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Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2013
every time our rides,
these now separate,
unconnected lives, paths...
coincide,
those amazing features,
flawless neck line,
my eyes make time
for her
though their conquests know
much more
distant,
propagate fantasies, memories
of what those full lips could do,
how the caress of hers set my heart aflame.
one way thoughts
that end
in the present,
in this wreck of a life,
wasted
every day wanting
to have
died
just the day before
goodbyes were given. the realization of my inequities,
inability
to conjure desire
as i could and ooh, oh so loved to do
when i was what
other men currently enjoy.
it ***** because she to my eyes
is the broken mold
post perfection,
to this day, it *****
because
i want her,
because i do,
because
she's beautiful,
and I'm in love with her.
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2014
Here we are
Grey waters
Swells heaving
Crashing continuosly
Over, over, sinking
Lost, capsized
In an ocean of feeling
Such bitterness
Cold, grey waters
My world, our ship
Taken, torn,
Slipping in
Capsized, feelings
Going down with a ship
A lost cause
Because of you
Sails lost winds
only to be torn apart
when winds of change hit
breaking masts; match sticks
to the crushing weight
of your caress
the lack therein
Abandon ship
A chance if only
Gaining purchase upon
Or cling to foolishly
a fractured fragment
of the lost
the capsized emotions
gasping, choking, calling out
Washing up on the shores
of an island of confused loss
Capsized in an ocean of feeling
lost.
Jack R Fehlmann Mar 2021
To wrap my lips around that tongue of gold

I bet it tastes better than rainbows dipped in Mmmm-hmmm-sauce.  Hot. Or cold.

Oh, to press this subject until it penetrates that
Generous all but me libido.  

My eyes would gush if those tears didn't evaporate so quickly.
Jack R Fehlmann Jan 2021
What?
Does an affirmation
In itself take?

So much more.

More than offered here?
Thousands?

Words poured.

In better ways than mine?
To take the need away.

Take these things.

Take so much to take
What little I fail to say.
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2021
Stares they seem to touch me
Brush against my hardened shield.
I no longer fail to confront them
I know if I turn they won't be there
At times I start to worry for my mental health
Cause countless times I felt a fool
Paranoid dispite no proof
My eyes would never cease
to scrutinize the room
The person present besides me
Was always different and nobody I knew
These times I might have been paralyzed
Or chose to up and run back home
In the darkness was the safety of my room.
My lonely life, was still my terrible truth
If was crazy then just maybe I should not
Submit the eyes to my demise.  
But when you're crazy, please tell me
How to know the truth?
I feel the eyes.  Or maybe I've come too have a ***** loose?
Jack R Fehlmann Sep 2021
It feels so,..
Worth the time spent typing
backspacing, deleting
rereading
to post
so as to reread yet once
okay twice,
more than three times
today at least
to find comments and likes
a few, nothing like my favorites
on this my favorite of sites.
but I am not aiming at greatness.
I write, gibberish, melancholy, funny
and just plain ******* more than
an assembly of my conscious thoughts
that somebody liked!  
Thank you for taking time to show me.
Jack R Fehlmann Apr 2014
The Other Side of Leaving

Never had it that way...
Never felt that side of leaving.
Haven't heard pain,
Never heard pleading
for me to please,
please not leave...
Baby please stay...
Haven't made the choice to stop feeling...
On the other side of leaving
its always been me on the damaged end
Not to be, must be something.
Or is it more difficult?
How would I explain?
When I don't fully understand...
Hearts change?
Could I let you down just to walk away?
All while knowing...
Having myself felt that pain,..
I've never had it that way.
The other side of leaving
Jack R Fehlmann Apr 2014
this time of night

