the gold flecks in her eyes
are so much like fire,

he doesn't remember what it felt like
to have my icy fingers on his spine.

the gold flecks in her eyes
burn so ******* bright,

he is forever blinded
to all displays of my affection.

my ice, my burning charcoal eyes,
my dark, dark, dark.

i needed his light,
i needed his warmth to melt my walls.

but he needed another fire,
to burn like hell,

and feel like heaven.
what he doesn't know won't hurt him.

and what he doesn't see is not there.

i hold my head up so i don’t drown in his horizons.
and i remember someone said i should try to expand mine.
i was in luck trying to do so when he was where i could find him.
and i remember he said that he’d hold my hand. and time,
folds in on itself
cold as if hell’s
fire’s burned out
i’m sure now

this isn’t love it’s too broken to be
and i’m not your drug like i was hoping i’d be
but i’ll move on eventually
lovers are supposed to set you free
but you don’t do that anymore
no, not anything like before

words like bullets.

i don't want them to hit me.
i don't want to bleed.

i don't want you to hurt me.
i don't want you to shoot.

i don't want
you to
wake up/
get out of bed/
get dressed/
look at me like that/
close your eyes/
turn around/
turn back/
speak/
turn around/
leave.

but your tongue's on
the trigger,
and my heart's beating fast.
and i'm closing my eyes,
counting seconds,
counting sheep
because you can't hurt me
when i'm asleep.

i won't feel a thing.

you're pulling the trigger
and my mouth is quieting the racing bullets,
but although they're muffled they still hit my ears,
the pain travelling to my heart.

i bite your tongue too hard
and you bleed into my mouth
and i try to forget that you said

"i'm sorry."

and i watch you,
everything in me
still.

everything in me
is
lifeless.

everything about me is sick.
maybe in the rad way i used to be,
or maybe i'm just ill.

there are worse things.
my body could turn on me
while my mind is going sour.

(my soul is rotting you can smell it on my breath.)

my eyes are always open
and life-
it isn't sweet enough.

sweat drips down my spine
and i shiver while someone
whispers hallelujah in the silence.

(i'm sorry but i am no longer a green girl. my leaves are turning brown.)

albert kamus is this
absurd enough for you:
loving and loving, running dry?

everyone says i'm not a waste
of the space
i've been occupying

but i dare not occupy yours.
you are too clean,
and god, am i sick.

at night still wish for someone to love me
the way i've always wanted to deserve.

the possibility of you,
of slipping bodies spilling truths

still drives
me wild.

listen,

for i've been touched
by moonlight.