It nags at me.

From just behind,
And just beneath.

Demands my hidden attention.

This thing
Is a part of me

That causes my hesitation.

Steals away my belief
That I am in fact a good man.

Bringing me down.

Wearing me down
To where I almost take the last step.

This thing
Though I don't want it

Is every bit a part of who I am.

And I know I do not want it.

shouldn't you know
couldn't you see
wouldn't I think
shouldn't believe
would if maybe
I couldn't see the angles
I wouldn't have controlled

what's done is all been foolishly over done
you occupy that unforgettable place
where all you become is my ruin
what to believe,
to what choice is left to turn on

shouldn't you know
couldn't you see
wouldn't I think
shouldn't believe
would if maybe
I couldn't see the angles
I wouldn't have controlled

what's done is all been foolishly over done
you occupy that unforgettable place
where all you become is my ruin
what to believe,
to what choice is left to turn on

fearing life's end is mute
what if to fear the suns sinking
then have the same scene each evening
you know the sun will return
what side do you choose to see

It's intensity is consuming
Frighteningly all incompassing

Flashes of bright brilliant need
Hunger and heart crushing pain

Boiling new and old ache
It rises and is my world

All at once, all I know and how
It demands that pressure be bled

Straining containment
Poetic explosions errupt
Volcanically ejecting line after line

All I can do is attempt sense
As I let the beast go

Screaming silently at the world

To get it out before
I am but embers, dieing out

Amidst the smoke and wind

Do that Son
which steals sleep without notice
or ill effect

as this doing,
does let open the call of you
being only rewards
and equal motions
of unwavering clarity

resonate to a frequency of only your own
and bath in it
amazing, as is the soul
As you forever are
find one outlet of joy
not from
but of a bliss
content timeless freedom Son.

that is the point
most are missing
Try never
allow the inner doubt audience
for long as it seeks
to hold you
from any elevated tones
regardless of its nature
that being
to protect you
by doing
so it prevents
Discovery and seeking
and Life Will go on

only as long as it was meant to
strive that not on that day
you recall one moment of
what never was
or never was done
Not said
or in the least
attempted

test your ends

find

what you never thought to want.

There is a sort of equilibrium in the notion

Of embracing someone or a future certain

On the one side; Thrill, closeness, nervous bouts of what if, desire, touching, feeling, wanting and holding at war with fear.
Of loss, of gaining, of learning to trust again.
Its counterweight; only certainty
Of safety, of simple safe existence though Lonely, and wondering.

Knowing such...  I choose....

For the lack of your company
I am...






Without.

For those that care
This IS Me

Imperfect, but breathing
Often approaching things
In my own way, I set the speed

I forget an awful lot
Even the important things
Names and faces, birthdays
Where ever I put down that doohicky

I'm drawn to bright and...

I talk over out of enthusiasm
For any topic I hold interest in
Not only is this rude it's unintended

If I am quiet, nodding
Possibly listening, I'm honestly off
On an inward tangent
Or straining my focus to not be
That would be rude,
I'm trying

I am not great at serious
I joke, I laugh, I enjoy it

I'm not easily swayed
But I am open minded
I simply choose the BS I find
Stinks less and holds merritt

I am mid age body
Old fashioned
Black and white sitcom
Never gonna happen
Yet I hold out hopeful

My life is a gift three occasions
Crash, cliff, shot and missed
I guess I'm not done yet.

Anywho, this is Me
Being transparent.

Discovering a need
To do, create, begin or build up
But what? Where is this drive
This unquenchable urgency
Of purpose viewed as if behind
A schedule, deadline,  
Is my time short?
All I wake to,
Though restless dreams
They too pressing, pushing
Fueling my every waking
I focus on establishing
One then two
Hiring, planning and implimenting
My attempt at leaving
My mark, a note, anything
For my son
When my time is up
A proof that in my life
I tried at something.

To shed another tear,
Of so many let roll down
The face always turned to you.
Borne of the state of the
Unwanted, so caught by such
These fall.  Or are wiped off.
Left to soak into pillows.
Only witnessed by the dark.
Betray a weakness within.
Tell tale evidence of a lack,
Unwillingness to love ones self.
Belief in being less when without.
Are but symptoms of poor choices
Of the heart, the need to please
At the cost of so many nights crying.
You can move on.  
You must see and believe,
That they are less, and left something great.
Hide not what hurt is felt.  
Promising only to not cause such in anyone else.

Eyes of a little child
with the smile I live for
full of light, right and why
we endure the cycle
Another goodbye
I emphasize how much I love you
every time, i know you know I do
I see one side of a life
behind the glass of the door you close
the in between is watching you walking
while I struggle with too much pride
the Tiny strides are getting bigger
with every trip we make
between a life with mine
and the life with Hers
towards the other world
My headlights add to the tragic scene
We do this over, and over, and over
week after week after week
Owning the rights to my everything
Showing again why we breathe
why I try, but do I couldn't I do better
Goodbyes that preside over our shared tomorrows
This did not play out like believed
entitled, promised, guaranteed
My life is so much better
Your smile warms the ice inside
but each goodbye brings me back below
And the drive back gives me time
That smile from you is the fulcrum
balancing the unbalanced
Two lives, one little boy
One  child,
so vital to us both

Don't they say
They know me
But I don't
know anything
Now that is
Off and out of place
Yet I am here
Where my heart is
Mattering nothing
To very very little
If at all
Leads me to then
I am impatient
Mostly tired
Sick throughout
Endings are lasting
Hellos require judgement
I am simple
And I am tired
Me here alone
Always within
And literally
In the present
Home comes after
After is the door
With no latch
No handle
Enter by invitation
None without