I laid down the stones, one by one
Laid them out with care and love
For you to walk all over them
But did you not see!
It was not a road that I paved
But a mosaic masterpiece

Does it ever seem as though
Something has left you
Alone
To feel no more
As if your bones have slipped out
From beneath your skin
I am troubled

Sitting in a large and
Somehow unfamiliar house
I am tired of my childhood
Tired of these purple walls
And PG movies
Decorating Christmas trees
This all feels too young
For me
Part of me feels strange
To leave behind
The fairy lights
And sleepless nights
With best friends in a hot tub
I was grown on Poptarts
And Sunday morning shows
None of that feels right anymore

I don't know what to do today
I must confess
I did my best
To restrict a bit
To make my stomach flat
I know that I can't do this
If I want to recover
And be the girl my mother
Knows again
I should not care what I eat
Or what I wear
In fact
I should wear what
Makes me smile
But the reflection in the mirror
Is a deadly persuasive
And the diary says
"Beautiful child
"You are listening again
"You see yourself as you are
"And that is as not enough
"Come with me dear"
But I have dreams
I do declare
I have dreams that will crush you
Dreams that will stomp the whole world flat
"What dreams?"
It laughs
"If you had dreams
"I would not speak
"The disordered do not have dreams
"Love
"They have fantasies
"Delusions of grandeur
"Drugged up hallucinations
"From fasting"
I nod my head
Pay my respects
And am led away
But part of me says
"No."
I am a dreamer
I am a high hopes believer
I am a fantacizer
And a far stretch reciever
But I am not delusional
And this is not a diary
It is a disorder
So maybe I should stop writing

Long tan legs
Too thick?
Too thin?
Trunks of trees and
Spindles of wildflowers

Curves and contours
Too much or
Not enough?
Trapped in a box
Of a body
While beauty has curves

Suddenly self conscious
Double over
Hands on my skin
Hide me

I'm a two toned picture
One second a lovely
And shapely girl
Then just a box
A shell with too much stomach
And two much thigh
Which is the real me?

You’re loud
And demanding
Sit on my lap then walk away
Knock over the mail and
Laugh at me
You love to make a mess
And sit on my desk
But you refuse
To make yourself at home in my bed
You are strange
Chew on a strand of grass
And stare at the sky
Run my fingers through your hair
Black and soft like velvet
I’ve known you for years
And loved you every one
Brush the back of my hand
Make me smile
You are the best friend
I could ever know
But you will never speak to me
Because you are a cat

Long night of flashing lights
Dark bridges
Your feet and mine
Tangled together
While we pass over wet pavement
Do I miss you yet?
As rain trickles down
Heavenly tears
Wet my face
Wash away my fears
Time is sand
Dripping through my hands
I will sit here awhile before I
Return to you
Meet me at the edge
Of the field where we met
I’ll see you a thousand times again
A thousand quiet touches
Infinitely in your embrace
Feel your hands against my back
Do your fingers ink my skin?
Leave marks on me
Where you used to be
Please become real to me
I don’t want to forget this