My pure heart was dead inside
As the ghost watched us from across the room.
Filling our heads with ***** thoughts
And our veins with more whiskey.

A river flows through the backyard
Panic attacks under whiskey breath
Legs numb and gasping for air
Drowning in the driver's seat.

Our words f a d e
Faster than our footprints in the snow

It always feels nice being on the road with his hand in yours and the scent of tobacco and pine.
He takes you to the place he calls home.

Campfires and reading about the inevitable apocalypse with the light from the fire that is starting to burn out
You look up and the moon shines through the cracks in the trees.

Abstract drawings and sounds of nature.
The caw of the goshawks keeping you up in the tent,
A hike that is familiar to him, you feel a presence and are assured you are safe.

Before it is time to leave, you both run as the storm crashes and rain pours from the sky into the blue hole.
Then the lightning peeks through the clouds and the darkness begins to subside.

You breathe in... and.. out... catch your breath and take a look around at the dense forest.
You find the one that looks at you like he's going to save you.

We're in the bathtub
Soaking our tired bones

We're so close to one another
Melting away the anxiety
And trying to face the fear that holds us back

God, I like you
Why can't I tell you?

The candles are burning and our skin is touching
The music is playing as you come closer

You kiss my cheek and I run the hot water
We lie next to each other, our bodies pure and bare
We fall asleep leaving the negative thoughts outside the door.

He tastes like winter and smells like home

You find yourself in another city
Feeling inspired with a friend
A pretty bird with a smile
You find a bar
Where typewriters are on the wall
And pages from books make up the wallpaper
Gin and mezcal
Passionfruit and cherries
The Pet Shop is open
Filled with the opposite ***
Everyone wants to get to know you
Get in your head like the words in a book
Making plans for road trips
And future apartments
Iceland and Nashville
Go before it's too late.

My eyes twitch when I'm sad
Before the tears flood down my porcelain skin
I can tell you were sad as well
Because you couldn't look me in the eyes
You distracted yourself
And your guilty conscience
The sound of your voice haunts my thoughts
While my smile is all you can think about
You told so many lies, big and little lies.

A four hour drive to the land of steady habits
A glass of wine turns into eight
A late drive through the mountains
We're no longer in the garden state.

A card game spread across the table
Family here and family afar
Songs of Johnny Cash and Willie
A familiar face of a one eyed pup
Cats scattering across the floor
A bed under the teeth of the piano
And Christmas lights on the stairs.

The clock strikes twelve
We're watching a family of raccoons eat their Thanksgiving dinner
While everyone else is asleep.

There's no time for true love with a stranger
The bottles are full of old memories and pressed anger
A new friend thinks he can get you into his bed
But you fall asleep staring at the rising sun
While his cat is in your arms, he's trying to get close.
But you won't let him in your head
It's 5 a.m.
His beard is a birds nest and his room is too cold

You're taking it slow, getting to know the new guys
Being a friend to all the musicians around town
They treat you kind,
And there's no crossing lines.

“I’ll never let go” played on the tele
As the screen became a blur and faces began to distort

The night went as follows
The sound of the animals
The fear of heights being medicated by the alcohol
Sparklers lit the sky and like bats we flew into the night

The taste of milk and the sound of strings
Haircuts and shoe glue
Denim vests with patches
Missing boots and a dance

The dirt is wet, the records playing
The ship sunk.

I'm still learning what it's like to not be alone
Forgive me if I am distant
I'll try to look you in the eyes
I'm just trying to forget the one I spent the last seven years with
Because today would have been eight.

We found each other when we were looking for comfort and a warm hand to hold
Someone to say good morning to
And drink coffee with before work.

I'm lucky I found you in a crowd of strangers in that little bar filled with sin.

"How to not develop feelings..."
- A Memoir.

It's not ok to mess with two hearts if you can't handle your own.

I'll never forget that look you gave me
As I rested my head on your chest
After we saw each other raw and real
You couldn't handle emotion
And I don't blame you
Because I feel that way now
I still remember that late July night

That squeaky clean hotel room
With the curtains slightly closed
As the moon shone through
After you had me all to yourself
You were ready to let me go
Why didn't I tell you:
I liked you
Your thrill for adventure,
Your contagious laugh, and deep gaze
Kept me up at night
Wishing you could be by my side.

Were you looking for me all along?
Were you distracted by false idols in sheep's clothing?

