1 Big blue and white one, 2 small oval yellow ones, and 1 small round blue one.
Take once a day with or without food.

At the young age of just 16 years old I take more medications than an elderly woman in an old age home. My mom even briefly considered getting me one of those pill boxes that have the days of the week printed on them... yeah... it's that bad.
Since I was a young kid I've been shoved into more therapist's offices than I can count and had more tests done on me than a lab rat.
ADD, ADHD, and an Anxiety Disorder are just a few of my many problems.
I take my meds every day. 365 days.
Seeing as though I am a teenager however, sometimes I forget to take these little pills. And my parents are the first ones to remind me of their importance and necessary role in my life.
When I'm off my meds I can never tell whether I'm more myself or if that volatile creature only appears in the absence of a medication that I take everyday.
In some ways I feel that my medications numb my humanity and force me to be predictable and emotionless. But I also know that I can't do a lot of the things I love to do without them.
So, my fellow poets, I ask you a question:
Is the tragedy of losing myself in a great abyss of nothingness worth being able to focus in class or stand in large groups of people without having a panic attack?

"You're smile's adorable."
His cheeks always get bright red when I tell him that.
"You're beautiful."
I always smile when he says that...

I want so badly to be able to hold him close to me.
I want so badly to kiss him when he gets down on himself.
I want so badly to hug him when he's alone.
But I cant. Because he's so far away.

So I'll wait until the day when we can finally be together.
Because he's worth the distance, yet he doesn't even know it.
So I'll wait until the day when I can hold him and tell him how wrong he is.
Because he's worth every bit of this pain and hurt.
So I'll wait until the day when I can say to his face "I love you."

Because love waits. Love exists. Love hurts.
But most importantly, love is worth fighting for.

I hate that you hate me.
I hate that I cant be what you want.
I hate that you don't realize the pain you cause me.
I hate that you pretend that we are a perfect family.
I hate that you laugh everything off and never listen to me.
I hate the way you make me feel.

Why is it we cant choose our family?
Why do we have to learn to love them?
Why cant we choose them like we do our friends?

I cant love someone who doesn't love me.

I ****. You said it yourself.

I hate that you pretend that you didn't say it.
I hate that you dont feel guilty for being a bad parent.

What about me?
What about my happiness?
What about my life?

I hate that you don't listen to me, or accept who I am.
Because it makes it even harder for me to do that when my own mother cant.

So stop thinking about yourself.
And realize that your daughter needs help.

Im suicidal and you cant even tell.
What does that say about how much you care?
Or how much you even love me?


**Do you even love me?

They say that cuts and bruises fade but scars remain.
But even the scars eventually fade... So is there anything that lasts?
How about a tattoo?
I want my flesh inked with your name because you are me.
Your life is mine and your story is now mine to share.
Is it bad that I want that legacy to live on? No.
So when I turn 18, I will get one.
My parents say they will take me out of their will if I do, but I dont care.
What I care about is you and legacy.
I want to share your story. I want to share our story.

to me... a person can only have one true moment of absolute clarity in their lifetime.
it may differ on how old you are when it occurs
or how old you are when you realize that was the moment.
but the clarity remains the same.
the voices, the sounds, the silences.
its all crystal clear.
for me, that moment was one to cry over; to sob over; to hate.
but im proud of that moment, im proud of what it made me.
i hope that your moment is one to laugh over; smile about and enjoy.
i hope. that you. are more fortunate then i was.
im sorry if its not. im sorry if your moment was like mine.
but whats important to remember is who was there.
because the people in that moment, they should matter the most.
it almost feels like a supernatural power... to remember something in such vivid detail.
its amazing to think that it was 2 years ago.
so try to make every moment an amazing moment; an amazing memory.
because the moment you remember forever. should never define you.
you aren't what you remember, or what you messed up.
you arent your regrets, or your bad days.
you are who you choose to be.
so make every moment count, and every moment matter.
so that way when your'e stuck with a moment....
at least it will be better then mine.

sometimes i wish i was alone.
completely and utterly alone.
i wish i didn't have to worry about anyone or anything.
i want to be in charge of my own life.
as awful as it might sound i dont want to have a family.
i want to do what i want, when i want.
it seems nice, ya know?
not having to worry or fend for anyone but yourself?
no need to worry about grades because your parents wont yell at you.
i could go wherever i wanted, whenever i wanted.
i have this dumb fantasy...
that one day i will be in a cafe, snow falling outside.
i would be sitting at a little table, drinking a cup of tea, reading a book.
and a cute boy will come up to me and we would just start talking.
no worries, no family, just us, no one else.
i know, its dumb, but its just my mind.
i guess id like to imagine that if i didn't have a family i could do all of this.
its just that sometimes the people we really love are the ones who hold us back the most.
and im tired of being held back, im tired of living my ordinary life.
i hate watching these tv shows because it makes me sad.
all of these people have such interesting lives.
being bit by a wolf, dating someone who your parents disapprove of, going off to magical lands where you never grow up, shrinking to the size of a mouse, fighting bad guys and saving mankind...  
it just seems like a live a normal life.
nothing ever happens and i feel like its because of my family.
they hold me back and prevent me from having fun, or seeking out adventure.
i want to live the life i want to live.
so im going to do dumb things, make mistakes, read, write, drink, go to parties and live my life. because im sick of people telling my how to live my life.