maybe we're all
a little bit tired of
fighting for things
that aren't changing

maybe we're all
somewhat bitter
about the people
we failed to love

maybe we just need
a little more hope in
our heads when we
go to sleep tonight

maybe i'm just rambling
like a madman unhinged
& nobody will hear what
i'm actually trying to say

Some days I'm finding my heart to be increasingly distanced from my friends and family. I'm feeling so incredibly alone and unable to shake the feeling that I'm not going to find my way out of this maze that is my mind. I mean, most days I'm feeling like my mind is still asleep on my bed and under my sheets.

I'm tired of these trust issues I have slowly tear away at my mind. It makes it hard to open up to people and get the help I know I need but am unwilling to accept... I put my friends through a lot because I'm a total mess inside.

This last year has undone me in ways I didn't even know were possible... I've lost and lost and somehow am still losing more because I'm leaking out of myself as if I'm a broken pipe.

I never expected to struggle with alcoholism. I never expected to not know how to trust my closest friends that have been there for me through thick and thin for years. I don't know how to cope with horrific nightmares, or the paranoia that I'm going to lose somebody else...

All I ever wanted out of this life was for somebody to love. I know I'm a good guy with a lot to offer, but it seems nobody wants that anymore. Maybe everyone is just as ****** up as I am. I don't know.

I just know these empty nights are killing me and empty days are leaving me hopeless. What's a Christian without hope supposed to be? ****...

It's hard to keep going everyday without you...
I miss you, y'know? I miss you...

I miss your smiling eyes that belied your emotionless face
I miss all our long conversations into the deep night
Whether they were absolutely meaningless or serious
Just to lay with you long after I should have been asleep...
Yeah, I miss you...

I miss kissing your forehead everytime we had to say goodbye
I miss the anticipation of seeing you after we'd been away
I miss all of your poetry you carved into my spirit
Barfight
On How to Love a God
If You Talk Enough Sense You'll Lose Your Mind
Nadya and Fatima (Such a great one)
Sun Kissed
Woman Lay With  Wolves...

I bet you didn't think I'd know your poems like that...
But you overcame my stubborn heart & I carved you into me
Molded and sewed every stitch of you to me
& I miss how you stole my heart away...
& I miss how I fell in love with your mind long before I fell in love with your body. (What a body it is, too)

I don't know if you'll ever see this letter to you
Part of me doesn't want you to because you'll know
Just how many tears I've shed missing you
& how bitter I am that you were ripped away from me

I miss you, y'know? I miss you...
& even though you're gone away
You left your sparkle in my eyes...

At the end of autumn
When all the leaves have fallen
Turning the trees into twisted pillars and columns
And the ground looks sick and rotten
All I feel is melancholy and solemn
As I wonder if this winter I will be buried and forgotten
Or if this spring I will blossom

it's hard to lose somebody
       you used talked to everyday
& they aren't there anymore
       so a little bit of you dies
day by day, night by night
       until the face in the mirror
isn't           you           anymore