who am I when I'm with you?
forgetting everything right
for a few good nights

who am I when I'm with you
giving up what I believe
for that greedy primal need

who am I when I'm with you
I don't even have a clue
tomorrow shows no truth

never mind the way you feel
or how perfect this deal
this cannot become real
I still need time to heal.

I want to wake up
to breakfast in bed
and the Sunday papers.

I want you
to look up
from the half-completed crossword puzzle,
watch me lick marmalade
from my fingers
and stir  the sugar in my tea.

Later,
you pin me
to the un-made bed
still wet from the shower
and tell me you love me.

When the stars dont shine

I'll know you're dead

When the grass in the prairies are yellow

I'll know you're dead

When the city lights dont catch my attention anymore

I'll know you're dead

When I dont see anymore blessings

I'll know you're dead

When the sun is the brightest thing I see in sight

I'll know you're dead because you're my light to my dark and cloudy days

When a guitars sound makes me sad everytime I hear it

I'll know you're dead

When I dont have a reason to wake up to

I'll know you're dead

When the night comes and there's no one to say "Goodnight I love you" to

I'll know you're dead

When I write you these poems
And read them to you

Dont be afraid

Because I love you and mean everything in them

You're alive, and God keeps blessing me everyday you're alive

Don't be afraid of anything, because I love you

You're alive

The night isn't so dark after all, and the dark isn't so scary after all

The sun isn't so bright after all

You're alive

The words unsaid are infinite
The words i say are a summary
The words you hear are filtered
The words i hear are my downfall

you've lost interest.
that's okay,
I expected it anyway.
but what I can't understand is,
how can you lose interest in someone you claimed you loved?
was it true love?
or was it infatuation?
whatever it was, I fell for it.

maybe everything that happened in this relationship was a lie.
well I wouldn't know but I assume it was.
so why did you stay so long?
filled my head with lies, knowing you were going to leave me.

but everything happens for a reason, right?
maybe there is a reason we broke apart,
so we could find someone better.

so you've lost interest,
that's okay.
maybe it just wasn't meant to be.
so I guess this is a goodbye.

Goodbye love.

cracked nose &
watching moose beside the river,
on video,
he cocoons himself
in room and drug elementals.
boy pupa.
boy biking thru fog
& urban light.
city mystics, city-wet faces.
primates.

he works the grill and grins
in back. lollipop jar.
he pours grease into trap or teeth of great beast.
bucket cathedral.
corpse of bird,
decomposing in the alleyway ravine.

he packs luggage for the exodus
to northern california.
wicker owl
burning in the woods on a solstice
drunk, or moon.
the fire & the girl & his tongue to her neck.

bathe;
drain the dirt and blood of weekend off
to porcelain.
combed hair.
to appear in the lawn of withered fruit.
he wheels his father to the zoo. the old man
is bent beneath a blanket and tapping his fingers
for elephants.

The heart, full of hatred
Hardened with tarred emotions
It does not beat with rhythm of Love
Discolored beyond recognition
Pumping thick fluid of crass
Across all veins in the body
Paralyzing the mind and the limbs
Finally, hatred suffocates
Unable to breathe the fresh hope
As the body is full of vicious hatred
Asphyxiating the last breath of hope
To revive the chances of Love again
Hatred wins, and the soul, succumbs**



© Amitav (Radiance)