I've never quite understood first dates
why dinner and a movie was standard  issue
like you can actually get to know someone
by sitting in a dark crowded room

A blanket of white silences the town
like everyone is laying in a comforter of down
as if it is night
yet, it is day and it is bright
The snow flakes fall gently
like children fall asleep

A dog on a leash is led by its owner
and only by being aggressive can it be freed
As a dog, I am on your leash
you drag me behind and I try to please
I'm there for you when you need me
but you always leave
I cannot run
that would mean to hurt you
I have too big a heart
to put you what you put me through

my mother once told me
                you're too nice
you told me
               stand up
my father told me
               grow a backbone
                                            
I can now assure you I am a vertebrate
that I can stand on my own two feet
I can face my foes with dignity
and here I am standing in front of you

Because my sister once told me
               treat ***** like ***** treat you

you told me to defend myself
and this is my defense:

I've bit my tongue so long it bled
I've listened to your preach
your time is up, shut up!

It's time for me to speak.

I've heard the rumors about you
but i never thought they were true
never thought you were a complete...
never thought you'd treat me like trash

1 ripple, 2 ripple,3-
thousand yards of straight swimming
water and waves
work outs seem to last for days
races short as nights

As if you knew,
in the slightest what others went through?
who is to say his smile is not a mask,
her life is not a cry?

He, he goes home everyday to a broken home
where he tends to broken bones
up till four every night
doing homework, going to work
but in school the smile is the only thing in sight

and she, she is the captain of the soccer team
a never wavering laugh
but when she goes home,
her arm is patterned in complex lattice
an intricate pattern of pain and sorrow

her laugh never fails to light a room
his smile lifts people from their gloom

I can be tired too
I am in fact human
I do indeed feel sleepiness
I do indeed feel sorrow
but why dwell on sorrow if we are not promised tomarow

Cool beans, bonkers, groovy
some say i'm an old lady stuck in youth
I'm okay with that
Judy Garland's singing in the rain is my tune
so what if I'm stuck in youth?
I have new ideas
new views on the world elders wouldn't agree with
I'd be shun by some
so perhaps I'm not a Hip old lady trapped in youth
I'm a reformed old lady stuck in the good times

putting on a mask of happy and excited
all the time, never being tired
because it would confuse people
but, it's exhausting
always acting like you have triple the energy you do
having to always be the one who pushes people
the trains out of fuel to the top f the mountain
to be the bright optimistic one in a sea of pessimism
its tiring, its draining
but its what we people must do
because no one else will
because they have not seen their darkest lows
and had to be their own bright light at the end of the tunnel
a light people follow

i do not plan to go down
but if i shall fall
i will not go down with out a fight
i do not choose many battles
but those i do i fight till the end
i will go up in flames
or come out victorious
either way i will stick with my army
through bullets and flames till the end

I must be confused
because I never thought I'd see you again
I gave up long ago, I've let it go
and here you are
the past has caught up
because your here, standing right in front of me
and I see it in your eyes that you recognize me
but your not quite sure how, why
How could you not remember?
the Saturday swims, Trampoline tricks
Friday night Family movie
the long Tuesday nights a the studio?
How could you not remember?
we called ourselves sisters

cabinet doors left open
cake mix on the counter
a board game half finished
family portraits hang on the wall
laundry folded in neat piles to be put away
everything is still, silent
not a breath, nor a soul
like everyone just vanished
their laughter hangs in the air
like the portraits on the walls
their shadows still strewn across the floor
but nobody's home

A man's intelligence is not measured by the number of words knows
but he uses them

the light in which we see ourselves is dimmer than the light in which we are seen

this is all new to me
i'm clueless... i'm confused
I've never felt like this before
this feeling of more, more, more
but it comes so naturally to you
you know exactly what to do
while i'm frozen in a moment of clueless and confused

people assume that between us that i'm the one with poetic words
words that make your heart melt and flutter

but, we know other wise
that i'm the one who gets tongue tied
who searches for words
ends up saying something that sounds more like alphabet soup
than, something witty and cute
because that's what you do to me
make my head spin, my thoughts trip and fall
make my heart flutter, make me turn red
the things you say that mess with my  head
in the very best way

throwing yourself at the wind,

losing yourself in moment

the reason you bang your head on the wall
because that last movement ruined it all
the reason she left you, the reason you left him
or
the reason you haven't
the last thing you said spur of the moment
made them stop, made them listen
the thing you did last second
makes them think
the pause before going out the door
the impulse to slam it