Still up, amongst the rabble,
and the insects
as they swarm in the cool,
and relish the moonlit
I rummage through thoughts,
I reflect, I haunt,.. ever caught
a thought as circles about
around and throughout your head
or flown in the placid purple twilight
of heaven's ocean in the sky?
Quality time, quietly appreciating
silience as it is but for the crickets,
far off car tires against the cooling asphalt
automated sprinklers hissing new moisture to alien lawns
No pressing appointments
to nail down uncertain morrows
the moon, her stars, their perch and ours
I love this time,
though I am often at my lonliest,
overcome with rerun moments
of my life
as it once was
hypothetical questions
unvocalized to the universe
Am I ever thought about
is it time and time again?
Why do I do this?  
Will I ever stop?
another question...
Jack R Fehlmann Dec 2018
I finally took a hard look
Seeing myself as I seem to be
To Her eyes, the same as she must
That very moment
she decides
She walks away.
Jack R Fehlmann May 2020
the soundless, falling,  opaque rain
Adds through it's subtraction,
Facing away, when skeletons are out
I chase, to save though you play
Having had, tasted the forbidden
In and of the real form of you, of once
Beneath a front of love, white lies,
Not so little as the fixed smile
Not so honest as the bones of you
Jack R Fehlmann Jun 2020
Words do little to say
The gratitude I have
Still now and even then
In your wonderful workings
Thrilled and proud, smiling
Reflecting that you haven't changed
Conforming to never had done that
Because you awash in light
Colors all so fondly follow you
Contrasting completely
The boring world faded
Is in fact little, skewed now
No longer beside,
completely beneath
Jack R Fehlmann Jun 2020
A gift of Calm
foretelling storms
Turn gray bright horizons
inward melancholy wants
I see truth
Feel Sorrow unforgettable

Happiness the breeze
like the trees
I vainly want
Reaching
and swaying
Never holding onto

It is all around me
the wind plays
free and happy
always moving
Never still
never my own
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2014
This,..  My way,  my nature
Birthed to this,
My lineage,  this legacy,
Given,..  Named,..  
Long ago,  our lines given
Titles, trades,  qualities,  dispositions
Earned, bestowed, deserved,  taken
It was a day of beginnings,  
A day of firsts, lines created
It was a day of words
It says the day of naming.
Only are names given but that once
After that day,  one is born into
The name,  the legacy then passed
From generation to the next,
fathers and sons
My line: Fehlmann...
A man missing, or lost and searching?
Hiding?  Different?  A little off?  
Perhaps indefinable?  
Unreachable, exploring,  so misleading,
Misunderstood,  built different,  special
Untouchable, wandering,  leading?  
I can't help but wonder,  why?  Those words?
Was my distant relative present?
What a puzzling choice of words to be given?  Or,  earned?
Thoughts on ancestry,  bloodlines,  family trees,  names,  surnames,  why we are named these ways
Jack R Fehlmann Jan 2021
This light I spin my world around
This day and night type design
The warmth cast upon from above
How completely the heavens hold
Every once around I get, a blessing,
a gift like dawn coming to set again
As brilliant and perfect each is
I am amazed and insignificant
Simply along for but a brief tick
But in love and humbled to witness
Our place in the heavens
This embrace of sol
Jack R Fehlmann Jun 2020
What do we use words for?
We haven't communicated lately
I blurted out the hope
Met against open denial
Then without, and pushed
Growing distance
The Empty Air Between us.
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2018
Felt it in subtle way
Clues that she betrays
I move close though
She seems to go off away
I begin to see it
Even If she says different
We ain't going to make it
Welcome to the final days
Love this far gone
It won't be much longer
When i choose not to
And she keeps going
Welcome to the ending
This is where we are love.
Where i am
You just walk away.
The end.
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2013
And I heard the words approaching,
So close, so fragrant beneath her pressed lips
I waited, I listened...

Encouraging the woman I thought I loved,
Please, baby pleading with all remaining hope...
It wasn't meant to hurt, it was foolish,..

Perfumed blissful ignorance in my waiting acceptance,
whisper the words love, no other may need hear them,
for they are for my hurt, my scarring heart...

In her beautiful green eyes,.. She wants to,
But there is only the longest pause...
then a tear, shed to roll easily away
and I am no longer the reason for the words

something did happen,
robbing the song they produce
in my heart, that in a breath, weakens...

Oh no, no, no, no don't give silence reign over our union.
Silence is nothing to my eardrums,
as it is...  Too loud,
and wretchedly painful to my heart.

So close, the words, the way to the way it was,
before,...
one last kiss will never come...

