my eyes beg to be shut but my mind
has stapled them open. Poison oak
from two months ago now, burns
as my nails rip into it, soothe it.
The fan rumbles ever on, my feet down
from the mountain, my bruises
remarking subtly of my struggle.
I'd **** for a sleep spell, but I'm just
a ***** muggle. Huddled up with pillows as my cuddle buddy. For ****'s
sake, let me sleep, let me sleep, let me
sleep.........love me?

someone once told me,
"you're not one for drinking"
but there's a beer in my hand
because I've gotten sick of thinking
rather wake up with a twist
in my stomach
Oh, how was I to know
that highschool holds heartbreak
how was I to know
that college does too
no one ever told me
that home is not a place
it's a feeling inside you
which sometimes gets erased
these words taste sour
let's face it
I'm
hurting

I fall in love
with people that fall
out of reach
my hands grasping
fighting to hold
that which can't be held
fleeting brushes of hope
that, over the years, hold
my heart down
and dry up my tears
to make those around me
nothing but ghosts
I'm caught up in
loving
I'm caught up in
loving

ashes from spliffs,
smoked at night to
make me water spilling
off a cliff,
waft in the breeze
that is me.
crumpled papers crunch
underneath bare feet,
deceased trees smothered
in new meanings.
empty six packs stack,
cardboard towers guarding
against attack,
old bags, newspaper ads,
a half-full coffee cup
stands tall by the entry,
waiting for commands,
sacrificed to dispel sleep,
towels lay thrown in corners
with acted malice
an attempt to practice
being callus.
this in no apartment
it is a
trash palace.

my scars ache
thin, raised lines
on my right thigh
run like railroad tracks
crossing maps

a little crease
on the third digit
of my index finger
speaks with more conviction
than some people

the one growing out
from the corner
of my left eye
a permanent squint mark
like a part of me is
always laughing

the fresh burn on my
shoulder, feeling bolder
the word "older" seeping
under my skin

my scars ache
thin raised lines
run like railroad tracks
crossing maps

do they come back?
      do they ever
                   come
                         back?

Wicked forms
dark as dark can be
in count of
one more than three
leave me
leave me
I've been haunted
enough

this last week
has me toasted and beat
sweatpants, same **** sweat shirt,
untied shoes on my feet
I dreaded every time I had go out
and cried with joy
each time I was back
in my
sheets

I watched videos
that made it through my operating system's
up date
some got lost in the crunch and grind
but a few slipped through
I look happy in the ones recorded for you
but click over one or two
and I seem worn, dilapidated
now I'm incapacitated
it feels like I used up all my romantic love
in a two year span
like after all my sweetness expired is when
I grew into a man
after all, the girls that came after
slowly morphed into women
and the relations I had fell short
of stable
now I reject the label "boyfriend"
I don't make promises because
I don't believe I'll keep them
the last time I held hands
and actually felt warmth
I think I was drunk
and helping someone up
who had fallen
her heel broke, almost did a face plant
I felt sorry and accompanied her home
she babbled and tried to pull me inside
I said
"No"
not because I didn't like her
or want her
I just didn't want to be
haunted by my lack of devotion
someone please come along
set the gears of my machine heart
back in motion
or better yet
turn the cogs back into muscle tissue
change the cables into veins
replace the gasoline
with real pumping blood
so I can once again
feel my heart jump
at the smell of a perfume
a touch
a voice
please
make me
human

has it abandoned me?

the street was my mattress
the sky my sheets,
dreaming of a car roaring
and squishing me
but for all my honesty
still death I cheat
I want to leave.
please Reaper, please
ride your midnight stead
scythe over shoulder
dead flame and worn teeth
grab hold my shoulder
split the earth
pull me under
split the earth
let me sleep

I don't even have words
We crested a mountain
In down pours and
60 mph winds
now I'm home
Wrapped in clothes
and blankets
full of
memories

Why haven't I
been able to feel
like I did on
October 29, 2010
is it because
that date is still
engrained
in me?