I listen to conversations we have
well, conversation that you guys have and I  listen to
We stand in circles and chat back stage
well, actually, I'm more of a satellite
trying to  tune into the radio station
that says its an open network
but has fire walls that keep me out

none of this your fault
no matter what she has you believe
I know she's convincing
but you are so much better
you could do so much better
find a girl, one that doesn't make you feel this way
one that doesn't spend time with her ex every Sunday
this tug of war between you two
is painful to watch
we all fear you will topple in
and not be able to swim
so please cut, let go, drop the rope
that keeps you in this mess
she's a nice girl, just not to you
yes it will hurt her
but if you don't you will hurt too

In this business
it's sail of flop
it will **** if you let it
if your will isn't strong enough

there are girls who are 110
but still aren't small enough
some shoot heroine
encouraged by the adults around them
to get tiny and  frail,
to go to these extremes

Artist, going mad for inspiration
every stroke is do or die
every form in pottery needs to be perfect
meticulous planing for an 8 by 11 painting
even more for a portrait

Dancers, breaking their feet for the perfect point
****** toes from wooden toe shoes
not drinking or eating  to make weight
hours in the studio
rolled ankles strained muscles
but still moving art

Singers, not eating dairy
downing water every second
working bar till throats ache
holding sharps till they feel faint
hitting the highest note and cracking
hitting the lowest note and burning

Actors, baking under lights
quick changes, make up running
memorizing lines and monologues day and night
it's a cue line, so it has to be right!
mind racing to think of a cover  up for a missed cue
alone on stage it's only you

This business ,full of horrible truths
is not for those who would like to keep their youth
to thrive, to simply survive
you need a will as hard as nails
a strong heart
self respect
and able to so NO and keep on saying it
having a will,  a heart, respect
will get you farther than the rest

just sitting in the kitchen
talking and joking
laughing with you
joking with your dad
baking something we just came up with we called
stuff, coated with chocolaty stuff, with other stuff in side it
that was some yummy stuff
simply because we thought it'd be fun
riding bikes because I **** at doing so
so instead of teaching me
we just biked better
The stuff that we do on Saturday afternoon couldn't be better

surging through the woods
bouncing and shaking on rough terrain
almost hitting trees
but wanting to go faster
up over hills and almost flying over
hitting trees and toppling over
and just laughing and getting back on

kicking into third gear and soaring down hills
simply for the fear and thrill
of shredding through empty corn fields
thinking your safe when all you have is plastic to protect you
but I just go faster
into forth because the thrill is the best part
barley having control
but never crashing and burning

you say that I'm pasty
but what keeps things together better than glue?
you say I'm odd
well so is number one
so I guess I'm number one to you
you say I'm crazy
so was Einstein
you say I'm a *****
others would say I'm just more mature than you
you say,
you say...

I don't care what you say

your arms wrapped around me
just sitting on the couch
humming along to the songs of our favorite movie
and I'm in that sweet spot
where I'm wrapped tight in your arms
rain pitter pattering on the windows
almost asleep but not quite
just at the edge of consciousness
where my leg twitches but I still know I'm in your arms
and i can still feel your breathing
with my head on your shoulder
still hear you laugh when I twitch
this sweet spot should last forever
but our favorite song comes on

I'm no longer a sickly shade of paste
I'm a bright pink
cheeks hot, my heart fluttering
with every touch, every movement
because this moment
has me suspended in time
and floating in space
something the doctor couldn't even fix
I wouldn't want him to
this moment suspended in time you
a third world, our own space
every sentence, every word
spoken softly, trying  not to cut the strings
that keep us suspended in time
a moment  that would be a crime to forget
Don't let go, let me turn brighter pink
if it keeps us suspended in time

a mind that races faster than legs
running circles around  itself
I couldn't quite it
nor could anyone else

but when you're here it seems to fade
the racing mind
the tug of war of thoughts
it all goes quite

not a sound or a thought
a rag doll in your arms
an empty mind
a racing heart

There's something about the way you talk
the way you turn and look at me
like I'm made of glass
Careful not to let me fall
break into a million pieces
but glass is strong
and so am I
but you don't always see it
because glass isn't as clear as we think

