There is a sore,
from where cigarette butts
slightly rub
as ash is flicked into the air,
on the side of my
index finger
how much smoke has engulfed my lungs?
there's one when I wake up
one on the way to work
one during break
one on my way back home
one after the shower
then one every half hour
forty five minutes, tops
oh ****
why can't I
stop

Splash
right in a puddle
someone passing, befuddled, asked,
"Why?"
"Because there is a
little kid inside me
with sparkling blue eyes
and ten years till his parents divorce
while his best friend dies,
he jumped in puddles,
when the water sprays to my sides
for about three seconds
he is still
alive."

consistent
kisses on lips
hands on hips
***, cuddling
hugs drawing me near
have all been absent
for over a
year

I wish you could see me now
how much happier I've become
I wish you could see the time
Tony and I drunkenly fire extinguished
the whole third floor
or when I hiked Bishops
and smiled over the world
I wish you could see every day
as I experience flow in the work place
running to and fro
busy but enjoyment spread over my face
I wish you could see me working out
with Kyle and Brian
pushing eachother to our limits
I wish you could see all this
so you'd know
all the things you could
have lived
but instead
you
missed

Walking home through the first rain
since the start of an unexpected drought
soaked to the soul by the song
the drops sang across the road
standing tall, stout, despite the cold
peeled off watery clothes
dove into a blanket sea
storm blown seaweed hair
with anchor pillows
to keep me from
drifting

We sat late into the night
cross-legged on a table
brushing what little light
had the guts to reach out
toward the dark.
although the beams
didn't quite illuminate
her face
the stars made it
easy to see
her heart

"Hey man, like your hair."
Hours later I'm bare
and in bed
wine up in my
head
I have so much
love to share
but it's wasted
on birds
sitting alone
atop an electrical wire
my eyes that see
the beauty in everything
slowly expire
till the mirror
tells me
"You're nothing"
naked in my bed
wishing for
something

Tell me sweet nothings
I'm yours
for the night
tell me sweet something's
I'm yours
till the end of
time

A lifetime ago
when the moon was full
and I wasn't a fool
the streets would lick
the soles of my feet
as the stars winked down
my shoulders

older now
dead me's buried
under moon beams
grave stones carved
1993 - 2000
2001 - 2005
2006 - 2009
2010 - 2013
and lastly
2014 -
The last date unfinished
waiting on
this me to
become
deceased

I watched
my pops cry
in the middle
of a restraunt
apologizing,
heard my mom
scream at the sky
why, why, why

Now I've done both
had the tears on my face
and the yells in my throat
and it makes me wonder
when they were younger
did they think
about the same things
as
me?

I swiffer the fake wood floors
using the handle as a microphone
tearing up the stage in my own home
for the first time in a few years
I don't feel that I've grown one bit
I spit out every lyric
like I'm sixteen and stupid
buying her those tulips
then the song ends
and I'm
almost twenty-one
again

tracing my veins
wondering
which side of this brain
is chemically imbalanced
which side houses talents
I haven't trained
people praise my writing
and some songs
that I have made
but none of it seems
all that great
they haven't gotten me
less poor
or less bored
just a little less
ignored
but when I trace
my veins
I think that
is
enough

Everyone's caught on
humans try to
play god
who doesn't exist

Who needs heavenly
voices
when you can get a
text message
from yourself
the day after you dropped
acid
that reads,
"cherish these moments
be happy as a component
in a world made of
patterns"

Maybe when I die
they'll jettison  my body
out past Saturn
so I can escape from
this atmosphere
of looming endings
and juvenile fears

I believe in the cosmos
where no one has
a throne
or a bigger house to
not call a home

out in the asteroids
wealth doesn't matter
neither does gender
or whose abs are flatter
I hope when
I'm drifting
that my spirit doesn't shatter
like the plates I dropped
staring in the mirror

Seeing myself
through the eyes
of someone who loves me
my fingers dusty
from the space debris
created by my
body

