grace

grace Jun 2015

No.

If you want me in your life
you have to make an effort
because right now I see none
and I deserve better

I believed the last 4 people who
said they wouldn't leave me
why should I believe you
you're not any different

I don't give out
6th and 7th second chances
so leave if you'd like
but I won't let you come back

I know I'll die alone
and I'm at peace with that
I just didn't think alone
would come this fast

grace Jun 2015

well ****

I'm afraid because I saw you again for the first time in months
I tried not to think about all the **** you said
all the things you promised
and that month where we were inseparable friends
nothing more; exactly what I needed
I thought it was going fine
we didn't talk to each other the whole time
but then I saw something I can't get out of my head
it's been a week and a few days
and the image of the fresh red lines on your wrists
is burned into my eyelids
and every time I blink
my stomach drops
and when I try to fall asleep
my heart climbs up and lodges itself in my throat
making it so hard to breathe
you did some ****** up things to me
and I'm not someone who can just stop caring
especially when it's you
and when there's nothing I can do
you probably wouldn't listen to me anyway
which is funny because I haven't done anything wrong to you
which is funny because I shouldn't give two ***** about you
but I'm me, so I do
I try to reach you quietly
in a way where you won't know who I am
because I'm not trying to start ****
I just want you to be okay
well ****
why can't you just be safe

why the **** do I care so much jesus christ

#**** #selfharm #herewegoagain

grace Jun 2015

youyou

a year ago
you were probably still calling me baby
and saying goodnight a stupid number of times

+a month
and I was either ignoring your calls
or picking up with a flat monotone voice where there used to be color

somehow
within 365 days our roles reversed
you don't seem to care and I seem to care too **** much

and today
I checked my phone every thirty seconds
and I realized I probably made you feel like this for a long time

and I know now
I don't deserve your kindness
and when you reassure me I do
I can't stop thinking about the fact that I hurt you

It's too late to try again
because now I'm no where near good enough for you
I'd just be another girl you regret and another memory to forget

but I wish I could go back
and tell myself to not let you go
to show myself the ugly person I became when I left

I wish I had
blue hair
your hand to hold
and my innocence again

but all I have
is black
and white
and loneliness and regret
for letting myself become this

I wanted you to talk to me and convince me
you think everything is always in my head
I want you to tell me you aren't going anywhere

over
and over
and over and over
and over and over and over
and over and over and over and over

I want you back
I want myself back
but this is just how it goes sometimes

grace Jun 2015

1~2~3

(you-)
stop making me worry about you
stop doing dangerous things to yourself
when you know I can't be there to stop you
stop making ****** up choices
and being with people who constantly hurt you
you told me to not be her cigarette (she put me out anyways)
but look at the place you're in now
isn't it ironic?
the exact thing we swore would never happen (you swore)
is our reality a month or two later
please stop ruining my life
because I hate that I still care (can't stop)
after you ****** me up
so badly (not recovered yet)

you--
stop being so distant (like I was to you)
stop not caring as much as I do (like I did to you)
why don't you love me like you used to?
why don't you want me like I want you?
why do you make me feel cliche?
it makes me sick to type this part (your part)
and I wish I could shake you
and be completely honest
I want to be who I was
when I was with you
I don't want to be this way (my way)
I want to be your baby
please stop ruining my life
because it's been a year
and I think about you
just as much (it's gross and I feel 13)

you---
stop drinking for ***** sake
I'm not in your life (for the better (but probably not))
I can't babysit you when you're drunk (anymore)
I don't even know what happens to you
and it ******* kills me
how am I supposed to know if you're okay? (are you?)
how am I supposed to know if you're safe? (please be)
I hate that everything blue reminds me of your room
when we were washed in watercolors
with the lights off and your hand on my waist
please stop ruining my life
because now when anyone touches me
I feel numb and I wish it were you

I wish I could clean your wounds
I wish you'd love me like I love you
I wish you'd stop drowning yourself in *****

please stop ruining my life

you, you, and you. maybe you'll know which one is about you, maybe not. ****

#poem #sad #regret #whatever #frustration #**** #longing #moreangst

grace Jun 2015

*shrug*

well ****
I ****** up
I thought too much again
and realized some ****
I'd rather leave unsaid
and writing it down
won't help me forget
but I'd rather have proof
that I'm human
because I feel so alien

I don't know who the **** I am
because I've spent my life
pretending to be someone
for someone else
and someone else
for someone else
and someone else
for someone else
and I guess my mind grew bored
and it got up and walked away
and I was too busy to notice
or call out her name

it's pointless though
(and ****** up I know)
because in the midst of all this faking
I forgot it anyway

#crazy #bpd #dissociation #mentallyill #borderline

grace Jun 2015

messy

everything was going fine
then suddenly everything in my mind
became a mess of cluttered thoughts
and worries
and regrets
and insecurities
and everything I wanted to forget
flooded my head
and overflowed onto everyone in my life
now we're all just soaking wet
and drowning in this *******

angst ft. me

#angst

Jun 2015

galio

cutthroat love

rip out my throat
and rake your claws downs my face
cut at my skin
lean in to me
and remind me that love is just a distraction

do not leave me breathing
do not be weak
drive your knife in to me
until my breath rattles
and my eyes still
and remind me that love is just a illusion

wear my skin like a cloak
my blood staining your mouth like lipstick
wear my words like a crown
and my hands wrapping around you, like a belt
and remind me once last time, that love is just a weakness

inspired by a once upon a time episode.