There's an unsettling quiet that hangs in the air
an empty stage and abandoned chairs
dust settled on red curtains
empty theaters abandoned stages
past actors linger on curtains
laughs and cries hang in the air like ghosts
scratches on the floor of stories past
empty chairs where laughs and tears were shed
the curtains red
hanging half drawn
but where are the people? the show must go on

I know its time to turn the page
but the pages stick
they're damp and glued together
with my tears
turning the page means facing new fears
I want to turn back
go back to the last chapter
before one of my favorite characters left
and I'm not sure if she'll make another appearance
I hope so
I want to go back to before it started to crumble
I want so badly to go back
but i don't have choice,
I have to hit play and turn the page

As if time could go slower
it drones on and on
the tick of that clock
a mockery, tormenting me
with every tick, tack, tock or ****
it is another time you've been gone

You can't
                                                                                                           yes i can!
then why haven't you already?
                                                                                     My demons keep me from
                                                                                     me from doing so!
you can't control them and you can't do this
so deal with it!
because you are a waste!
                                                                                 No NO NO
                                                                                 I refuse to be seen as such
                                                                                so you better hush!
                                                                         I am tired of fighting a civil war
You can't stop me
                                                                        Oh really? can't you see?
                                                                    you are merely the dark side of me
                                                           i can bring you down to your surrender
                                                               my demons, control me never

the best actors
aren't the ones on stage
they're the ones with broad smiles
and chins held high
but inside,
they want to curl up in ball and cry
but, actors are supposed to bring joy
and entertainment to the world
so the must smile and never cry

Every one says
            "Don't be a square"
but why be a circle?
             because its special,
but if its special
then let it be special, and let there be few circles
if we are all circles,

"then don't be such a circle"

I should be running
but laying here in the grass is fine
small green blades brush my arms
while i on the line of perfect and chilly
a bright sun on my face
a gentle breeze on my arms
I should run but the grass is more inviting

it's thrill of almost falling
but, not quite on the edge
of looking down and, your heart, it skips a beat
it's the fear, making your heart race
it's the scare factor ,at an all time high
and it makes you feel...alive

with 26 letters
there's a lot of things to say
yet there's not enough ways to explain,
how i feel today

there's no sun on my face
but my smile doesn't feel out of place
it feels like there's butterflies tickling my face
or like i'm doing back flips standing place

Even with 26 letters
there's no word to say
how i feel today

there is a land, of 4 leaf clovers
they wave over hills
and  swim in the vallies

In this land, no one cries
In this land, no dreams die
and three leaf clovers are scarce
because should you break
A four leaf clover
A dream dies
and less birds fly

So, in this land,
of four leaf clovers
everyone steps  over clovers
and dreams don't die
and birds always fly

HIM
Alice, you child, show them your smile
ALENA
My name is not Alice
An you know that well
so, shut up and return to...
HIM
You little girl
you must be nice,
Alice, is sugar not spice
ALENA
Alice is a girl, not a car
stuck in traffic!
And if you dare think you can break me,
Break ALENA! then you're wrong
cause  I, am strong
and I still have fire in my eyes
HIM
She speaks  lies
she  is  submissive
not a beast, so boys you may feast
ALENA
Fine! go ahead!
But just take a  listen
Your sister, your mother, your baby cousin
Imagine them as me
HIM
Shut up you insolent brat!
ALENA
No! because one, one day
oh  yess one day
I'll never come back
and I will no longer be a car, stuck in traffic

                                   for my name is  ALENA not ALICE!

There are monsters in my closet
they cry my name
the cries they make are always the same,
"look at what you've done,
you narcissistic beast"
and in my closet they feast
on my guilt
while in the corner, I sit quite and still

I can sit here for hours
and think about thought
the phenomenon that takes place in the minds of ours
and by sitting for hours
I've got a part figured out
*If you are thinking about the act of thinking,
are you think about thinking,
or thinking about thought?

I sit here in the rain
in puddles of my own tears
it's been years, 17 to be exact
since i saw you last
I can hear what what I think is your voice,
here in the rain
it washes away the pain
maybe it's my mind playing tricks,
but I think i can hear your laugh
sitting here in the rain
the mud is thick
so here I will sit
till it washes the pain away

when you are young
you trust the waves will catch you
like friends , when you fall

As you get older,
you realize the truth;
that there's a pestilence
in these once trusted waves

one that will take you under and out to the sea
while you try to grasp the friendly shores
where waves once caught you when you fell