As she turns and lives forever part,
all that is left,
is the fragrance of a whisper
to remember, and words that never were never heard.

I'm sorry,... I do love you,
I will always, forever...

Words that never come.
Jack R Fehlmann Apr 2015
they were right
those that have suffered through it
the first night is the hardest
so I've heard
so I've learned
All nights are, can be
difficult, painful for certain
when surrounded by familiar
in the house, now so quiet
Erie, one less pillow,
empty closet now,
one less blanket
and time alone, so badly unwanted
it was to yourself and in the dark
" I did not want this. "
the first night, is.
The worst, the hardest.
found this in a bunch of stuff from way back and felt it all over the way I did back then even though I've made my peace with it. meaningful poems can do that!
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2013
Is it the hardest part
the getting on with, or over
Laying bones to rest,
Forgiving barbed tongues
Or embracing well deserved sorrow
I know I for one held on
for so long, secretly hoping
waiting and denying new love
martyred by my loss
victimized and over guarded
afraid to realize what may come
foolish as at last I've opened up
that was the easiest,
the hardest part was believing
I could never do it.
Jack R Fehlmann Sep 2021
Promise a light, innocent thing
A gesture at times simply said
Enough to warrant disappointment
Though I know I never meant to
I sometimes misplace intent
I don't mean too.  I'm awful
To not do all I thought to
But I get that you don't trust
The Intent that I meant to
After all words are often meaningless
and intent alone won't do much more
Than lose the trust of those that matter most.
Jack R Fehlmann May 2019
At the moment of death
Might the victim look upon
The Killer's face finding there
An Angels love, in eyes of mercy?
Feeling joy perhaps, as last breath
Resulting by acts carried out prior?
Perhaps upon the escaping breath,
Whispered from dead lips then
Translated by the only ears to hear
Is joy, understanding and greatfulness
To a mind of the psychopath?
Jack R Fehlmann Aug 2020
Counted moments passed us
Though the light of her eyes held
The longing inside mine
Jack R Fehlmann May 2020
To take back, is only to remember
So you must keep that view.
Two halves, flipped to the sound
Of you calling heads to win it
With wind knock out, I sink down
Saw you celebrating, some other then
One of them hand in hand
And I didn't want the breath
That my lungs were fighting to take in
It seem right to let them win,
After losing what I did, all I did
Everything you ever said, you never did, I play poorly now here I am
Watch you, another man,
Come to find he was the first of them
They would become many
And every one if them took from me
What I thought I ever wanted.
But they got had same as the last
And as I breathed in I aligned a new view, one in which I am better off with out the likes of you
Jack R Fehlmann Jan 2019
I remember thinking, as a child
Will I ever really own my own life?
On my tiptoes to see him, me,
my, reflection... Odd though, I'd thought.

To Ask. And Answer? Him, Me,
the little-mirrored one;

"What would that be like?"

40 years and I still can't answer the question...
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2013
I've met so many people
In this one lifetime
Befriending faces and so many names
Often only for but brief, moments
A few will stick around for a while
Rarest are for a life time
All with qualities, short-comings
and vis-versa, but none closer to perfect  
Devotion from one person to another
is a rare blessing to be had
But from mans' best friend it's a given
To a man that friend devotes all of his attention
Always ready and willing to lather on the affection
Happy with just the pat on his soft head, with it, he is in heaven
Will I ever know another soul like him?

One that will never purposely harm or mistreat me for no good reasons?
In my opinion that answer is a resounding NO
No, not man, not a woman, no human not ever
Because not a man alive could ever handle the heart of our dogs' burden
That of our best friends, of our k9 companions
Unselfish, and unquestioning devotion will never be a humans
No, our burden is simply the curse that we out live them
So that as they pass from where we know and love them,
Into the place that we can not simply look down and pat them

I pray that place has someone just as awesome waiting for them
Someone who makes them a world to live in and celebrates every second they share with them
Asking nothing back from them... And While we all just keep going on...
Heartbroken, but profoundly and fiercely proud to have ever known them.
We might hope and pray daily...

