In due time I knew
This sickness would falter,
Abandoning the fight I put up with
For five years
I'd no longer but shot up from the bullets
The pure ugliness of it all

It's too soon, I imagine
Why should I feel this way?
Was He feeling generous this time around?
Where would I be if it continued to derail me?

Make no mistake, I live in appreciation
But I ache knowing others must suffer
When my best friend lives with death
Surrounding the shoulder like a sharp pain
In the joints that won't seem to leave
I shouldn't be stuck saying,
*At least it's not me

It's been two years
I still make that attempt
Where I look at them
In a convincing and promiscuous way
Eager heart with not much to show
My body screams "too hard to handle"
I do not know why
All the lovebirds get to sing their song
And I, in a truly saddening fate
Am stuck lying to myself

never want what you can't obtain
live life like an unfortunate soul
keep your body open for anyone
take advantage any pair of legs
let it consume you, feed you, fill you
nourish your undeserving desires
levitate toward satisfaction
push through the need to leave
sell your soul for a reason to be happy
love what you do and make it count
you can't feel like a fool your whole life
leaving your lover won't make things better
if you refuse to find a way to
find what it is that makes you
so lovely from all the rest
don't lock up the things
that make you
you

Put me back into the world
Engage me with your eyes
Make me feel so important
**** the life back into me
I feel my spine shiver
A freefall into your crystal rod
The craving feels so raw, so real
Be the best to me, love
Dip me into a fountain of appreciation
There's no greater truth than yours
Only you can send this pit of misery
And blast it off to an ache of passion
I'm on both scales between
Giving up
And
Giving in

I won't be anything to you, you
Who planted the seed in confusion
Never knew I would be a product
A spawn of accident I was
Swimming in mystery, living without thought
You became a man of higher proportions
Seven feet tall in a blurry photograph
In my dreams you stood unnecessarily
Before I knew myself, I barely knew you
Giving you a second chance
Might have been the scariest thing to him
There is no fixing what was never there
No hating what I never loved
I'm stuck with confusion as well
Who am I supposed to call Father?

i am bold and italicized only when you're around
i pretend i'm a confident selfless being

in truth
i feel lost, experiencing free-fall in my stomach
i touch my nails to see if any are left

where is life going?

It keeps me up at night
While I count my blessings
I told her self-deprecation is wrong
Only I would know it best