(You) Think of him often
Like a riddle you solved but forgot how to explain
His name will sit on your tongue
And you'll fumble with your hands to keep from gnashing your teeth
In your eyes, his mouth forms in the shape of your name and forever
They sound similar
You never see past that image
The alarm has long been silent
And the image loops
It will resurface soon enough
This would explain the foundation cream in one hand
And thumb taps in the other
Inconvenience, you think
Is the price you pay
When he exists in any other world
Except yours

Here is my heart
Ravaged from the start
Mark it with ink
Flesh raised; newborn pink
Here's where to strike  
Should things go south
(Not in the way
you wanted him to)

"I am not a good person."

You came with a warning sign
A police line do not cross
Victims sprawled on the street
Entering a war zone
Armed with a limping heart and an idle threat

The moment you opened your mouth, I was a goner.

You set off explosions with a twist of your lips
A razor sharp smile
It all goes down - whiskey smooth
And the white flag goes up.

I never stood a chance.

"I am not a good person," you repeat.
"I know," I say.
"So am I," I leave out.

I found pieces of you on the train home
On an empty road
In the suffocating queue
In the refrain of a priest
I am a piece away from withdrawing the missing person report I filed
I hear you laughing

I'm trying to drown your voice in my head
I suppose I should switch tactics
When everytime I down a shot
It repeats, "Is that all you've got?"

I've seen you
In the corner of my eye
A whisper of a man
A suggestion of a dream gone haywire
I dreamt of tidal waves turning into tsunamis
Challenging skyscrapers and stealing breaths
In blind terror I wish I could hold you
Anchor deep, whiskey sleep
The erratic beating masks the steady breathing
I've seen you at your most vulnerable and loved you for it
Now you're gone and I'm grasping for words
Grasping for threads of conversation
Grasping for the end of the rope
End of the road
Whiskey sour

You said once love shouldn't be forced
Shouldn't be fought for
It should come naturally
So here it goes
The slow decay of laughter
Of happy ever after
Of what comes after

You're away
More times than I can count
And I memorized the square root of pi
I have nothing better to do
Than scratch the days in my arms

"I want you more" you claim,
"Want you more than you do for me."
Blasphemy
If I could I'd pack up my bags and go
Easier said than done
Would you want me when you see me?
Will I live up to the pixels
To the image living in your head
Composed of fragments of dialogue
Puzzle pieces of body parts
I can't put all the blame on you
You are not the villain
Not even the hero
You're the ******
And I'm the willing vein

I can't decide
If I want my hand around your waist
Or around your neck.

Let me be the chill in your bones
Say the word and I
Become the shadow in your step
That moment of doubt
That second look back
That weight in your chest
I would steal your nightmare sheep
And be the only one that counts

My mind supplies
The most morbid, unlikely scenarios
How we meet in a battlefield
Our swords singing
How you're a bank teller with the hand on the panic button
How I have sharp eyes and faster reflexes
How you have a clear shot, you radio in
How I do negotiate ( with terrorists), I reply
How you're the scared boy who wants  his mother
How I'm trying to be a (super) hero.
How you're the one driving to work when they call to say, I'm sorry
How I run across the street when they say, fetch
We end up as a splash of blood on concrete
All this I can imagine
Except
How your hand fits mine
How I
How I
How I
My mind goes blank

"A wanderer's fate,"
you said, "Find the ends of Earth
and leap off the edge."

So what's in a smile
when a muscle twitch can shoot
arrows through my chest.