I did too

The truth is
I hate my body
And I always will
Every time I see my self
Every inch of fat I pinch
Every colossal photograph
I hate it I hate it all

Don't ask me what's wrong
Because I don't want to tell you
Because I don't want to be
One of those girls
That fish for compliments
Because I don't care
No matter what you say
I will never think I'm thin

No matter how many
Pounds
Inches
Meals
I lose
I honestly believe I will never feel
Thin even if someday I become thin
I won't see it

Whenever I think I understand what we are
You always surprise me
Every day I find something new
To love about you.
Every day my perspective of us
Changes
I feel like you open up
Just a little bit more
Every time I see you
And when you do that becomes
The new best moment of my life
Love is learning new things about you
And falling in love with you in a completely
New way
It's like the greatest gifts I have ever received little pieces of you
I am so happily in love with you.

I want to be in your room
On your bed
I want you to slowly move
One hand along my waist
Down to my lower abdomen
And down to my thigh
I want to feel your other hand
Move it's way up my ribs
Brush past my *******
Feeling my chest up to my neck
I want Your nose to touch the bottom of my
Neck all the way to my jaw to my ear
I want to feel every hot breath against my skin
Every inch along the way
I want Your soft kiss on my cheek
The way you hold me before we make love
The softness in arms and in your voice the passion in your eyes I feel your love like I'm touching your heart with my own body
I think it's the way you show me you love me
The reason why I lust for you so much
I need your body it's all I can think about
I want to kiss you for hours I want to be sentenced to your bed for the rest of my life
When I'm on top of you the way you kiss me and wait for me to **** on your lip and bite it the way it turns you on and i feel you ****** your hips into mine. You get excited and squeeze my **** and slap it and you stop to stare at me. Then you roll over on top of me and start to take my clothes you never stop looking at me you always look right into my eyes. We have to be quiet but I can't be when your inside. So you dig your neck and shoulder into my mouth your not very loud but every deep breath and grunt and word you say to me in a hot musky voice sends me into another world. I just want it to last forever I have never wanted someone so badly in my entire life.

This relationship
Is so very different from the rest
And this time I mean it
Not like last time
Or the time before that
But really
This time is different

Everything is so honest
I don't love you yet
And you don't love me
But thats ok
We can tell each other that
And it feels so free

I don't feel Like I have to play these games
I don't feel Like I have to hold back my feelings
I don't feel Like I have to put up walls
So I won't get hurt...

I don't have to tell you
Cute little lies that we always tell
Just so I won't hurt your feelings
We are just happy in each others company
We are just slowly getting to know each other
It's so free

Every time I see you You
I don't have to tell myself your perfect
That our relationship is perfect
That everything is perfect
Because that's Probably a lie

This relationship isn't pressured to be something it's not
It is what it is
And it is free

And never in my life have I have ever been so happy

I think it's real
When your so happy
And content that when
You normally want to
Tell the world about him

Your at a loss for words...

You just want to lay in bed
Close your eyes
Squeeze your pillow
And rerun every memory
Every moment of him
Over and over
Inside your head
Until you fall asleep

I think it's real
When you don't feel
Like boasting about it
Because every time
I wanted to
It was to convince myself
Not others
That I was surely in love

But I think it's real
Because I don't love you yet
You don't love me yet
But I'm happier than I have
Ever been...

Every single time I see you
I learn so much more about you
And I have never felt more alive

I don't know if this is love
But I think
This is the closest I ever been

Everything about you is so confusing
The first time I have really liked someone
The first time I have been so attracted to someone
The first time that I loved everything about someone
In such a long time
I stay up all night all day looking at your pictures thinking about our next date strategizing how I'm going to make you love me
You turned me into this crazy obsessive person
I think you care about me
But I'm so afraid
I have been hurt so many times
Do you really care about getting to know me
Or do you really just want to get a lay.
You do cute suddle things that make me think your sentimental but only physical things.
You hardly look at me and when you do it's my lips and not my eyes. So many times you seem
Uninterested and your responses are so short.
I think maybe your shy but you certainly don't hesitate to take my clothes off.
But it's been over a month and we have not had ***. You are the one who asked me to be your girlfriend you spend so much money on me
And drive really far to get me
But we only see each other once a week
And lately you always want to leave early usually after you get off.
I still feel like I don't know you
And I don't know how
I'm attracted to you
And I want to feel your touch
But I don't want to give it all away
To a boy who doesn't deserve it.
I wish you didn't scare me

