Again you boil over,
I kick myself for being surprised.
Like clockwork,
The hour changes and you explode.

I dont want to flinch,
Waiting for the rage that comes after the contents of your lap hit the floor,
Your voice ripping through the still air.

I beg you to stop,
I plead to your sensitive side,
So tightly tucked away,
Hoping you will empathise.

You lash out again,
your sadness slipping deeper still,
Anger replacing the vulnerability,
Until that is all that remains.

She said "I'm falling in love."

I said "I'm falling apart."

Your inner voice is who you truly are,
Listen to it,
Trust it,
It's a reflection of your soul.
11/7/2021

I'm so scared,
I'm so alone and tired,
I feel small and defeated.
All I want is you,
I want you holding me like you used to,
The feeling, when I was in your arms like nothing could go wrong,
Nothing could hurt me.
Then again at the time I didn't think the "nothing" would turn into a "no one".
It would turn into a person,
Someone who would push me,
Who would hurt me and,
Who strangled the strength out of me,
The confidance I have worked my whole life to achieve.
I let my will spill and leak from me as I drank,
And drank.
My answers slowly reflected the toxins I was consuming,
Easier to swallow as the night went on.
I feel nothing.
I am nothing.

Come fill me up.
Overflow me with your touch and that look that wordlessly tells me you love me.
I don't need anything but your laugh,
The light sound of your voice in a whisper telling me how much you care.
We can lie forever,
Staring out that cold window,
Our breath foggy in winter air, flowing into your bedroom.
Why did you leave me?
You left me so broken,
Before you, I did not know how whole I could feel,
Now I look for anything to fill the void you left in me.
In the small hours of the night,
Motivated by their hands and liquid courage,
I find someone new.
Every night leads to the same realisation,
that I won't ever see you again.
Every night.
When I go out,
I look for you and all I find are the hands of strangers,
Loving me in place of you.
Filling me up,
Breaking me down for they could never love me as purely as you could.
Feeling me and filling me,
Only for the night.

Please lie to me,
Pretend you love me,
I would cease to exist if you said you said you didn’t want me.
Just string me along with your empty promises,
I live for the excuses and the little white lies that keep me in the dark.
Breaking my heart and taping it back up for next time,
You whispering sweet nothings in my ear so I forgive you,
I love it,
It hurts oh-so good.

I can’t love you here,
But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you.
You think after all the time we’ve been together,
And all the things we’ve done that I don’t have feelings for you?
I have enough feelings to fill a-whole-nother universe,
Galaxies worth of lazy days, lying in bed, smiling,
Planets and moons and suns all covered with homemade breakfasts,
candle lit dinners, and sunday drives in the country.
The abyss of blackness is our nights,
The never ending darkness lit only by my love for you,
By the passion filled evenings and young hours of the morning.

So when you tell me the reason we aren’t together is because i don’t want to be,
That is and never was true,
The reason we aren’t together is because the vastness of space isn’t enough to hold us,
At least not with everyone else.