One day, when it's our day... Might just be when,
we look down and again
there we find that beloved friend... Right then,
and realize that heart has never forgotten...
Smiling at us... Tail wagging...
Because this time he knows we'll never separate from him.
As we both walk on as is destined.
When the hard work is done,...
Distractions of living are all gone...
Finally we can pay them their due attention.

And never be mean,.. nor take them again for granted...
Only believe in... nor be separated from them...
It'll be our time together in what surely must be heaven.

Dogs hearts will forever be the greatest love, this man will ever learn to miss so badly...
As I will. I will miss you so very badly Scrappy, and you too Toby. Good Doggies!... I'll only regret every day I must live with out them. Til my work too is finished boys... Till then enjoy your new friends.
your poppa...
Jack.
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2014
Thirty-seven trips now,  
Around the Sun...
Still,..  I am found wanting.
True in form and practice,
To my line,  my heritage...
The Lost,  or,  the Missing,..
The Ones Lacking,..  Or Off.
The day of naming did too find us.
Difficult,  hard to be certain of,
My line was to be rated and unwelcomed.
Undefined yet equally undiminished,
Our ways far too confusing,
Unconforming,  unlike my shoes
To this,  Her stone road.
Stretching out and on
To meet with the earth and the sky.
The birthing grounds of tomorrows,
And that realm of possibilities
made maybe's.
In one direction
do his strides consume
distance measured in footstep
After unwavering footstep.
The man called Lost,
His line the misplaced,  unwell
Insane,  or simply the missing.
Follows the road as roads promise,
Direction,  reasons to push on,
Whispering rewards,  her smile,  her acceptance.
This man known as wanting,  fits the definition
For only rarely is this the way of his name...
This is the road,  it's stones
Fit face to face onward,  
Endless,  and as uncountable
Are they,  as are his questions
What if he cannot be found?
Forever out of place,  unknown,..
Lost to her beautiful eyes,
  or the radiant waves
Each of her smiles creates?  
Could this road lead this man,
From nowhere,  of nothing
To an end just as unwelcome?

This man that answers to the far off,
That knows the distant,  the different...
She owes this road,  placed each stone...
The toll must be hers,  alone
And a test that one must satisfy,
To earn the trust,  to claim such reward
As to be known,  to be welcomed,  to be loved
To be found perfect,
And to be wanted,  for being different.
so be gentle it is still a work in progress so be gentle it is still a work in progress
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2021
There is a tool
A master holds
It is that that makes
Immortal from a mountain
The masters know
The way to move man
To infuse the stone
Chip by chip that falls
Until the hidden face remains
Time means nothing to those
The master chooses
Jack R Fehlmann Aug 2021
And?.. what of Me?
Then,.. when They,
All go on their own
Journeys, and I?
Terrifying, sobering these
Late thoughts now haunting.
Striking a dread within deeply.
What will I be? Who.. Then?
All I know of who I am
Is through who I've been...
To Them.  
What then?
Where will "home" then be?
Unprepared, this in the now life
I've chosen and so completely been
Taken in.  
My own journey never a thought
Never steering, questions never known
What will be next for Me?
How will life be like?.. Then?
It comes, and I know not.
What of Me?


