in a moment i’m a child
my eyes heavy in the back seat
a highway hymn and i’m nodding off
the tires singing on asphalt
the train rattling, perfectly distant

i fall awake as the car bends
through glass i meet
the curb we last saw your bicycle

i remember you ran away that night
off something no one really said
or really did
but you decided that ghosts
would be better at explaining

pedaling faster— until launching
forehead gashed, again
no emergency visit this time
in a reality made of rust
and rubber, you lost grip
a victim of your own imagination

i know we moved years ago
but i still come to the bend
just to see the way they paved over the grass
the wheels still turning
in my manufactured memory
your spirit rising, or smoking
i feel you here, still
and it hurts you don’t miss me
and i keep saying you’ll come around
but i forget that’s the kind of ending you only watch in movies
and i forget what channel we were on
before the power went out

How can you run when you know?
⁃Neil Young

America,
Our words won’t shake the world enough to grow flowers out of gunpowder, or bright red, blood-curdling screams.

But we can try

These kids were 14 when they closed their eyes for the last time
They were 14 when the stepped out their front doors for the last time,
Their fresh eyes were swallowed out the back of their necks

I look at them the way I look at a blank canvas
Opportunity cascading like waterfalls
I look at them as a museum that was waiting for art
Waiting for love
And America
I am waiting for love

I was 14 and I was stuck in my own head
Trying to find something to belong to but searching in all the wrong places.
I was 14 and I too thought more about ending my own life than I would like to admit
I was 14 and I never watched the news because it never pertained to me

You see,
I was selfish for thinking the news never pertained to me
I was selfish for staying so disengaged, desensitized
America, my home, my nightmare
Wake up
Blame the video games, blame mental illness
But America, look
You’re killing your children

Wake up,
Because I am sick of praying
I am so tired of feeling helpless
Maybe there’s something we can do
Let's make our voices heard
Let's turn our lost blood to ink
And scream to ******* artist himself,

I’m sorry, Mr. President
But, did you get more than you bargained for?
We’ve been patient Mr. President
And we’re ready for your response.
Wake up, Mr. President
How many lives must be lost?
You’re a ******* artist, Mr. President,
But you can’t worm your way out this time
Don’t choke now Mr. President
This problem is kinda huge.
This country is a divided wrist, Mr. President
And your stubborn orange skin makes it seem as if we’re going to lose.

select

delete
are you sure you want to erase this item?
yes continue.

select
delete
are you sure you want to erase the happy times?
...
select
delete

oh, this one too?

select delete all memories
are you -
yes
yes i am sure

i have these ideas i can't seem to get across
just bubbling and fizzing and making a mess
my thoughts my head my notebook undressed

never put me to bed
don't tuck me in
no kiss goodnight
i write
so many places i needed to go
things i needed to buy
things i reminded myself to remember but
I forgot to remember them

words
two or three lines
all meaning something but adding to nothing
i can't finish anyth-

when you have nothing to be sad about
nothing to complain
just the unexplained emptiness
broken up sentences
fogged head
tight chest

they took away my razors
and now they watch me like a hawk
instead tonight maybe i'll touch myself
maybe ill pretend it's you
a feeling worse then sliced skin

the tinged sadness of faded scars
wars ended on bad terms with
no final conclusion
just itchy wrists
diving headfirst into grey
submerged in a numbness
finally a creeping smile across a blank face
perhaps a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply

out of the blue
i'll laugh to myself
your words were untrue
i put our our hearts on a shelf

never drew a line between love and lust
you took cupids arrow and stabbed hearts of trust
i'll bleed out just to see your crooked smile
just gotta pick up the phone and dial

but the numbers were blurry
i couldn't remember
the sounds of the waves
way back last september

been trying to stop myself from feeling
a contact high
a midnight drive
been trying to stop myself from feeling

i'll see you soon

Are you okay?
Are you feeling alright?
What is wrong?
Why don't you talk to me anymore?
You changed
Are you better now?

Yes I'm okay
I want to die still but I'm okay.
My head is wrong I'm wrong the scale is wrong the mirror is wrong.
I get anxiety when I talk to people now,
It's not just you.
I changed because my head tried to **** me.
I am so much better.
I'm good.
I just want to cut tonight
I just want to die tonight
I just want to puke tonight
But I can't
Cause I promised my parents I wouldn't.
I want to self destruct.
"Try coping skills"
Coloring a picture is not getting rid of my head.
I can't deal with you. My head is my head and you don't understand it. No one does. Im a screwup.
I'm so sorry. Okay.
I am broken.
Okay I'm sorry
I need to grow up but I can't and I want to die
I don't want to try and grow up.
Mom I'm tired so tired and I need a break.
I need to breathe.
Death isn't beautiful, but neither is living.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I have to keep trying
Keep living.
This is really hard.