i didn't have a single wish to make
at 11:11 today

i would like my flannel back
but i don't know how to ask for it
and i really don't want to talk to you
but in my head i know that means
you've won
in a way i really don't want you to win

can you give me back my copy of Paper Towns
i know you didn't read it, but i don't care anymore
if you read it, maybe you'd love me
or maybe it's the opposite, and maybe if you loved me
you would have read it
but i don't have the time to think like that anymore

what i really want back is the two years i spent on you
treating you like a droplet of tortured heaven
giving you all of me to fill the cracks in your heart
but the real cracks were in your head
for letting me give you everything, and never giving back
you didn't even say thank you

but i'd settle for the book and the flannel

sometimes you gotta bleed to know
that you're alive and have a soul
but it takes someone to come around
to show you how

she's the tear in my heart
i'm alive
she's the tear in my heart
i'm on fire
she's the tear in my heart
take me higher
than i've ever been

the songs on the radio are okay
but my taste in music is your face
and it takes a song to come around
to show you how

she's the tear in my heart
i'm alive
she's the tear in my heart
i'm on fire
she's the tear in my heart
take me higher
than i've ever been
than i've ever been
than i've ever been
than i've ever been

you fell asleep in my car i drove the whole time
but that's okay i'll just avoid the holes so you sleep fine
i'm driving here i sit
cursing my government
for not using my taxes to fill holes with more cement
you fell asleep in my car i drove the whole time
but that's okay i'll just avoid the holes so you sleep fine
i'm driving here i sit
cursing my government
for not using my taxes to fill holes with more cement
sometimes you gotta bleed to know
that you're alive and have a soul
but it takes someone to come around
to show you how

she's the tear in my heart
i'm alive
she's the tear in my heart
i'm on fire
she's the tear in my heart
take me higher
than i've ever been

my heart is my armor
she's the tear in my heart
she's a carver
she's a butcher with a smile
cut me farther
than i've ever been
than i've ever been
than i've ever been
than i've ever been

my heart is my armor
she's the tear in my heart
she's a carver
she's a butcher with a smile
cut me farther
than i've ever been

i don't want to write
i want to bleed out
and water the daffodils with my crimes
i need to be cleansed by fire
and buried in the wet earth of my grief

i cannot breathe without your steady hand
pressing me awake
but i suppose i cannot breathe
when your ribs sit in front of me,
waiting to cracked open

do i reach into your chest cavity
and drink of your secrets?
for they do not fall from those lips i so freely kiss

i have waded through thick fog
with your fingers interlaced with mine
but perhaps i have blindly followed my own demise
holding the hand of a stranger

my mask lies on the floor at your feet
and still you ask me to the masquerade

this is not a castle,
though you were once my queen
jewels are heavy
i hope my broken heart was worth the price
of having the pieces inlaid in your crown

i want someone to notice the way i laugh at the wrong parts of movies
and know what weird thought i had about the scene
to hold my hand and kiss my dimple and write about how witty i am
we can joke about it every time we rewatch it

i want someone to read to me under a fading sky in the wintertime
as our breath curls around our throats and it's hard to keep their voice steady
but the words are pretty, and so are their fingers as they wrap around my hair
sylvia plath for the darker days,
robert frost when the sun starts peeking through

i want someone who will dye my hair in shades of pink and green
our noses curling at the scent of the overwhelming bleach
laughing hysterically as we get high on the fumes and try to be quiet when we hear my mom's footsteps outside the bathroom
i'll cut their bangs choppy to match

i want someone who will sing duets with me to a blown out car stereo
as we drive aimlessly through the nights of this ghost-town-to-be
i'll steal the aux cord more than once, and mess with the windows like a kid
but they'll tolerate it because they like the wind
almost as much as they like me

i want someone to dance with me in the rain like we're in a bad romance novel
and enjoy it anyway because it smells like promises (and i keep those)
we can waltz badly and laugh until it hurts to laugh, and then we'll just sway
i'll splash them with puddles and they'll splash back harder
and we can ditch our clothes and get hypothermia together

maybe one day i'll want them enough to have them

but for now i'll watch movies by myself and still laugh at all the wrong parts, knowing that i'm weirdly clever

i'll read poetry in my own voice under the grey sky cut open by leafless branches, because it's pretty

i'll dye my own hair and cut my own choppy bangs and i'll feel untouchable

i'll scream 'bohemian rhapsody' by myself driving down main street in the middle of the night

and i'll just wait for it to rain so i can catch in my mouth and pretend it was a kiss from the sky

i make these lists in my head
of my ideal partner
and i know that it's not fair or healthy
but i do it anyway

they have to wear jewelry and have their ears pierced
it would be good if they had a sense of anarchy
love of reading is a must, and they'd better read my suggestions
i want someone with a pretty voice
to read me poetry and sing duets with me in the car
speaking of, i'd like them to have a car
because i believe in the inherent romance of the passenger seat
i would steal the aux cord and blast the playlist that they made me

i want to love someone who loves things
who loves to love things
almost as much as i do

they have to love art, and it would be a plus if they made some
because i can't draw for sh*t, but i can look at paintings until i die
i want to go to art museums with them and symphonies and plays
we can sit in the cheapest seats and throw pennies instead of roses

god, i want someone with strong hands
that can hold me and i will just know that they want to
i want to love someone with dyed hair
so i can sit with them between my legs as i reapply the color
and have stains on my fingers for weeks
i want a poet, because i want to be immortalized
in raw phrases in a moleskin journal

but i just haven't met this person yet
i don't know if i ever will

i grow, but not like flowers toward a healing sun
i give up, but not like the kids in calculus
i love, but not enough for you to love me back

my teeth ache from clenching my jaw
my jaw aches from tensing my neck
my neck aches from sleeping on it wrong
my sleep aches from missing you
i miss you because you don't miss me
you don't miss me because i was never yours
i don't know why i was never yours

i wish my house had a basement
i wish this town had a lake

maybe my stories would be better if i could tell them right

i can't connect my thoughts these days.
i can't connect my own pieces together.
my heart is in my arms, holding you
my mind in some far off movie scene,
catching the rain on it's tongue
i gave my lungs away because i don't need them anymore
my blood evaporated on the surface of the moon

and your lips taste like **** and peppermint chapstick
mine taste like ultra violet monster energy and aluminum

but i don't love you, and it isn't poetic