Heavy weight on top of me
Icy
falling asleep
Eyes weak and droopy
Body in cement
Paralyzed
My spirit floating on top of my lifeless body,
Death is that you?
Why must you come and visit me but never take me to your home?
And yet you won’t let me leave
I want to let go but it seems you have me entranced by your numbness,
I want to be light as air,
Not heavy like a boulder.
I want my spirit back
Why did you take it away from me
Why did you take the vibrancy
Why did you take my eyes to see
Let me go or take me with you

Sitting outside on this frigid autumn morning,
Everything slowly waking up around me.
Few birds sing,
My mind only consumed with the river’s voice,
Loud, but calming.
The water rushing through river allowing me to think clearly,
Drowning out the business of everyday life.
A sense of relief I didn’t know I needed.

I take everything in,
Noticing everywhere around me,
The ground is being hugged by the impersonator of snow.
Being hugged by a relative that they don’t know,
they say they’ve known you since you were born,  
The crystals cover everything on the ground,
Not the trees and rocks,
They go unharmed.
The impersonator likes to play games,
Freeze,
The grass hunted in the game of freeze tag
Running with the wind but they caught them.
Frozen in time,
encasing them,
Trapping them in their spot.
The morning continues,
the grass waits patiently,
Waiting for their teammate to thaw them,

I want to be tagged,
To be still,    
Why is it that everyone wants to be in the current of the river?
Running from one thing to another,
constantly flowing until the end of time.
Is that what success means?
To be busy,
To have no time for anyone or even yourself,

Stop,
Freeze,
Breathe,
You’ve been tagged,
Let the river take your worries with them while you stand still
Don’t let the current drift you away.

Observe,
Who needs to be tagged?
Return the favor,
Come back for me,
I’ll be in the current.

I’m in a body that I don’t own,
I want the body to feel like home,
But I don’t even know what home it is,
Everything I think my home is,
It’s leaves,
Gets destroyed,
Withers,
Wilts,
Doesn’t give warmth like a summer’s top in the winter.
Desperate I create painful designs hoping,
Wishing,
Pleading,
That my soul will seep through and find a home.
A home where it’s wanted,
Loved,
Accepted.

I am a prisoner,
A criminal,
in the prison that I created in my head to keep me safe.

I was a guard,
I was in control,
But I made too many mistakes and became a criminal.
A criminal that gets told what to do
Wake up,
Eat,
Work,
Eat,
Work,
Sleep,
Everyday,
Nothing different.

I’ve lost control,
The villain, Fear and Anxiety, have won,
They control everything,
Creating too many rules,
Don’t say anything,
Say something,
Don’t say that,
Say something different,
Don’t eat that,
Stop eating,
Wear this,
Don’t wear that,
Don’t go out in public,
I can’t follow all of them,
Overwhelmed,
Increased heart rate,
Can’t breathe,
Help me escape,
behind bars no one can really help me,
They don’t see
see the uniform that I’m forced to wear,
see the metal bolted to my mouth to keep me from talking.

I’m scared to break the rules,
They keep me on a pedestal for them to laugh at me while I try,
For their enjoyment,
Forcing me into opposite directions,
Pulling me apart,
Piece by piece,
Until there’s nothing left.

I am blank.
My mind is blank.
A sheet of white paper,
No color,
No texture,
No folds.

So much potential, but no one knows what to do with me.
I don’t even know what to do myself.
My love,
My everything,
He tells me I can do whatever I want.
I have no ideas,
No creativity.
I’m scared to mess up,
To mess everything up,
My life,
My future,
My relationships.

I am blank.
My mind is blank.
A sheet of white paper.
One shade,
Everything is one,
My thoughts are one.
I don’t know what’s real and what’s not,
One shade,
Blending together.
No difference between one thought or memory front the other.

Help,
I am blank.
My mind is blank.
A sheet of white paper.
What do i do?
I want to feel,
I want to be normal again.
Help

A lake smooth as glass
projecting a perfect reflection of the surrounding beauty.
I look towards the mirror,
Seeing strange but familiar face,
But I see the mask she wears.
I see the hurt,
The pain,
The everyday struggles she wears like a heavy jacket.
Afraid to let go,
Afraid of the cold fear brings.

I reach out,
Hesitant,
Not knowing the temperature if the water,
But I cup my hands and scoop the water.
the water seeps through the small gaps in my hands.
I look back.
I don’t see her anymore,
I see a distorted face that I don’t recognize,
Broken,
Shattered,
Waiting,
Watching,
Hoping for the water to settle,
Just for Mother Nature to confuse the perfect reflection.