a year ago
you were probably still calling me baby
and saying goodnight a stupid number of times

+a month
and I was either ignoring your calls
or picking up with a flat monotone voice where there used to be color

somehow
within 365 days our roles reversed
you don't seem to care and I seem to care too **** much

and today
I checked my phone every thirty seconds
and I realized I probably made you feel like this for a long time

and I know now
I don't deserve your kindness
and when you reassure me I do
I can't stop thinking about the fact that I hurt you

It's too late to try again
because now I'm no where near good enough for you
I'd just be another girl you regret and another memory to forget

but I wish I could go back
and tell myself to not let you go
to show myself the ugly person I became when I left

I wish I had
blue hair
your hand to hold
and my innocence again

but all I have
is black
and white
and loneliness and regret
for letting myself become this

I wanted you to talk to me and convince me
you think everything is always in my head
I want you to tell me you aren't going anywhere

over
and over
and over and over
and over and over and over
and over and over and over and over

I want you back
I want myself back
but this is just how it goes sometimes