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Jan 2020 · 90
lena k Jan 2020
you cannot water their garden
for you have your own to care for.
there are far too many flowers
and not enough water
between the two
for you to water both.
you must
keep your own garden
and allow the other person
to fetch their own water
and provide for their garden
for if you attempt
to water both
both gardens will suffer.
you cannot fix people no matter how hard you try. the only person you can fix is yourself.
Jan 2020 · 55
lena k Jan 2020
for me
home is not a building
constructed of wood
and filled with furniture.
it is not a dwelling
where family members gather
once their days have ended.
my home is my safe place
where i can let myself breathe
after a long day
of holding in my breaths.
my home is the place i go
when i feel unsafe
because "it" happened again.
my home is the only place
i truly feel warmth
for it is the only place it is provided.
my home is the place i am at peace
for my mind talks too much
anywhere else.
my home is the place
i can rest
and trust will provide me protection.
for me
home is not a building
constructed of wood
and filled with furniture.
my home is you.
i think i've fallen in love with you.
Aug 2019 · 211
lena k Aug 2019
you look at me
the way he used to
before he left

i adore the way you look at me
and speak to me
the way he used to

but i prepare myself for the day
when you begin to realize
why he left
why they all left
and join them
isolating yourself from me

"that won't happen"
you tell me
unaware that those are the same words
i've heard a dozen times
from a dozen people
that are now strangers

i apologize for the panic attacks
i will have
due to the thought of losing you
losing yet another person
i've opened up to

and i apologize for opening up to you
and ruining
that original image
you had of me in your head

don't leave
May 2019 · 238
lena k May 2019
i am so exhausted
of this fight with my head
it could be time
to lay down and rest instead

please don't miss me when i go
you'll see me again one day
but i wish to be cold like snow

i promise you'll be okay
it's time for me to leave
but when you find me
don't roll up my sleeve

my apologies
for leaving you this way
but don't worry
you'll forget about me
as you go on with your days
TW: suicide
Feb 2019 · 236
valentine’s day
lena k Feb 2019
your love
is my life support
please don’t pull the plug

your touch
is like a blanket
it’s cold, please don’t take it off

your kiss is essential
don’t you see i’m craving you?

you’re a master piece
a work of art
i could stare and admire all day

the way your beautiful
brown body
and your black wavy hair
falls upon your shoulders
and glistens in the moonlight
while your skin
glows with every step you take

i admire you as if
you were created by
vincent van gogh

i wonder what you think of me
Dec 2018 · 332
lena k Dec 2018
i apologize to everyone
that i am leaving behind.
it was never your fault,
you've been nothing but kind.
i promise that i love you
and i always will
but sometimes, late at night
i wish time would stand still
so i'm stopping my own clock
don't worry, you'll be okay
we'll see each other soon
you'll be in my arms again one day
i'm sorry i had to leave you
but please don't miss me
i'll still be there by your side
don't cry, baby, you'll see
this poem ***** *** but i'm a ****** writer anyway so
Nov 2018 · 592
just a friend.
lena k Nov 2018
you say she's just a friend
but "just a friend" wouldn't visit you at work on your first day.
"just a friend" doesn't lay in your lap
while you play with her hair.
"just a friend" doesn't flirt with you.
"just a friend" wouldn't make me want to see myself bleed.
"just a friend" would be just a friend.
Oct 2018 · 247
blank space
lena k Oct 2018
tell me why
i'd do anything for you
but you won't do **** for me
i sit here
crying over the thought
of losing you
while you stand there
towering over me
constantly lying
constantly deceiving
constantly betraying
you cannot please
my one simple request
yet demand that i
not do a list of things
and i listen
i long for the day
when my unrequited love
is finally equated
and the day you finally
give a **** about my sobs
but until then
i will lay here
alone in bed
in the world
silently suffering
while you enjoy a night out
with the friend of yours
who wants me dead
i'm ******* done.
Oct 2018 · 218
lena k Oct 2018
i am sry
that i refuse 2 water
the flowers
that r in my brain
ur the only flower
i provide water 2
and i give it all 2 u
**** the flowers in my brain is my mental health if u can't tell
Aug 2018 · 138
lena k Aug 2018
i used to crave
empty lungs
****** wrists
and a dead heart

but ever since i fell in love with you
i crave listening
to your voice
and being the reason
for your smile

you are the light
at the end of the tunnel
and the rainbow
at the end of my storm
*TRIGGER WARNING*: self-harm, suicide
Aug 2018 · 159
lena k Aug 2018
you violated me
like my not consenting to you
made you want to explore my body more.

