I dreamt of who I expected you to be last night
I woke up with you on my mind, when you picked me up
and we landed with a thud on your bed and we laughed
Like children and you tickled me and we kissed

And we were something then
But it was just the idea of you, friend.
Can I even call you that?
We don't speak anymore.
If we'd never met I wouldn't even know you existed,
we do not cross paths

I'm sorry I hurt you and I'm sorry you have a sad story to tell
people when you meet them even if you don't mention me at all
But I had to do something for myself and
Maybe it was just bad timing and
Maybe it didn't have to be you but
It was and I wish the idea of you I have inside my head was real.

But figments often play games with me and guide my hand down
a dark-lit path until I feel the familiar sense of disappointment

But I'm playing our song on repeat as I get ready and
it's one of the warmest days it's been in a while and
I wonder if you're working today or if you're at the beach and

Just know you're on my mind today
I'm sorry

I'm having trouble sleeping tonight
Although it's technically morning
And I know that if we still spoke,
I would be calling you up right about now.

It is times like these, small moments
Alone in the dark with the patter of
Rain droplets and the smell of wet earth,
Faint sounds of cars passing, going.

Times like these that I feel alone
And think of you and how we took
What we had for granted and how
I miss our friendship but I shouldn't.

If we still understood one another,
If we were both aligned like we once were,
I'd call you up, to hear your deep voice
Despite the sound of his in my ear,

Saying "I've missed you, I like you,
I'm crazy about you."
And I would ask, "How are you really doing?
What did you think about today?

Where does the sun really go when it turns dark?
Are you afraid? What do you long for?
How many inches in a mile?
What's your fondest memory?"

I would tell you I wanted to stay up until dawn
To talk with you, to listen to you.
And I wouldn't be disinhibited by drinks, no.
I would be sober and loving and kind and sorry.

But we do not speak the same language anymore,
We do not speak at all.
You are a memory, the time spent with you blurs
Into one collaborative thought and then you're gone.

I think you're awake right now.
Either at home in the dark by yourself
Or with friends talking about concepts
Bigger than you or I could ever be

And maybe, at 2 o'clock this rainy Sunday morning,
A blurred thought of me passes through your mind
And you feel a wave of all emotions, like I do now.
And you think of me, and nothing is wrong.

He’s so satisfied with this life,
I’m envious.
It’s like he’s got it all figured out:
How to live in peace with himself,
With everyone around him.
That love is a feeling
One that should be universal,
And not an object
Or person.

He is not seeking out a lover
He is not seeking to be rich and famous.
He may not be seeking anything, actually.
Except maybe adventure.

That is so admirable
And quite incredible if you ask me.
An evolutionary living in a primitive world.
I wonder if he’s lonely
Or feels that no one can relate.
I wish i could talk with him forever
Let him tell me all the things he knows
As I sit there in awe.
But I no longer have that luxury; that privilege.

Come taste the residue of beer on my tongue, love.
Feel the final days of December cold falling away
Mix your legs with mine beneath my sheets
We don't have to do anything, love.
Especially not what we're told.
There's a new year brewing, are you ready?
Nothing will change, it'll all feel the same,
But it gives the impression that a fresh start is inevitable
Oh I hope that's true
I'd start it off with you

You are the warmest day in February.
The smell of freshly-made coffee.
You are the strongest embrace
With the gentlest touch.

Your blue-green eyes are my favorite color
Your smile is the supernova of stars
I don't really know what that thing is
That thing that makes me think of you so often

It's somewhere deep within you
And I'm an addict for it
I crave it
Crave you.

Longing for you is the same as
Wanting a cigarette though I'd never smoked before
And there aren't butterflies in my stomach
When I see you

No,
They are large-winged creatures
That fill the entirety of my rib cage
And make me spill thoughts out of my mouth like running water.

You are every analogy I could ever hope to write
Every symbolic thing or place or idea
And they're just meaningless nouns
In your presence

You are all and everything
All at once
Every minute of every day
Every thought I've ever had has been laced with you.

I'm sorry, Mom,
for all the bad decisions
I keep making here.

I tell myself it's because
I'm young, and wild,
like I'm invincible.

That 5 year-old me
Who knows nothing
Can hurt me

Still resides somewhere
Deep down and I can't
Seem to give her up.

