there are some days when i want nothing more than to end everything
those are the days when i should fight more than ever before

Tar*

You tried to undermine
what I was to you,
who you became after
you met me;
I do not believe you were better
before I came into my life.
I know you find it hard to tell the truth
so I can't give you fault
if it kills you to swallow it,

But before you met me,
you were a walking trainwreck,
Coated in insecurities that were
flashing like neon signs
in the way no one had seen
your face in days
because of all the makeup.

How easy it was though
to wipe that facade off
once you realized that even
without coloured in eyebrows,
someone would still truly
care for you.

I truly cared for you,
and the only payback I ever received
were empty promises of
"I'll be there, text me tonight,"
feeling so alone by your side
that even a teacher's drawers
felt like better company,
a knife to my back
when I wasn't there to notice,
and jealousy when I
finally started smiling.

Acetic Acid*

Your effect rapid,
I'm contaminated, coated
in your acetic acid.
You have taught me
to just dip my feet,
not throw my body 
into the void
because the void does not 
always respond lovingly.

You have taught me
I love you is a trapdoor
too many fall in,
I love you is a romantic knife
with teeth,
illuminated by moonlit nights.

And most importantly,
your damage taught me
rapture and love
are *not the same.

getting high
blood shot eyes
alcoholic lies
teenage suicide
sunrise

"you can do what you want with my body"
she said with his hands at her throat
"oh but you cannot touch what is spirit,"
"my life is not yours to be owned"*
all the time it has taken to speak up
and show you the woman I be
has been counted itself a commission
for everything you didn't seek
I will love you today and tomorrow
and look at the past without fear
rebuking the source of your anger
with all that I have while I'm here
see, my mother and father are with me
in Truth and in Spirit and flesh
and today I am stronger than ever
for you and for me and for them

a dream where i didn't know the color of your eyes

forgive me--
i am still coming home to myself
still sorting through the darkest parts.
some days i seem wild, restless,
and you may not understand me.
some days i am afraid to move, to live,
and it may be hard to love me.
remember i too am still learning to love
the pieces that don't fit together,
the cracks in me that aren't filled with gold.
on days when i cannot smile,
forgive me.