"i love you" is hollowing
three words aren't enough for me
(they were until my brain ate them whole. now they echo inside my ears, bounce around until my head has had its fill)
tell me i'm better than the others
tell me you haven't come close to loving another soul the way you love mine
tell me that you weren't functioning
that you were a clock without hands
time flew by in the wrong direction and the numbers on your face were a dead language
until we fell together
and then you started counting in real time and loving every tick of every second

i want you to be aggressive
brand your love into the side of my skull
scar it into my collarbones
make my illness remember

i want you to carve my name into your ******* heart
i want you to grab ahold of my lungs and breathe your love into them
make sure it's the only thing i know
send it flooding through my bloodstream
i need my illness to remember

when i'm like this,
don't tell me you ******* love me
your skin is made of cellophane
i can show you exactly where the lie is coming from
my own head can't take care of me,
how could you?
tell me you'd cut off your hands if they couldn't hold mine
tell me you'd wiggle your way into my ribcage if you could
just so you could be closer to the beat of my heart
tell me you love me and make my illness believe it

you've knocked me off the counter;
i've spilled onto the kitchen floor;
you've stepped in it now, stepped on me;
your sock is wet, your feet are cold, you slip in the mess i have made

paper towels don't work, and neither do real ones;
i am not a disaster easily cleaned;
i linger;
you will try to pick me up but i will stay;
i seep into the floorboards, make home in the tile;
i will live underneath until all the wood rots

i will mold your home from the inside out;
i will eat your walls, stain your ceilings;
you knocked me over,
so i dripped into the cracks and crevices of your home;
i will cling onto you for as long as i can

pour me into a glass;
tall, still, and skinny;
i'll hold my breath to stay narrow;
and i'll keep quiet;
no rippling of the tide;
no flow of the river inside of my chest;
i serve as the perfect mirror;
put me in front of whoever you want me to be

i take shape of any container you put me in, baby;
pour me from one bowl to another;
ladle me into the grave you dug for me;
bottle me up and keep me in the cellar;
anything you want, i am glad to be;
i'll distort myself to be what you need

let me cool you down;
take a dip on a hot summer day;
dive in, use my body as you wish;
swallow me from the glass you've got pressed to your mouth;
what a dream, it is;
use me, baby,
take what you need;
invade me

you refresh me more than the start of a new year /
the ball drop doesn't excite me the way you do /
but i can't wait to kiss you into next year

you are more forgiving than valentines day /
you love and love even when i have nothing to give /
i hand you a deflating heart balloon /
and you tie the ribbon around your wrist anyway /
you kiss my cheek and
for a day, i live in shades of pink

you're quieter than the fourth of july /
but you shine four times brighter /
than any firework i can see from my backyard /
more beauty with less noise:
paradise embodied

halloween is scary /
and so are you, sometimes /
i fear how much i crave you /
and i trick-or-treat for your attention /
but you are safer than halloween /
i don't need to dress up /
(why would i want to be anyone else if i'm the one who has you?)
you unmask me /
there's no hiding, no costumes /
kids are laughing, the air is cold /
but you make me feel so warm

thanksgiving is a day i spend thanking /
whatever divine being decided you should walk into my life /
i celebrate you,
i toast to us

christmas is my favorite time of year /
my mom brings out candles that smell like pine and peppermint /
my dad strings cheap lights across our roof /
my sister and i fight over our stockings /
it's silly,
but before loving you,
i thought no human could make me feel as good /
as this holiday does /

you are my christmas tree and everything underneath it /
your eyes twinkle like lights, shine like stars /
there's a bow around my waist, and the tag on it reads,
"from me to you"
keep me, keep me, keep me


love, you are my favorite holiday /
i celebrate every time i see you smile

an hourglass flipped upside down;
time is ticking;
you're waiting on our expiration date

i can't let you go;
the thought of us rotting apart makes my chest ache and ache and ache;
i'm scratching the numbers off the carton

you stepped into this predicting the end;
we're disposable;
i can be replaced;
i am not worth fighting for;
not worth aching over

you accept the date that haunts me;
and i ache;
inside and out;
i hurt and hurt and hurt;
forever starts and ends with you

i want to smash this hourglass;
let the sand spill into the carpet;
i need the clocks to stop and the world to end its spinning;
i'm hungry for time and hungry for you;
i will devour whatever it takes for you to see that this is more than temporary

there's a hole inside of me /
and it's shaped like you /
it curves around your frame /
it was made for your body only

the lock in my ribcage knew --
a long time before i did --
that you were the only key /
i'm scared that once you've unlocked it /
you'll see why the handle has been dusty for so long /
and you'll shut me right back up /
board up the doors /
and leave me writhing