Then?
Jack R Fehlmann Jan 2014
it isn't right
the way you tease
much about and inside
me isn't right
and I believe you can
why,...You must
see right through
the downward destinations
inside Where I hide
exactly what is felt
And one heart is caught
is then this trap forgotten
the less than savory,
The nothing special
the ignorant laugh
And the wise understand
this cannot be easy
What is yet that may be
might bear much wrong beneath
Some beyond, buried, unlikely
your pieces are much less deep
These then are mine, my secrets,
My own unlikable qualities, proud moments
Terrible wants, disturbing fantasies
Awful enough that they must stay down
Down is where demons go,
But I think you've seen them
Jack R Fehlmann Mar 2021
I set the beat
of this heart by your eyes in the morning light.
I dug so very deep.
Around all these reasons
why I was so all alone.
I did my best to be the only right in a world so wrong.
I confessed and was splayed in truth before you.
I fought off my old habits
as soon as they crept into the light.
I did this for you, us, all it was
and wasn't
I  felt I knew how to be great
Gave  so what I believed  would be
whole hearted.
I loved, still love and terribly miss
the you shaped piece of my insides
Missing and wishing
Wondering if you are.
If you saw
the future I thought would be the present.
We were great,
and I believed we could make it
Then we didn't.
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2013
Close your eyes for me Son
Please, so You won’t see Me
The Other Man I become
Selfish is He; Uncontrollable
All that He wants in life
Is nothing I want for you Son.
He seeks no memories,
Nothing as important,
As numbing what haunts a Man.
The Other Me I Become
Heavens I can see,
Blue skies above.
And I believe,
Demons reside beneath,
Deep below my feet.
Where do you want Me?
As a man I have to halves,
Good and Bad,
Is the middle where you want me?
Unable to make two halfs meld
How can a Man
make two halves of himself come whole?
Neither a saint
nor lost soul
it seems, I am between
neither, yet something
incomplete, both shades of who I am
Who I just might be
The Me that got away
The Innocent, Genuine,
Foolish and Misguided,
Functionally Addicted
One Half says: I Am.
Then the Other Man I Become:
Could Have Been.
I hate that man,
Other Man, I am;
Or will become.
The Half of me that is Reason;
He Believes, I am Decent.
Jack R Fehlmann Dec 2020
Never had it that way...

Never felt that side of leaving.

Haven't heard pain,

pleading for me to please, please not leave...

Baby please stay...

Haven't made the choice to stop feeling...

On the other side of leaving

its always been me on the damaged end

Not to be, must be something.

Or is it more difficult?

How would I explain?

When I don't fully understand...

Hearts change?

Could I let you down just to walk away?

All while knowing...

Having myself felt that pain,..

I've never had it that way.

The other side of leaving
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2021
Ignited, one burns to die
Then from ashes, rise again.

A tear falls, it's end evaporated
Invisible it reappears in the heavens
Where it returns a torrential downpour

What happens if they each
Bear the other's as witness?
Jack R Fehlmann Apr 2014
Such a Thing

To see that face everyday
But my wants keep consuming
the games fate plays are abrasive
taking layers and vital parts
and my heart feels several shades
that fall up to sink apart
and multiple layers that all bleed grey
like too much soup in the wicked heat
believe me it is a special ache
Universal to those that know and do
owned only by the honey like memory
and ice storms of simple missing
Thats it, just the lack of them, of it
As I do, caught and caged this fool
Other men, that man I was that man
he knows you and that knowledge is caustic
my insides falling to pieces as you lift him up
I was, and I most likely shall only had been
a film developed before the picture shot
had you and me in it
Jack R Fehlmann Dec 2020
To hear the wind tell it
     Through the sounds of leaves
Swaying branches signing
     This way now it is nay upon us
There comes unknowns
Change is in the wind
Listen.  You can hear it.
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2021
Remembering

What a bladed edge such is.

Invitingly, dangerous

And yet...

To not,.. be not

in past tense...

Matters only what one wants

One did... Or not.

There is this

I guess.
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2020
I am a self imposed stranger
To the lives in the world as they were
I played and pretended to feel
Such amazing friends to be one who isn't
I drift away. I did.  I fell away.
Maybe they saw it when I faded off
Flickering briefly and... Gone. Thought I meant a little more than nothing... Worth calling out.
I did, but I wonder why I feel this sad
Better i guess than feeling nothing again.
Like when I did.
Jack R Fehlmann Jun 2021
If I could be the words
That you read
That
Make you see
These truths
And cause a want
In you
What but the words
I too often profess
I'd write it
Again.
Jack R Fehlmann Feb 2021
This silk heart done
From just this one line
Strung all throughout
Twisted are these precious
In amazement as the locks click
Now we shall weave
Undisturbed here
Such is as this wished
For having now  and
Soft is this wonderous thing
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2013
Guess who's divorced today?
I heard these words from an angel's lips
In a brand new voice, and felt the smile beneath
Sometimes life is like a complicated knot
So many ties, all twisted, unpredictable
each from a different part of living
when we work to lay them each straight
One takes everything and then some
the rest get away;  they make new knots
then, sometimes the ties that work themselves out.
Freeing you, changing your life,
On to the next knot, or not...
not finished... work in progress
Jack R Fehlmann Jun 2021
If I am to carry on through
Eye to eye with cruel nature
And intentional less caring
Found as is the case
I will call upon a trick
Using it to a brilliantly
Defensively of course, mainly
Who could be offended by my smiling?
Choosing to enjoy my day today.
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2021
Like spark my vision became
As opposite as night and day.
And were I looked was good
My mind had turned around
From the reflection spoken
Too often knowing
Blame and ruin  didn't matter
I had come to realize
I've all I need.  I've lived
Now I see.  I was getting only
What my mind made for me.
As I started feeling greatful
To this world that gave life to me
I began to be changes
I could see my way to joy
And prosperity came to me
Not like a stream
It is a crashing wave
All that's good came to me
Only love is all I am now
Thank you world dear mother
For all is good since the turn around
Jack R Fehlmann Mar 2019
Beneath the blades of grass
The dew again forming
Catalyst, cool new air carries
Moisture, evaporated tears
Of yesterday, of yesteryear
To cling upon the surface as
Countless drops appear,
each pure, unpolluted, reflecting
Growing, to be shed again
To the earth as do these thoughts
But to the void beating in me
Pushing blood to keep me going
The way of things does not matter
Whilst emotions or unattended lack
There in does to one so mournful.