The windows are covered in frost and the air is cold
The streets are covered in a sheet of white
While the furnace is having conversations with the room.

Do you want to fall
Asleep in my arms
In my warm bed
In white linen and the sounds of
The creaks of the wood
This bed will swallow us whole
If we let it.

But we could build a fort
And escape the mundane
For the night
We could sail away
and find what we’re looking for.

Now the record is playing
They’re singing my song
The horses are calling
And the piano is playing along.

Now the morning is here
I’m pouring the coffee
And adding in honey
And you tell me
you think you love me.

Let’s not kid ourselves
We’re only just friends
How can you love something
That doesn’t bend
For you, you need time
You don’t know me
In that way
Even though I watched you sleep
Maybe this is wrong
But maybe this is right
What I need.

But I can’t love something
That I only just met
Even though I like your boots.
And the way your hair
falls in your eyes

I already miss the way you look at me
And it's only been four days
This is what you want
To be alone:
Or to be with someone else
So I will not answer anymore of your texts
And I'll try to stop thinking about everything
About you;
And your whiskey smile
And how you hold my body close to yours
Your green eyes that look into my soul
Are we doing the right thing?
I feel like you're good for me
I'll give you space
I'll leave and give this thing some time
Because you said maybe one day
But I'll probably be thinking about someone else by then
And you will be alone thinking about me.

Late night conversations about marriage, space and ***
Talking about life and things that make us laugh
We talk about him and we talk about her
We talk all night and somehow it all makes sense
It would be easy to fall for you because we talk so much
But it won't be that easy because I'm hard to love and you're not.

I find myself thinking
The mountains are calling
Let's go for a ride
Find a place to stay for the night
And get lost for awhile
You and me, my best friend
We'll see the world in a different way
Escape the hate and the people who make us feel like nothing
Make friends with the locals, share a bottle of wine
And talk about the nostalgia that's been creeping around
I'll bring my paper and pen and my Polaroid camera
We'll explore the woods
Have conversations with the animals
Hike and share some laughs
Maybe we don't have to come back.

Apple pie
Tequila
And limes
Mixed with the poison that numbed my legs.

He invites you to his studio apartment
Conversations start on his couch
You're drinking again
Strangers give you comfort

He tries to get in your head
You tell him just enough to make him fall
The limits are definitely passed
You kiss as he makes his way closer

The jazz band is playing
The light is on
The sun, it rises from the bathroom window
Ocean views and chamomile tea with honey

Your skin is soft and tan
His freckles tell a story
And his brown eyes don't matter
Talks of Arkansas and the golden summers

He squeezes you tight, he wants one thing
While you're thinking of someone else
You decide when is a good time to leave.

The mountains, the desert, the west: are calling.
They’re calling me home.

7/15/19

Friends with bad habits
Are the ones that you keep you up at night
Their blurry vision and poor choices
And their hands on the wheel
Get home safe tonight.

Into the mystic we go
The magic we know
We find ourselves in the woods
Where we once felt everything
All at once.

In the trees where I used to play
With the birds in the forest
And the animals and the bees
The sound of the cicadas in the park
And the only time
when he left me in the dark.

But the fireflies
made it through the night
Catch me in the light
Oh it feels so right.

Now I got my room
In the city by the mountains and the trees
And my plants are reaching for the sun
the dogs are playing in the yard.

I’ve been here before
If not here, in my head
In my dreams
I saw something bright
It felt so right.

I am a lotus now
Reaching for the sky
Begging you to water me
Oh you knew I would grow
You knew I would fly
You knew me somehow.

And this has been the longest winter
Deciding whether to stay or go
My ankles are beside the door
While my heart is on the floor
These sad eyes
And forgotten smile
I don’t know him anymore
Not like I used to
Now he feels like a stranger
Feelings are across the room
Hidden in the skull, hanging on the wall

2/19/19

He wants to feel real
But you feel nothing
Both of them thought you were there for them
He is drunk touching your arm
While the other is coy and collected
He stares at you while he's on stage
While the other is hidden behind
They both want to take you home
Thoughts race through your head
You can't manage two hearts
In your lace dress
The night gets late
They play the strings and pass the drugs
Your friends arrive and lust fills the room
Jealousy and twisted advances
Polaroids and summer beers
Leaving in vans
You go back to his house
To only feel like a friend

We were weaved together
By the spider who lived under the house
The one with the baby’s breath and violets by his bed

I lie awake
And fall
Into a dreamscape
That I once knew
I thought I would lose
But here I am
Losing the feeling of you.