why is it
that when i pushed your hand away
you thought it was an invitation
to go further?
Aug 2018 · 158
what you deserve
lena k Aug 2018
i'm sorry.
i'm sorry that you're stuck with me.
stuck with someone who 's only happy when you're around.
someone who doesn't believe you when you say
you love them
because they have learned that they
are not lovable.
i'm sorry you're stuck with someone
who has trust issues
someone who flinches when a man sits next to them
someone who looks at sharp things differently
than you do
someone who overthinks everything
and believes you're bored of them.
someone who hold grudges
because that's the only way
they know how to protect themselves
someone who forgets to eat
someone who can't love herself
as much as you say you love them.
someone who will never believe you care about them
because they can't even care about themselves.
someone who will always believe
that you deserve better than them.
i'm not good enough for you ****
Jun 2018 · 308
x's and o's
lena k Jun 2018
your kisses, gentle or messy, have the ability
to make me happy for an entire week.
your touch, soft or grip, has the ability
to strip the breath from my body
distract me from life.
your smile has the ability
to free my thoughts of sadness.
your laugh has the ability
to force my mouth into a smile.
i wish i could lay with you
until my lungs lack oxygen
until my heart can no longer beat
until my lips can no longer meet yours
until my body can no longer wrap around yours
until you no longer long my love for you
i miss my girlfriend haha
Jun 2018 · 617
nature's lullaby
lena k Jun 2018
why are you awake, child?
the wind whispers.
thunder is far too loud!
i say.
would you like it if i sang you a lullaby?
asked the rain.
i nodded.
sings the rain upon my window.
the wind pushed the tree branch
against my window
back and forth...back and forth...back and forth...
the moon shined through my window
as bright as the sun would let her
causing the walls of my room to turn
a light, baby blue
with "polkadots."
thank you.
i smile, closing my eyes.
pitter patter
i love how relaxing thunderstorms are. :)
Jun 2018 · 609
happy father's day.
lena k Jun 2018
father's day means nothing to me
other than a time to sit in my room
and search my brain for at least one good memory
i have had with my father.

you are the reason for my battle scars.
you are the reason for my self-loathing.
you are the reason for my childhood trauma.
the reason why i cannot trust anyone in my life.
the reason why i flinch when any male touches me.
the reason why i fear saying, "no," to any man.

you are the reason and the root
for every single problem i have.
but you would never and will never
acknowledge this
for you are far too conceited
to realize you are capable of wrongdoing.

you're the reason i want to say goodbye.

but happy father's day, i guess.
lol deep ****.
Jun 2018 · 212
lena k Jun 2018
sadness is one of my closest friends
she's never left my side
not once
she has been there for me
stayed by my side
when no one else would
when all of my "friends" disappeared
she comforted me
and told me she'd never leave
sometimes i get tired of her
and tell her to leave
but she knows that sometimes
she is all i have
and that she must stay to keep me company
when no one else will
sadness is my only true friend
she has never left me and never will
and on days where she, too, disappears
she always comes back to me
stronger than before
personification. my best friend when it comes to writing.
May 2018 · 10.8k
lena k May 2018
you stole my light
when i told you to stop
and you ignored my red light
and kept going
like my body was undiscovered land
and you were a colonizer.
perhaps my asking you to stop
turned you on
made you hungry.
you looked at me with your hungry eyes
like i was fresh meat
for you to take and have for yourself
ignoring my stop signs
because i am nothing more
than an object to you
made for your manipulation and pleasures.
consent is key
Oct 2017 · 325
let it cry
lena k Oct 2017
Tonight, I see a fire
burning in the sky.
Pour some water on it,
let it cry.
Complain, just complain;
complain when she cries.
yet complain again when she doesn’t,
and your dear garden dies.
They want her to cry,
not too little or too much.
They want her to cry,
but only just enough.
Quite often,
you long for her tears,
ignoring the pain she’s felt
for a countless amount of years.
a poem about the sunsets.
Jul 2017 · 315
lena k Jul 2017
I feel like spiders have crawled inside me
and made themselves a home.
I need someone to exterminate my bones
because I currently feel dangerously alone.
I sit in the car and stare out the window.
From a different perspective, I experience other's lives go by.
My mother looks over and asks what I'm thinking about.
Fake smile, "Nothing," I say, trying to ignore my urge to cry.

to die.

An unexplained, unnamed emotion.
A misunderstood, ignored emotion.
Misunderstood and ignored.
Adjectives I could use to describe myself.
Never thought about...
I'm all by myself.
"I need someone," I told you.
That was my silent cry for help.
"That was rude, you know I'm here for you,"
you told me.
you misunderstood me.

