I came to my homeland
to bury my grandfather
I came to my homeland
to be a balm for my mother

I was not prepared
to say my final farewell,
a last conversation
with my grandmother!

Pneumonia,
followed by brain cancer

In her weakened state,
I looked into her eyes
she looked back into mine
the unspoken being told;
shared by our eyes

I thanked her for adopting my dad
they gave him a future
by extension gave me a future
she looked me in the eye;
said I am living a good life
and she is proud of me

Thus we departed
her final words,
never again to see each other
never again in this life
will we be together

Where did you go?
My strong grandfather
lying dead in his coffin
still and lifeless

Once the picture of manliness
strength, masculinity and health
now a lifeless corpse

Like a human sized robot
with a miniature pilot
a pilot that simply left
and a biological suit just lies there

Unable to even open his eyes
or move a muscle

I don't understand death
I don't get what it is
The pilot leaves and goes where?

Alone in a room
with a white coffin
and my grandfather's corpse
I stand and try to get a hold on the moment

Leaving me fcked up
Searching for meaning

Looking over my shoulder,
out the plane window;
I see the African plains,
20,000 feet below

Never again,
did I think I'd ever see Africa again
Never again,
did I think I'd feel the African sun again
on my African skin

A bittersweet return
and once I leave here,
I don't think I'll ever return
In fact, *I mean not to

For weeks,
Sleep eluded me
For weeks,
Drugs wouldn't help me catch
A solid night's sleep

Now, at the end
Of this black day
The hunter becomes the hunted

Sleep stalks me
Like a silent predator
Struggling to keep my eyes open
When I need to be awake and focus

The cruel irony!
Hold on Predator,
You'll soon be able
To consume me fully

Sitting on the rocking train
The acrid smell of burning brakes
carried on a breeze,
Bringing slight relief from the stale air

A surreal moment,
As I gaze at passengers' feet
Exhausted,
reflecting on my grandfather's death

An unwelcome moment of self realization
Punctuated by regular train stops.

My heavy heart stares into an invisible abyss
While minding the gap all the way to the airport

If I had a garden
with frilly little fairies
I’d catch them all,
grind them up for pixie dust!

I’d tie a lovely pink ribbon
around a pretty little phial
and with a pure gold necklace
decorate your beautiful neck

Then wherever you go
fast or slow
you’d have some magic
to turn your day to happy from tragic

and maybe always
have some sunshine
while I sing because you’re mine

you, whose Candle flickers in the Night,
whose warm Flame fights against the Cold
you, whose Candle shines in the Night
a tiny flame in the Darkness

do not so quickly judge;
do not be so angry;
do not despair;

to Us who extinguish our Flames
by our own breath,
the night became too cold
the darkness too thick

to those of Us
who extinguish our own Flame
the Way forward
does not exist!

don’t deny us the rest we sought
or the relief we desired
we did not seek to hurt you
but our burden was too great

as I join my brothers
and sisters who went before me;
hold dear our memories
and celebrate our Freedom