Sometimes I sit around wondering.
Wondering where the time went.
It feels like just yesterday I was a little kid wishing to be older.
Today I'm older and regretting ever wishing those things.
I miss waking up each morning loving going to school and loving who I was.
Today I'm sitting here crying about everything. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm crying about.
I just feel sad.
I never used to be sad. I never used to feel this way.
If I went back my younger self would be so disappointed.
They would be mad, angry.
I would yell at me and ask why I've done what I've done.
And to be honest I would yell back.
Because when you're a kid the world is such a great place but as you grow up the fairy tales stop and things start to really ****.
And sometimes you do things to cope with the world.
Because you can't change it. You can't make the change you want to see because everything that we hope for or wish for is nothing but a dream.
A dream that no longer lives. A dream that I personally, don't dream about any more.
Because I've lost all hope.

It hurts because I know no matter how I word it you will never understand what that moment mean't to me.
You will never truly grasp how much I need you, or how much I think about you.
You will never see that I am, and will always be in love with you.
And this will all happen because I am not gifted enough.
I cant put my thoughts into words and because of this you will never know.
When I see you my mind goes blank, I cant speak.
So im sorry that you will never know how I feel about you.
But to be honest you probably dont care what I feel.
Do I ever even cross your mind?

Losing you cant be fixed with Ben and Jerry's or any number of Coldplay songs.
But still I sit here and listen to sad songs, and reblog for hours on end.
Because tumblr seems to know me better then anyone in reality.
I guess I like listening to these songs because they share the same experiences as me.
And I guess I'm too scared to find other people in my life who share the same problems.
I swear to God, Ben Rector and I have twin lives.
When I hear these songs I almost forget about everything else.
When A Heart Breaks might just be my life story.
I could rant on about my favorite artists but it wouldn't be worth it.
But I wont.
I will end with this: No matter how much a girl tries to forget something she cant, no matter how hard she tries. Because what happened, mattered. And all she can do is hope that it mattered to you. Because you cant forget something that mattered.

So maybe I built walls.
Around my heart; around my feelings.
But when your entire life crumbles before your eyes.
When you lose everything except for your own life...
You dont want it to happen again.
So I built walls, and I'm sorry that you cant break them.
But thats the point.
Because I've learned to trust no one but myself.
When I let you in, my walls weren't tall enough.
You climbed over them, and intruded on my heart.
Now, some might say, that they are too tall.
But I disagree.
Because when everything is taken from you, except your own life...
You wont let it happen again.
Because if it does, I know I wont make it out alive.

You make fun of me, call me fat, mock me all day.
But then, you tell me you love me.
Well, news flash.
Thats. Not. Love.
Your words have actually driven me to become depressed.
Its nights like tonight when I truly think I hate you.
But yet if I told you I were depressed you would be mad.
You would yell at me and tell me how great I have things.
And thats really not what anyone in my condition wants to hear.
So I guess I will suffer in silence until you finally realize how much pain I am in.
And how much pain you are causing me.

again, today, you yelled at me.
and every time i try and brush it off.
i try and act like what you say doesnt effect me.
that what you say doesnt matter.
but it will always matter, as much as i dont want it too.
because you raised me and i guess all ill ever do is try to be what you want.
you said that if i didnt get my **** together i would never do anything with my life
and that if i made mistakes that it would be unacceptable,
and that i would never recover from it.
its almost like you dont see the marks on my arm.
its like you are ignoring the pain you are giving me and you continue to yell.
you yell and act like im what you used to be.
and i hope to god thats not true because i want nothing to do with you.
you may be my mom but you will never be someone i trust, look up to, or like.
i hate to say this, but ive tried to put these feelings off so many times.
ive tried giving her 2nd, 6th, 20th more chances but she doesnt stop.
whenever i do something good, she barely says anything.
but when i mess up.... when i mess up... the yelling starts.
and the cuts get deeper.
but you dont notice, because all you do is keep yelling.

sometimes a parent is willing to anything for their child, except let them be themselves.
im not smart, im not mannerly, im not anything you want me to be.
and thats okay with me, just not with you.
no matter how many teachers, tutors, or medications you get me i am just me.
and im sorry if thats not good enough for you.
but ive realized i cant change, and thats ok.
because even though i will never reach your standards, im happy.
im content on living the life that God has planned for me.
not the life that you are trying to force on me.
so im sorry i will never be the perfect child you wanted,
im sorry i **** up and make mistakes,
im sorry im human and that im not what you wanted.
i can see the look in your eyes.
that "were not mad, just disappointed" look.
and when i was younger, i hated that look.
but now that look is nothing but a normal look.
im sorry im not what you wanted,
im sorry i **** up and make mistakes,
im sorry im human and that im not what you want.