I'm sorry, Dad,
For all the wrong boys
I'v let touch me and whom

I've let get inside my head.
I was supposed to be smarter
But my intense need for

Numbness got the better of me.
And you know, I've got a good
One now who treats me right

And I think I'll keep him, if
He'll have me. Though I know
You'd say there isn't anyone

In this whole wide world,
Who wouldn't want to.
For that I thank you.

So Mom, Dad, I'm sorry.
The boys and the drinks
And the drugs and the

Lost thoughts that I've
Seemed to overcome,
I apologize for.

I know these bad decisions
Aren't really me, they just
Pass my time.

But I want you to know
That things are okay now
And that I'm finding myself

After spending so much
Time being lost and afraid
Of the world.

This is my thank-you,
My "I'm so grateful
For parents like you."

For steering me in the
Right directions and
Always being my steady,
My safety, and my Solace.

I'm so terrified
That I will never
Be satisfied
With where I end up
In life.

The place,
The occupation,
The love interest.
All of it
Or any

The truth is,
I could be anywhere.
I could take off
In an instant
Yet here I am.

Sitting once again
In the cold of my car
In the commuter lot
Two minutes from home.
Home

Home is a feeling
Not a place.
And if I'm always at war
Inside my head,
Will I ever feel it?

Will I ever be able
To run from myself?
Or will I kid myself
Into thinking that
Mileage will destroy
All of my problems?

If this salty sea air
Was CO2
I would lie down
On these shells and sand
And take long, deep breaths
Until I slowly fell asleep

Oh ****, my fingers ache
I miss those ivory keys,
Longing for the infusion of
My overwhelming emotion
Into varying melodies
Soft to the touch and sweet to the ear
That's where I did a lot of thinking;
A lot of releasing.
The music in me,
Like a raging fire,
Cannot be contained.
It spills and slips out
In shower serenades and
Classical pianist love ballads
I pour out my soul in the
Humming of tunes and
Strumming of the six-string.
I miss all eighty-eight of those
Confidants and confederates.

I no longer ache for you
I don't even think I really miss you anymore.
There are achingly sad songs
That make my heart a little sore
But I've moved on from you.

There will always be happier songs
That remind me of what I haven't yet given up
And I don't know if you're being spiteful,
Bitter, Angry, Sad, Corrupt,
But "we" does not exist anymore.

"We" ceased to exist when you lied;
When you could not make good decisions for yourself
Before even fathoming making good ones for me.
I do wish you the best, sincerely.
But please, live life without me.

I rest my head on my arm,
The watch ticks in my ear,
Those blue skies made
An appearance yesterday,
But all is gray now.

I loathe days like today.
Where the overcast and bitter cold
Remind you of your failed relations
With boys who pretend they never cared

And all of the repressed
Memories of bad days and
Petty fights and being in
Uncomfortable situations flood you.

Back when you were messed up
And didn't have it under control,
Not like you do now.
When you ran every chance that you got.

And I may sound angry or resentful
But this is just part of the reason why
I need to leave this godforsaken place
These godforsaken skies

The air is different somewhere else
And it does not carry with it the past
To gently breeze across your face and
Force you to remember.

Sometimes I wonder
If this yearning for some sustainable love
Is just a facade; a decoy.

Maybe what I'm really in love with
Is the going back-and-forth in my mind
The continual restlessness and idea that there is something more

Maybe my mind is my own true love
Maybe I am my own soulmate.
Convinced I'm supposed to be looking for some person
When I'm supposed to be looking for myself

Kiss me through this window pane
And tell me you love me
Though I cannot hear you

Pick a raindrop and watch it fall
Let out a breath and again inhale
The sweet and toxic air

Stand up tall and straight
When you walk away from me
So our dignities are upheld

And don't miss me or mourn
Don't get sad, not angry
Don't let a thread of thought

Of me collapse into your
Guarded mind
For I will destroy you

I love how
The taste of vanilla lattes
And the cool breeze after it rains
And my bare legs against warm sheets
Remind me of you,
And the softness of your lips
And the comfort of your embrace
The strength in your arms and the
life in your eyes
And all at once my bones ache for
yours once more
And my lips feel numb and untouched
And I remember how long it has been
Since I have seen you

Once safe inside my car
I kind of just sat there.
I listened to the steady rain make
contact with the metal roof
Saw the droplets glide down the
windshield
I felt the cool of the night on my
ankles and then seemingly
everywhere as it crept up me and
sent shivers to every cell.
It was just met again
Alone. Lonely.
I wasn't surprised, no, just met with
the same disappointment as usual.

