maybe my biggest mistake
was never learning how
to regret you

in the end,
we're all
reduced
to
                                                                                
                                                                           *"time of death"

Maybe one day
I'll reflect back
on this Spring day
with a chuckle
or a smirk.

But not today.

For today you demanded
your freedom...

and sent me away.

I wonder if you’d want to know
I named all of my demons after you and
they haunt me in my sleep

when I was 14 I fell asleep in April and dreamed of bones and
I’m not sure I’ve really ever woken up since

when I lost 5 pounds I never saw a difference

when I lost 10 my mother said I was looking good

when I lost 20 she told me to stop and handed me food
and I became anemic

when I lost 25 I stopped drinking anything because
I felt water had calories

when I lost 30 my mother held me on her lap
and held my bones together for me

when I lost 35 I started fainting every morning and
the doctors could no longer easily find my blood pressure

when I lost 40 people started to stare and food made me cry

when I lost 45 it hurt to walk and to lay down
it hurt to eat
it hurt to breathe and
I started throwing up my empty stomach

the mind plays tricks on those that decide
nourishment is not needed

Eat.

"I wish you well."
                                                          ­                    



                                         ­                                     (but not too well without me)