and yes i do feel betrayed

betrayed by my body
my mind
my hands
my clothes

lust is an awful sin to get involved in

i wanna stand on the pier with her
staring out at the lake
and i wanna push her in
and then jump in behind her
she’s short
and she’s barely tall enough
for her mouth
to be above the water
i wanna hold her
her legs around my waist
and kiss her
while counting her freckles
i want to look out at the lake
look out at this town
with all the people who would stone us
and let them see us
i just wanna kiss her

god made me to be forgotten
he made me to be unloved
to be left out

god made me lose faith in him
he made me to suffer
to be alone

if god made us
why did he make me like this

will you keep on
loving me
after you realize
hating me
is easier?

my sister’s cat died in my arms.

my sister’s cat,
who she never fed.
who she never snuggled.
who she never loved.

my sister’s cat,
who i fed.
who i snuggled.
who i loved.

i didn’t cry.
i didn’t mourn her.

but my sister
she sobbed.
she grieved.

is this not the way of the caregiver?

caring until the time to care is over?

and leaving the owner to mourn?

i know how it works
teens wanna **** and get ******
whatever the term
railed
ruined
destroyed
demolished
all the violent words
for s-e-x
we never say that one
that’s too deep
too personal
it’s better to think of the taker
as a filthy *****
there’s no love there
there’s no strings
they’re just a hole

when i get crushed by a semi
when i slit my wrists to ****** pulp
when i get shot in the head
when i fall asleep on the tracks
when the smoke settles in my lungs
when the rope tightens around my neck

are they gonna miss me?
are they gonna kiss my grave and cry?
will they talk about me?
or will i fade into oblivion
with the rest of the dead kids
with the ****** victims
and victims of their own head

i’m sorry
that i miss you
when i don’t talk to you
for a while
i’m clingy
i know
but if you knew
what ****
i’ve been through
you’d be clingy too

you love to make me cry
to make me crawl in bed
for four days straight
and hope that i die

you’re like a **** noose,
always tryna get me to hang
but then i show up,
and you act like i’m no one to nothing

if there was a dictionary definition
of a sadist
it would be you
your name would be right there

because you ******* ******* love
to see me break down and beg
and then you kiss me
like my running mascara is the hottest thing
that you’ve ever seen.

my hair catches the light
it turns golden
like midas put his hands on it
a heavenly glow sets itself behind me
as if i was sent from above
even though there isn’t one
and if there was
i’d be the one
crawling my way from below.

i don’t wanna let myself speak
there’s honey in my mouth
and i don’t want it to leak
i wanna let it drip on my lap
that sticky sticky sap
just let it fall onto my jeans
because i hate the taste of honey
but i have to keep it in
because no one else
knows about the honey behind my teeth
it’s all sin
my thoughts and my words
every time i start to talk
the words walk
on their own
i don’t even get to stop them
and before i know it
it’s overdone
and everyone is mad
so i’m just gonna sit here
and keep my mouth filled
with honey.

one day
someone will text me back
before it happens
and that’s the day i’ll stop

you ditched me like a rotten berry;
like a brown banana.
you could’ve made bread out of me,
but i guess that’s too hard for you.
you can’t be bothered to waste
your flour and sugar
on something old.

i’m glad
you want to take things
slow
i just have
never been loved
like this before.

i’m seen as a body
as pretty words and
lustful thoughts

it’s been a long time
since anyone
saw me
for me
like you do

in the assembly line
that is my existence,
i am the metaphorical conveyor belt.
people create something
and place
it on my body,
then it passes to another
and this goes on and on
until i am covered in millions
of creations
made by others

they ignore you
when you ask for help
then wonder
what ever happened to you

i’m going to be a sinner if sinning is
painting a nursery
while my belly swelled

i’m going to be a sinner if sinning is
walking down the aisle
while wearing a million mile dress

i’m going to be a sinner if sinning is
having him hold me in his arms
while watching the stars

but oh god,
i’m gonna be a saint if to be a saint is
letting him destroy my body
while telling him i love him

i’m sorry
for being the freak
your parents warned you about

am i too smart to be loved?
do you find me intimidating?
should i play the dumb blonde?
the ditzy *****?
the naive child?
is that the only way
i’ll find love?