i miss myself

****,
i was eloquent
****,
i was going places
****,
i was so young
****,
i'm still so young

****
is all i can muster, these days.
my poetic musings crammed into red-indigo-dark blue,
whereas i was pretentious
starry-eyed,
with a moonlight filled mouth always open

i was hopeful beauty and grace
and my mind was always spinning,
music was not compatible with me,
too much going on up there,
didn't need anything else.
all i do is music now.

man,
i'm just sad now,
sicker than before.
my feet always tapping,
complaining of a bad back,
weak stomach,
poor eyes,
short memory,
knotted stomach,
i'm writing pill bottles and music instead

where am i?
i don't know where i am now
i feel so trapped and lost
out of control
not healthy,
this isn't,
nope.
i ******* know it and i know that i'm so gone

just hormones
i tell myself
not real pain
not a big deal
but everything hurts and i want to die
just hormones 
hiding behind eyeliner
it masks the red 
i wasn't crying
allergies
mine are bad this time of year
i wasn't sad
why do you ask?
how ridiculous
i
don't
get 
sad
i don't need help
 i just need some time alone
no people
just the static crackling of a car radio a few yards away
a talk show with the volume **** turned too loud
screams and laughter from where my friends stand
they aren't like me 
they don't want me
i don't want them
i'll hide in a corner
hide behind a mask
of eyeliner
and lip gloss
cloaked in shadows
drip drip
goes the water
it's cold over here
but hidden
nobody can see me
i'm just another person on their phone
clipped into technology 
indifferent 
not in pain
just hormones 
i remind myself
you aren't really hurting
the slightest touch will turn your eyes into waterfalls
so stay hidden 
stay safe
it's ***** over here
bird **** on a window
how is it that even possible?
moist
disgusting
guarded by 6th graders
to afraid to approach me
but i can feel their eyes on me
creepy pasta
is what they discuss
as they beat their violin strings
with their bows
unpleasant noises
there's my mom's car
pulling up
get ready
smile
energy
brush your hair back
natural
act natural
"How was your day?"
hard
"Fine"
it's just hormones.

"Sometimes to stay alive you gotta **** your mind."
         -twenty one pilots

"I've said it before and I'll say it again. If you think you're alive, then you're better off dead."
- Bring Me The Horizon

I                 you                   if
have          are                     I
seen           so                      could
my            destructive        I'd
sister          you                   rip
be              have                  your
called        no                      filthy
every        self                     hands
ugly         control               away
name       I                          from
in             saw                     her
the           the                      beautiful
book        switch                image

The start.
A series of days stretches before me,
limitless in their potential,
empty of plans and of need to be anywhere
except for where I want.
Blank canvases to be made over in the images I choose,
empty pages waiting for me to write the story,
heaven.
But one day shall follow the next
and that seemingly infinite potential will shut down as the days march
and potential becomes reality
becomes memory
and all too quickly I will be at
the end.

Listen closely.
Pay attention.
There are words inside you
they are trying to get out.
They will bubble at the most inopportune times,
when no pen and paper is at hand.
Listen closely, pay attention
and they'll percolate perhaps,
and bubble up again
and maybe, perhaps,
you can catch those bubbles
without
bursting them.

Moon glows incandescent, a monster eye.
My eyes are moths.