I. Miss.  You.
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2013
maybe it's the simple ways?..
like a wink of one eye
or the suitableness in a smile
the type that comes in secret
shared by only we two
as if we are our own reasons
we are above the rest,
beyond the average everyday types
there is a bond, a connection
words shared with no verbalization
we are special, you and I
set apart, made unique, different
and the way we are together
we should hold on to this
what ever it is, it is
and it is enough, it is worth it.
labels are for those that can't see
or pick out one from the next
we need no such thing,
a thousand miles distant,
a lifetime apart,
I'd know you in an instant,
like rivers know the direction
of the land, it's hills and bends
the very very start of the journey
the ocean at its end
what you and I share is...
what it is,.. so long as we believe it
i am willing, if you are too.
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2013
It was the weight of her kisses
The    way     her      body     lay
                        And
             the vacant
                            longing for embrace
Things had changed
                       And
we    would    never   be   the   same
             a final courtesy
when
        she knew
                           for sure
                                             she could
                   not love me
Would      not        pretend
She
            answered            so             softly
And               honesty               cost                  me
                                                          The black
                        and white,
Sit-com life
I hold out hope still for.
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2021
Each time. Hits like
I should've been
Never would've guessed
didn't see "this" coming.
Yet again, this world taketh
These, my closest few
Each time fewer
another to the world's ranks
I guess I could expect it
same as how it feels
each time.  Right in the chest.
only one or two left
until the world taketh.
Jack R Fehlmann Sep 2021
Temprate rising,
Heat uses the horizon
To bend and weave
What calls you.
A silent siren.
As you do,
Never question the vision

They found you
Face down hands out,
But holding nothing

Take your eyes off
That which stays from reach.
You will see the truth
Or end center of a circle
Lies are never straight.
But they are still inviting.
Jack R Fehlmann Aug 2015
Though three separate
with this last comes a cadence

Again without,  alone,
empty chested aching

The very first
And then later the second

This third confirms
My relationship pattern emerges
Like a drum beat
A cadence
Jack R Fehlmann Jan 2021
The little candle lit
So brightly surrounded by
The gloom of darkness
Of so much wrong
truth hiding from you
Like the silhouette rising
stretching right behind Me
This candle will be my doom.
Jack R Fehlmann Jun 2015
no protection  if  unwanted wants,
My head  appreciates numb moments
in time as all shall, passes
This personal hell felt.
Lights and sounds feel focused
Aimed true, rare are close calls.
Near misses none tooFrequent
these siege like afflictions.
To sum my remedy,
my blissful Leave,
to be, know,
No more episodes
agony within.
Contentment, and more time
in which colors, laughter, living exist.
No pain Fills This mind,
I can take part in,  miss less,
Hurt less.


A perfect day is...
Free of cadence,
No commitment to agony.
Too true, my remedy numbs,
completely, when dedicated.
To be is to take part,
costs one's importance's
time, cherished connections.
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