Thunder.
Police lights down the street.
The after taste of coffee on my
breath
I missed you. I missed a lot of people.

The rain  picked up.
"I should start the car and go home."

And all this time you were so convinced
That he was the one
Because you were so comfortable with him.
But what if you were wrong?

You're young and beautiful and sweet
And people, they fall for you.

But you're so afraid to let go
To let yourself find something new
And potentially dangerous,
You're stuck inside your own pretty little head

But it's out there, what you're looking for
And as much as you want it to be him

You must accept possibility.
The possibility that you mistook comfort for love
Friendship for romance
That there, in fact, wasn't more than met the eye.

But now you begin to realize,
And now things will begin to change.

Do you remember when
I knew I could have the world
And you knew that you could fly
How we knew just about everything?

Do you remember when hugs
And bandaids and forehead kisses,
Chocolate candies, plastic flowers
And sweet hushes could fix anything?

Do you remember when we
Were invincible and unstoppable,
We were the superheroes and super
Villains and we wrote the story?

Do you remember when those feelings
Faded like those plastic flowers
And our words fell like the petals
That never were

And how we wondered
If we ever were
As well

It's at 6:30 in the morning,
When the sky is just waking,
Pale blues and yellows and
The touch of peach on the horizon

When I wake for no good reason
And stare out at the sky, admiring.
And I look down at you next to me
Breathing softly and sweetly in sleep.

It is then that I wish, should you stir,
Turning over to see me, that
You had something stunningly beautiful
To see when you wake as well.

Some face that makes you catch breath
For a moment, and your eyes become
Fixated.
A perfect complexion, perhaps.
Rosey, defined lips just the perfect shape.

If I had deep ocean eyes or ones
Of solid gold.
Maybe the perfect amount of scattered freckles.
A straight, modest nose. Impeccable brows.
Soft, silky smooth hair that always looks done, even when it's not.

I wish I had these things to offer
At 6:30 in the morning.
In those brief shared moments
Before we return to sleep.

They say beauty is relative,
It is about "perspective."
And though you may think I'm something special,
My perspective is one who feels she owes something more
To the man who deserves the world.

There must be a list
Of those certain songs
I haven't listened to in months,
Not since summer
When I drove through the heat
My windows down
Toward the coast
Toward you.

Some are love songs
Some are sad songs
Some are both;
They're all a little bit ruined
Now that I remember how
I felt when I heard them
When you meant something
And before I learned.

I've gotten past you
But these silly songs
They don't help.
I know they're just words
And a melody,
A catchy beat,
Sound waves.
But they don't change what happened

I've been thinking about you a lot lately
The way your smile curves
How your eyes light up
The tenderness of your voice

I think about your words and wisdoms
Your love of life
Your passion

I think about the friend I had in you

But you're not the one who holds me at night now, are you?
You're not the one who says "I love you" and receives it in return
You are not he, he is not you.

Vacate the space behind my brain and stop trying to compete with the new.

Ghosts don't win battles against bodies.

I drink in hopes of stopping my thought process,
Or at least slowing it down.
In hopes of forgetting your name
In the abyss in which I drown.

If my tears taste like blood am I doing it wrong
Not too sure what's happening because I thought I was happy

Give me your word and stay with me tonight
We don't have to do much
Just look at the stars with me and let me tell you about how I want to be one

Imagine we can float up into the navy sky and have people look to us for guidance and admire our beauty

I was once a hopeless soul
Wandering lost and I'm not saying I'm found
But I've gotten onto a path I'm trying not to stray from

I want to live up to your expectations of being the best thing that's ever happened to you
Because that's what you are to me and darling you deserve all of the worlds in every universe

But I am different and difficult to love and I'm not sure what's wrong exactly but you can't get me outside of my head and that's what I really need

Don't fret over failure though darling because it's simply impossible
I just want you to know you've come the closest out of all of them

I just have a feeling I'm not supposed to be here and that I'll never feel at home and this skin will never fit quite right and this voice will never quite sound the same and I'll never be able to love you like I want to because I am a flawed system and