Your car
I think is my favorite place
All black
Purple tinted Windows
Grenade air fresheners hanging from the rest view mirror along with black jumbo fuzzy dice
Radio plugged into your iPhone
Playing my favorite music
Because it's your favorite too...
It's your favorite too.
Eyes focused on the road
One hand on the steering wheel
The other lighting a cigarette
The way you love your music the way
The way you sing those songs that we both no every word too.
How did you know what my favorite song was?
You hardly look at me because your driving
And your so careful
But when you do make a quick glance
I swear my heart skips a beat.
And when you pull over the way you stop
And just look forward and pause
The way your look at me
And so gently put your fingers on my chin
Bring you lips close to me and pause
As if to make sure it's ok
And you look at me
With a face I can not find the words to describe No smile or smirk just passion
Just gentle tenderness and romanticism you kiss me
First so softly just lips
Then more passionately and assertive
Then you just stop and look at me
When you kiss me when you touch me
It doesn't feel ***** or lustful
It's something else i don't know if it's love
Because I don't believe i have ever felt love before
We move fast because your assertive and I love that but...
I'm scared
I'm so scared because I actually feel something
I'm so scared
Because I still know so little about you
We just met
But I want you
It doesn't feel wrong
This is different
As we kiss while I'm on top of you
I'm so hesitant I'm shaking
But you just keep touching me
Slowly at first and then faster
You make me feel wanted
But can I really believe that you care about me? I'm so...
We have never had ***
We have done "things"
But I'm still a ****** to you
I'm not ready
But I don't think I could ever say no to you
But you have never urged me too
You have never mentioned it
Is it just because you don't want to get me pregnant or because you know how scared I am
My Pisces lover
The romance and gentleness
You share with me is what I need
Your cute Eskimo kisses and the way you pinch my nose I feel so much more behind it
I feel like you have been searching for someone to love for someone to give your every thing too just like me.
But I feel like your holding back your feelings
I still don't know much about you
But I know there is so much inside of you locked up that no one has ever seen before
But I want to see it I want to know everything about you...
The scorpion fell in love with the fish
My Pisces lover
I could write books about you

Sometimes I just feel like a doll
By sometimes I guess I mean all the time
Hollow porcelain my pretty perfect hair
My cute face
When you see me you will fall in love
And I will be as sweet and kind as I can be
Then it will blow your mind
And you will be lost in me
At least... Until you find another pretty doll
Because Thats all I know
My beauty
And my recorded phrases
I'm boring
I'm nothing inside
I'm hallow
Who am I
I'm just a doll
With a broken heart

This lantern of mine
lights up my world like your eyes
Did on that last night

Your not here anymore
So I rely on the Sun and the moon
When I am lost at night
And my bed is cold an lonely
I look to the moon
Just like we used to
The moon will guide me
And feel my tears
Just like you used too.
When I am angry and heartbroken
And the world
Has turned on me
I will look to Sun
To warm my cheeks
To comfort me
To light up my world
Just like you used too.
You are my Sun
You are my moon
As long as then rise and fall
I know you are always
Here with me

One last time I see
Your eyes glimmer at the stars
The last time goodbye

I gaze at the moon
Are you looking at it too?
Just like the last time?

Once as a little girl
I dreamed of a man
Even at 7 years old
I dreamed of a man
Not a boy
I never dream of boys
I dreamed of a man that
Never stopped smiling
I dreamed of a man
That was intoxicating
He drew me in with every
Sparkle in his eye
With every word he spoke
When I was near
I just needed
To feel his skin
I needed to bathe
In his warmth
All I see is his face
His torso and Hands
And his hair
The Sun was blinding
He was all I could see
The way the Sun sparkled
Off of his long blond hair
The way the Sun danced
On his skin
The way he held out his hand...
He held out his hand
For me...
For me.
I just needed to take it
I needed to get close enough
To hear his sweet words
I needed to hear his laugh
I need him.

I dreamed of him for years
I still dream of him
And only of him
I search for him when
I'm awake
I sleep just to see him

My friends say I need a man
But I have my man
They set me up on dates
With their "men"
But I see only boys
Horrible mean boys
Careless depressing boys
Boys that just want
What they want Boys
Who play with hearts
Like its an art
Disgusting boys.

I don't need Boys...
I only need my man
My man that carries me
My man with the longest
Blond hair
My man
With the sweetest touch
My man

Your eyes are the most beautiful
That I have ever seen
They blue like the sky on the brightest day
But the sky is a not always blue
It turns to grey to black
The blue fades every day
But your eyes
They always stay bright and blue
I'm in love with you

Your hair is the most majestic
That I have ever seen
Its as bright as the Sun.
But the Sun doesn't always shine
Some times it hides in the clouds
It fades every night
But your hair it always shines
It never hides
Not like the Sun
I'm in love you

The most beautiful man I have
Dreamed of I love you

Go ahead and cry
Cry your invisible tears
Feel them glide down your cheek
Feel them collect in your hair

Don't let anyone see them
Don't let them know
Your eyes are just sparkling
Don't let them know
Don't ever let them know

The problem with beauty
Is that it's never enough
No matter how lovely
How wonderful
How mindblowingly
Beautiful you are
It's never enough...

Never enough to be satisfied.