I am a liar
I told her I loved her
so as not to start a fire
but now that she's heard it
I must say it again
if I said "I love you" 7 times
I have lied 7 times
I don't even know how many lies I've told
even though the context of every one is the same:
I love you
this made a new truth in me
a truth I tell myself as often as I tell her a lie:
I hate myself
now that feels much better
the twisted honesty of it restores me
so that I look for a reason to say it again
I love you
I am a liar
I hate myself

you’re standing in front of the mirror
that’s still foggy from the steam from the shower

that’s been running for almost 48 minutes
and you can’t seem to pull away

your hair’s unwashed and your skin is sickly and pale
you can’t even look yourself in the eye

you run your hands down your face
feeling the bruising around your eyes

you run your hands down your throat
feeling the burns the rope left behind

you run your hands down your chest
feeling the skin that will never look the same as before

you run your hands down your legs
feeling the ghosts of hands clawing at you

when you look back into the mirror
you don’t recognise the woman staring back

you're the empty shell of a woman
who lost the war

I want to eat ambrosia
from your fingertips.

I want to lick the wine
from your lips.

I want to **** the nectar
from your veins.

ingredients | serves: 1

three nights spent in a haze wrapped around each other before the fog lifted and clarity chased the glow away
five soft smiles that were lost in the limbo between want and need
two hundred and eighty four barely-there, feather-light caresses, stolen while they were asleep
two sets of heartbeats in sync with each other
one hundred and twelve sweet nothings whispered under the safety net of darkness
one song sung to you as they nursed you back to health, already stripped and chopped
four cups of air you’ve breathed into each other
seventy two fleeting moments in which you looked up at their face and you felt your stomach churn
four tablespoons of the sweat that dripped from your bodies and seeped into the sheets that first night you touched
two willing bodies
one heart

directions | preparation: 8 months

step one

gather one of the two bodies and prop it up against the wooden chair.

step two**

grab the remaining body and lean it against the doorway.

step three

don’t say anything. don’t break the spell. don’t ruin the recipe. you only have one chance at this.

step four

set the temperature to slow burn for three weeks and let it simmer.

step five

once you feel the fire in your veins hot enough to melt glass, the burning in your fingers strong enough to leave a mark, and the bubble in your throat threatening to burst, imagine yourself in a block of ice and swallow up the words that try to slip past your lips. i love you. note: do not let them out.

step six

finely crush the seventy two moments where your stomach had a mind of its own. do not let it show. you can’t afford to waste those moments.

step seven

mix in the the barely-there caresses and for each lost smile, stir for an additional week, because that’s how long you’ll be thinking of them before you even realise how much space they’ve taken up inside your mind.

step eight

pour the cups of the air you’ve shared into a blender for three nights, then mix in the sweat, and place in the fridge to chill. never let them thaw. do not hurt yourself by reminiscing.

step nine

place the heart in your hands and squeeze and squeeze and squeeze until the blood spills onto the broken chopping board that is your rib cage and then throw it away. an empty heart serves no purpose.

step ten

say your prayers and hope for the best.
you wanted a love potion, didn’t you?
you’re in luck, this will only cost your soul.

We creep through the forest carefully so as not to make a sound
The beast lifts it's enormous scaled head, looks left and right and goes back to its slumber
To his death are our fates bound
Confident that we'll slay him with a superior number

The thief flanks the beast to the right
The chevalier to the left
Together with 2 masters of elements we will eradicate this blight
With our weapons poised and ready to strike this beast we will best

The fight is long and gruelling with advantages going both ways
With horror I see my companions succumb to their fate
My friends sacrifices shall not go to waste
Only the beast's death will my wrath be slaked

Finally I see the beast flagging as I cast spell after spell
When suddenly I realized that my body has lost its power of motion
With a great big roar, a fatal blow I was dealt
Flaws in my abilities has the beast proven

I look at my hands and watch in horror as the lack of light signifies death
"Aargh" I screamed and the wife runs in looking at me with concern
"My controller's battery has died" I cry in distress
"And I forgot to save my game for the past 2 hours! There goes my progress totally burnt! "

She was wild like skinny dipping at midnight, stars watching overhead and falling in love with moonlight. The way it lay upon her skin made the ocean envious of her depths within and sometimes between us. She was my sister, not in blood but in orbit. A Venus to my Earth, forged from the same collapsing star and if the universe was in fact to be infinite then this moment would happen again, and again, and again an immeasurable number of times. I found comfort in this thought, knowing though our existence was meaningless, it was still full of feeling, and this feeling, right now, it insisted on existing forever.