Darling
You are everything I've always dreamed of
Every wish that could've been granted
Because I've wished for impossible things as well
And you do seem so impossible
Improbable
Yet you are here and my happy place exists inside your bones and those strong arms of yours

I'm sorry if I stare at you often
I'm probably just trying to make sure you're still there
And I'm so in love with your face and skin and laugh and entirety and I love you from the whites of your eyes to the souls of your feet and every inch in between

I listen to your song because that is my religion and you're the only faith I've got in this world and I'm sorry for how I act sometimes I don't even know myself but you are the brightest light and most comforting night and I'd like to spend the rest of my days with you

You did nothing wrong and
I should've said goodnight
It's just been a long week, month, and I'm worn down from fighting so I don't fall back into that place I used to be in

And I know you don't really understand
Truth be told neither do I
And I wonder if I should try to explain or let the pieces fall where they may
You deserve truth but you deserve no burden

Maybe I can climb back on my own and brush the dust off my shoulders and stand taller and smile brighter and maybe it'll stay

Maybe we'll make a little money and something of ourselves and get out of this town that I hate but you don't mind

See the thing is I'm desperate to run because I think that will solve my problems but I read somewhere that you can't run away from what's inside your head and it's true but has anyone really tried because you know how determined I can be

Maybe it won't fix anything or maybe it will fix a lot

But all I know is I have to see some of this world and some of these people and
I have to live and not walk in circles on Main Street and come back to a house that I can't sleep in because the memories keep me up at night and I've befriended the dark and whatever is under my bed

Forgive me darling I know you'll never see this but I had to say it somehow and I'll go to sleep and talk to you in the morning and we'll go right back to being big dreamers and lovers of all sorts and I'll forget for a while that anything was even wrong in the first place

Tomorrow is April,
but this morning
we were greeted with snowfall.

And all I could think was,
"Like Winter, we all give one last go
in hopes of not fading away."

Couldn’t sleep so I got dressed and went outside and puffed on a cigarette and saw this cute lil bunny hop right by me and I wondered why the lil guy was awake and I guess he didn’t really mind me standing there in the shadows but the air was clear and you could see the stars so easily and I could hear birds chirping and wondered why they were awake as well but then realized I could ask myself the same question and I know I shouldn’t have smoked but I justify it by saying it was only a couple puffs and maybe I’ll get some sleep now and dream about pleasant things and not old memories

Today I discovered a band that has been forgotten, I think.
They tell stories without speaking, letting instruments
Convey emotion, and you know, there is some
Chemical reaction within my brain
(Or maybe it's just coincidence)
Some neural message carrying memories inside it like a postman
Delivering that savory deliverance
Of past loves and present friends
Of this thawing March
Of this past Winter
It was bitter cold, kind of like how you hung up on me,
Kind of like how he cut me off,
Kind of like how I wish I was,
But know I never can be
I'm too warm
I drink in that sunshine like it's the smoothest whiskey ever created
It radiates through me from the inside-out and makes me smile
When it beams upon my skin, there is no better feeling
Because your lips were soft, but not the softest
And his arms were strong, but not strongest
Old friends, they were good and fun, but they will never be the best
I crave that dry, warm air and those blue, blue skies
Blue kind of like his eyes, the one who is now
And who knows where it will go
But I'm along for the ride
This life is all about loving and learning and letting go
I love every fiber of it, I soak it all in and I hope
Those whom I have met can do the same
Because there is so much to love
So much to be thankful for

And baby,
No. You're not my baby..
But you once were

Baby, I'm listening to these
Songs and this man's voice
Speaking of mind-numbing
Drugs and pills and poisons.

His tone is smooth and light
Like those summer breezes
When I didn't mind your company

And I listen to these songs and
Flash back to cold winter days
When I drove out to see you,

Stranger. Bachelor. Uncharted Man.

That air was cold and heavy
But you greeted me with warmth
Or maybe just ****** reaction

And I threw my inhibitions to the
Ground before you and let you
Step over them to reach to me

And you brought me into those
Deceitful and welcoming arms
And I wasted my winter days
With you, Bachelor,

trying to be untamed

I wish I had a way with words
Like you have a way with
Making me feel more than complete.
Over-capacitated
With emotion and thought.
But my words are just words
Average and insignificant
Bits and pieces of the alphabet
Put together
That sound so wondrous
When you string them together
And speak