"scene 30 000, take 1"
"AND ACTION"

I imagined us dancing in the Park
right near
while I was looking outside the window
we called each other "dear"
I spun you around
your hand in mine
it was everything but fine
it was magic
not tragic
it was wonderful
not dreadful

your dress healed wounds
as it was spinning around
your eyes shone with youth
so happy I found

save
space

the moon passing by
the stars in the sky

we danced and danced
continuing on

"CUT"

"scene 30 001, take 1"
"AND ACTION"

passing the crosswalk
all in the dark

a car came

I screamed out your name

blood floods
a puddle of shame

death
I checked your breath

we didn't hear the car...

...but I did
silently
watching

eyes looking down
my brain with regret
for all what I said

"CUT CUT CUT"
"TRY TO LET THEM FEEEEEL THE PAIN"
"scene 30 001, take 2"

"ACTION"

little me stares at me
...she knows I'm spying
out of my window
here
her eyes are sad
she was everything she ever had
the body in her hands
a puddle of blood
saying I'm "no good"

my imagination is cruel
I say
it's warning me from hell
but my brain does not know
I want everything I tell

my brain continues on
"let's move on!"
"you don't even like dancing"
"stop crying
before it's called dying"

"CUT"
*sigh

the sky used to mean something
used to feel heavy
when it rained
but now it just drips down glass, slides past a stranger’s eyes at the bus stop
there was a time when color mattered
when blue was a bruise or a breath
now it’s just blue
I try to remember what warmth meant
not the physical, not the sun on skin
the other kind
the hush in a voice, the linger of a glance but it’s gone
or maybe buried under layers of noise
I didn’t ask for news headlines,
forgotten passwords,
unpaid parking tickets
thoughts used to come like rivers, now they’re dust motes caught in a shaft of light only visible for a second, then nothing
I sat in a chair this morning
and forgot why
then forgot that I had forgotten
that felt important somehow
but I didn’t write it down
didn’t care to
even tears feel tired now
they know they won’t mean anything
no one sees them, not even me
I wipe them out of habit
I keep thinking I used to love someone
or something
but the shape of it’s gone,
I'm trying to remember a dream an hour too late
only the weight lingers
not the image
sometimes I laugh
but it’s not laughter
it’s muscle memory
When my my mouth is impersonating a better time
I want to scream
but the scream won’t come
it's just a breath
that never sharpens just fades
and maybe
that’s what I’ve become
not broken
not whole
just fading.

I don’t want to be shaped
by the ideas other people hold of me,
to be desired only as a mirror
for their passions,
a reflection of what they wish to see.

I don’t want to be owned,
stamped with their copyright,
claimed as if I were never mine.

I want to be built
from the bricks I lay myself,
every line carved by my own hand,
with knife and chisel,
with sweat and will.

This body
My body
belonging to me,
body and soul,
whole and complete

Storms are good
They bring life to dying wildlife
Will it do the same to me?

Storms are loud
They wake me in the night
Flashing light in the covered windows
Shocking me into reality

They are vicious
Sideways Winds whistle their secrets
To oblivious ears
Will they take me as their victim?

Let them take me
My reality is not valuable
To anyone.
Electric power seizes
Leaving me with darkness and intrusive thoughts.

Summer starts to end
So does my happiness
Heavy clouds cover the warmth
That I relied on
To keep the depression at bay.

Days and days pass
No relief to speak of
Storms unwilling to leave
Like a toxic partner
Standing by the open door.