I need someone to need me.
I'm sorry it doesn't all rhyme. I didn't know how to rhyme what I was screaming.
May 2017 · 2.7k
lena k May 2017
I'm so tired
of having to just sit here
and accept the fact that you barely thought of me all year.
You tell me,
"Don't go, I'd miss you,"
each time my mind wonders.
But I know you're lying.
You know I'm crying.
I've had time to sit and ponder.
I've come to the realization
that I've cried to you multiple times.
But everything you say to me
is rehearsed
and only to be kind.
I've told you almost a million times
of how empty I feel inside.
You cheer me up
and pretend to care.
But if I left,
you'd never cry.
I've told you a million times
that I want to feel damage and pain.
However, if I were to go,
you'd still be completely sane.
I wish that I could tell you
that I love you very much so.
But I know just how that would end up.
It'd end with endless crying
days and weeks in a row.
So now, I'll admit it.
I've reached end of my strength.
I feel so lost, alone, and empty.
This is the end of my days.
I'm so tired.
Apr 2017 · 622
silent screams
lena k Apr 2017
Look at her.
The girl over there; she's happy, right?
Always laughing and always smiling.
She's like a little ray of light.
You've never thought to ask her,
"Are you feeling okay?"
because she seems like
she's happy everyday.
But little do you know,
everyday, she comes home
to an empty house.
Because it's empty,
it's her free time to just cry and shout.
Shout at the walls
for keeping in the sound of her cries.
She looks forward to the day
her body becomes limp and dies.
At night, she eats her homemade meal.
Then goes upstairs and turns the shower handle,
life no longer seems real.
She stands and silently cries,
her tears look identical to the water.
That way, her parents never worry
about their daughter.
She cries herself to sleep,
then goes back to school each day.
She walks through the doors,
glances at her peers.
"Goodmorning," you'll hear her say.
She says it with a smile on her face.
A smile you'd never second guess.
A smile you'd never think
is any different from the rest.
It's not the best, I'm sorry.
Jan 2017 · 302
mother nature
lena k Jan 2017
poor mother nature.
she's so mistreated.
humans just mistreat her
until she is defeated.
whenever she cries,
the children play in her tears.
her sadness has covered the skies
for many many years.
whenever she cries,
the adults complain of being bored.
bored because their wish
is to destroy her even more.
you don't typically think
of the weather this way.
hopefully you'll understand
and be gentle one day.
i've been kinda ugh lately.
Dec 2016 · 404
i don't care
lena k Dec 2016
your hair,
i love running my hands through it
while you hold me.
your skin,
so soft to the touch.
your eyes,
i get lost in them everytime you look my way.
your smile,
i could see everyday for hours.
your laugh,
it's my favorite song.
the one i love.
Aug 2016 · 771
one sided
lena k Aug 2016
You're like a shadow,
you stayed during our brightest times
and left during the darkest ones.
You didn't leave with a warning,
and you were gone.
You acted like we never happened.
Like you didn't even know who I was.
You threw me away
and stomped on the heart I gave you.
You were my world,
but I was just a cover up for her..
the girl across the room.
You laughed at my tears.
What happened to the person
I fell in love with?
another poem from January.
Aug 2016 · 567
late night cries
lena k Aug 2016
have you ever considered
how your words make me feel?
often times,
i have late night cries.
and your words feel so real.
dry eyes
after bad times.
don't ever even take a moment to consider
that your words hurt me so bad.
you're killing someone's sister.
don't you dare tell me,
"my words were just a joke."
when your words make certain people
want to cry and choke.
so don't tell me I'm crying for no reason.
my crying is your doing.
Jun 2016 · 623
lena k Jun 2016
i have no sanity anymore.
instead, I'm fighting a civil war.
it can't be won.
i can't seem to vent to you.
why should i come to anyone?
why would i come to anyone..
if instead i can just take out my knife..
i hope and pray that maybe someday
my name will no longer mean life.
staying alive is harder than ever now.
oh, i would definitely go to you..
if i knew how.
so instead i just sit here,
waiting on the day..
the day that i'll come to you
with knowledge of the right words to say.
I'm feeling kind of..useless. I honestly don't want to be here..
Jun 2016 · 398
2:36 a.m.
lena k Jun 2016
it's 2:36 a.m.
and falling asleep is no longer an option for me.
how am i supposed to fall asleep when everytime i close my eyes,
you're all i can see?
i'm okay with this, though.
this way, my thoughts are full of you.
but every second of the way,
missing you is all i can do.
i hate that you're asleep now.
because it means i can't hear your voice,
only the replay of yesterday in my head.
but i'd prefer for you to be in my bed right now,
i'll be ontop of you instead.
promise me that you'll never forget me,
nor dare to let me go.
for holding you and kissing you
is all that i'll ever know.
Lord, help me. I miss him so much.
Jun 2016 · 280
they don't understand
lena k Jun 2016
"get over it," they say.
"you're full of it," they say.
"being happy is a choice."
we can only wish it were that way.
we cry each and everyday,
you're just never there to see.
you said you'd always be here,
that's just how it used to be.
you made her biggest nightmare come true,
and it was losing you.
love is weird, heartbreak is weirder.
Jun 2016 · 319
at night
lena k Jun 2016
at night i am the side of me
the side of me that they don't see.
the side of me that's broken as can be.
at night, i see the shadow
the shadow of a scary tree.
now all that scares me are my thoughts
thoughts **** worse than humans do.
depression is caused by just a few.
just a few
look in her eyes.
she's dying inside.
good days are rare.

— The End —