We had it all
Until it all came down
For where we once lived
I had to leave
I had to run again.

I don’t feel
That way anymore
I’m shining,
I’m finding
A new way home .

Why am I falling for you?
The man with the cold hands
And whiskey smile
We drink wine and watch movies
Fall asleep under the moon's dim light
I wake up in the morning
And you are holding me close
You cook me breakfast as we drink green tea
What are we going to do?
I'm scared and can't stop thinking
Believing every word you say
While you're still talking to your old love
But you look me in the eyes.

Drunk conversations
When the truth comes out
Our awkwardness and anxiety
Holding back tears
God I hate feeling alone
You tell me I'm pretty,
You like my eyes and teeth
That I am a rare find
I thought when we first kissed I'd never see you again
But here I am, at your house almost every night.

Surrounded by couples
As we rang in the New Year
The ball dropped and so did my heart
Looking around for the one with the cold hands
Nowhere to be found
Do you really want to be disappointed tonight?
There's a familiar feeling
As you're with friends old and new
You want him
The one that makes that you feel again
So this is the New Year
I hope that it gets better
That luck will be on our side
And someone will want to be with only me
Save me from the past
Make me believe love isn't just a hoax.

Whatever you do, don't.
When "everything used to be so good" was written in the sky
It was foreshadowing our once tangible, now inevitable future
If only I noticed sooner that we were growing apart
I could have had a ring, a house, a kid and not a broken heart
They say nothing lasts forever and we have to suffer to survive
But that town and our fake friends got into my head and made us feel alive
You were already a broken thing who could only feel regret
But it's not fair to the one who let her guard down
To only be abandoned by the one who couldn't break your heart.

I feel something when I'm with you
Something I haven't felt in a long time
I'm ready to let you in
I'm scared as hell
And my hands are shaking

But when I'm with you, it almost feels right
I know we've both been hurt before
And I know the feeling that you get when you are anxious
And the feeling that I get when I am scared
I don't want to be alone

You are not here and you are alone
I cried in your arms and you told me things you can't remember
You talk in your sleep to the demons of your past
I'll help you fight your demons if you keep me warm at night
I know we both don't want this
But it's happening and we're not in control

True love with a stranger has turned into something else
Spending my nights in the room that's too cold
The birds nest is on the shelf
As you slur your words
You say you're going to disappear
Please don't disappear.

When the distance of staying in
Feels like a lifetime
And we’re separated by the miles
Rather than footsteps

We’re leaving soon
the homes that made us
From the plague that almost took us
And the angels who saved us

Now it’s spring
The changing of trees
And the sound of the animals
The birds are chatting
And the bugs are singing us to sleep

The world feels a little different
Much smaller than before
But I have my friends
And I have my family
And I have my life
Even though it’s a little quiet.

I remember I used to watch you play when I was 18
Every Thursday at that little Irish pub
Sometimes I couldn't keep my eyes off of you
When I had to seat the anticipating guests
I remember you gave me your number
But I was young and naive
And chased all the bad boys who would always leave
Now 8 years later
You're still playing in town
Your hair is long now
And your voice much deeper
I know you don't remember me
But maybe we can meet again
And this time I'll call you back

& when it happened
The room was illuminated
My world stood still and nothing made sense
My legs felt like weights and no words came out
Then hospitals and needles
Doctors with no answers
A walk down the stairs and everything is different.

Well this new life I’m in
Feels like something
out of a film
Or a new kind of war
that I am fighting in.

You see this new world I’m in
makes my heart race
a little more than before.
And are these fever dreams
Or nightmares I make
Even while I sleep
I can’t escape.

It does have me thinking
I’m supposed to be here
To shed light on those
who can’t reach the door.

They’re searching for a cure...
They’re searching for answers

It’s been ten days
and I cant leave the house
to see the people
that mean the most

Now the whole world
is under quarantine
And this plague is well aware
It’s growing
by the minute
And I can’t even
believe it
But I wish I could take it
all away.

Let me be the light that never goes out
Let me heal this earth
like never before.
When it feels like
you’re all alone
Remember,
I’m on the other end
of the phone.