Yearbook photos
That time of year where I had to look my "best" for a book that people could look back on and remember insignificant things about each other
Where people would fondly look back at all the people they called best friends
Or where people with bitterness in their hearts angrily cross out the faces of those who did them wrong
Where people scribbled "I love you" and "Have a great summer!" in the inside cover

In middle school, I took a chisel point Sharpie and blacked out the people who I hurt so I didn't have to face them
But the more the pages rubbed together, the more the Sharpie rubbed away, exposing their smiles
So then I glued the pages together so it was like they weren't even there
But the more I thumbed through the book, the more I could feel the thickness of the glue and acknowledged that they were on that hidden page
So, against my mothers wishes, I took it down to the tunnel under the road and burned it
She'd ask if I had it from time to time, and I'd tell her every time that I had left it at school on the last day before summer vacation

The day you showed up
With eyes as bright as the sun
You taught me to love

Showed me forgiveness
When I didn't deserve it
But, my god, you did

You showed me patience
You showed me endless kindness
Showed me true friendship

You've been through so much
And still you endlessly love
With your heart of gold

I hope that someday
I can be as great a friend
As you've been to me

People fall in love everyday, but to me you're just another face
Another place holder to fill the gap
Another cigarette that will eventually be burned away
Another candle to be blown out
Another storm that will be blown away and move on to the next town
It's nothing personal, it's been this way for a while now
And while in your moments you feel everything, I feel nothing
Does that make me a bad person for not feeling the same?
For not wanting to be more than this?
You think there's something wrong with me, I know
But I find comfort in this apathy
It's better this way, to not be attached
It's better for me not to fall in love
Or to see what makes a person special
In fact, I think I'm better at finding what makes a person the same as everyone else
Rather than what makes them different
I'm better at finding reasons not to like a person
It's just easier that way

Sounds of violence
Echo around in my brain
I can't sleep no more

When they all left me
I realized they took away
My reasons to love

Continued to hate
Every ounce of my being
Refusing to love

Why should I love me
When I have destroyed so much
And didn't think once

Now I have no one
Such punishment I deserve
I shall die this way

Nightmare #1
The first nightmare I had after the trauma set in
The one where you bind me to a table so tightly my arms, hands, legs and feet start to tingle
The one where I'm naked and it's cold and I can feel my back and backside pressing very hard against the metal table
It's in a dark room and I can't even see an inch in front of me
But I hear you
I can hear you as you shove open the metal door, screeching on its hinges
I can hear you as your feet drag across concrete
I squirm helplessly, trying to loosen the knots but to no avail
It's dark in here but you are the darkest of it all
A slender tall outline in the darkness, I watch as you tower over me, your menacing spotted sharp toothed grin curling around your face as you puff out a small giggle
Your cold hands craddle my face, I shiver, your long talon like nails dig into my temples. In a soft voice you assure me that it will be over soon.
And then I see the blade
I can't tell if it's a knife, or a razor blade, but it's small and fits into the palm of your hand, and you cradle it like a baby bird dying in your hands
You jab the point into my arms and drag slowly across my flesh
You go deeper and deeper each stroke
This is all you do, is draw a blade across every inch of my skin
I beg for it to stop. I beg for you to let me go, and you insist I have nowhere else to go.
This is my home now.

My vision is like a low quality video in a badly lit room
I'm in a hallway and I hear the sounds of people in what I assume is the living room
I'm holding something; what am I holding?
I make my way to the living room without thought, not by my will
What is going on, I wonder to myself
Then I see you, and her
The panic sets in; it's this dream again
You turn to me and just stare, then she turns
I suddenly am full of rage and fear
I charge
I open my mouth to shout, to tell you to get out of here
No sound comes out
Next thing you know you're screaming and pinned beneath me
I'm sobbing again
There's blood all over the wall. I don't know where it came from
I look to my hand; I'm wielding a knife
As I plunge it into you and she screams behind me, a scream tears through my gritted teeth
"I can't stop this. Please stop this!"

Your lifeless beneath me
I choke on a sob
And turn to her
My sobbing settles and there's silence between us
Then the giggling begins
The giggling drags on for a few minutes, then escalates quickly into a shrieking laugh
I charge again
Then darkness

All my friends have left me, and they're not  looking back
probably for the best, so I can swallow this bullet in peace
I hope that when it happens, they have cut all ties from me
That way I won't hurt them again
These nights are endless
I find myself dreaming of them
Mocking me with the good times
I can taste the sorrow on the back of my tongue