I get caught in my own webs
failure designs drawn in my head
put down in full color
no more
no more
they jump from blue prints
to actions
to my lapse in intuition
but lucky for me
I never finish anything
I never finish
I never
I

content
with
loneliness

I left,
she slept
in my bed,
dropped a note
on the desk,
"Thanks for
the night
you'll be gone
when I'm off
here's hoping
we're still
friends"

I was told
to never succumb
to her influence
but she wrapped me up
in a fairy land
where everything made sense,
whispered out the sweetest
words,
bestowed upon me
the perfect chords,
then dropped me gently
from the clouds
to a soft bed of
grass
safety nestled on the
ground

Someone to
lay in bed with
listening to
Red, Red Wine
lip syncing
dramatically
to every
line

If you could live
twice
you'd spend your entire
second life
trying to relive
the
first

Sometimes
a push or pull
on your heart strings
knocks you over,
empty.
curling up and
disappearing
is tempting,
but you are made
from water
pour
yourself
full

"You're cute!"
jumped off the walls
of the ally
"Except you're smoking
a cigarette so now
you aren't"
unbelievably
my spirits were raised
till she stumbled
into a car
with a drunk
driver

if there is a
crash
I hope she becomes
a
survivor

In

o
u
t

s l o w l y

.
.
.
now
breathe

a
g
a
i
n

Don't view this
as a permanent removal
of my being from
the world
but more like a
promotion
I'm okay

For my family
I'm sorry.
There is no blame
dropped on you
don't wreck yourselves
with grief
the belief that your actions
brought about my fall
are misguided
not what I want
at all
For my friends
I love you all
to the sweet end
for this is not bitter
but better
I cherished every moment
we lived together
For my brother
go on to achieve
more than you think
you can
and if you ever get
discouraged
don't worry
you have a secured spot
as coolest brother ever
in the heart of this
dead man

Coward
will be the word
left after all
good memories
fade
I'm sorry I departed
so yellow bellied
believe me
I tried
I
tried

The comic twists
are too much for this
fleshy vessel
I've punched my ticket
for the last time
don't cry for me
or hold guilt in your heart
because when my last
breath left
I finally felt
fine

I am the
tippy tops of mountains
and the lowest folds
of valleys
sometimes my emotions
practically scrape the sky
other times they fall
so deep
I could die

Your smile's liked a syringe
you melt me down
then it ***** me in
injected in to
your deepest vein
so I can sit in your brain

I hope I'm addictive
that you can't live without me
it may sound selfish
I'm tired of being selfless
don't doubt me

If I get no gifts
I'll be fine
because I spent the night
with my brother
having a grand
'ol
time

I guzzled down a cigarette
even though I "quit"
three weeks in
had me going strong
four weeks had me sayin'
"****, nothing makes sense"
along with a favorite song
one slip turned into
a repeat
bad habit

Electronic beep
signaled the beginning
words rushed past my teeth
pulsing with hope
as my heart stood tall
but three days
sloshed by
with no return
call

I'm constantly tortured
by the thought
that I am an orchard
where the trees forgot
how to grow

I sew the seeds
but there's no
fruit or leaves
to show
that I've
grown

Her head tilted
every so slightly
after the question
settled
as if it had been
too
long

It's high time
I drown my pride
open up these
ocean eyes
let the rays
shine inside

my slit throat
no longer groans
my own hands
have forged this
hope
from broken bones
to newfound
growth

Centered,
a *** on the wheel
spun by some
unkown power.
Let this
galactic energy
shape me into
something
magnificent

There are places
on my skin that
have been carved out
or in
I can't remember
getting all of them
so I am sure to
remind these forgotten marks
they will always
mean something to me
even if I wear a few
more proudly
than the
rest

Weary fog
leans on my shoulders
world holders,
bears down
creeping into my
soul
this is it
my wings need to
grow

Sometimes I wish
for a different place
where my memories
have been drained
you can tell my friends
and family it's better
where I am
wiped clean,
an empty
slate
.

The end of the semester
draws nearer
I've been feeling bolder
since I shaved my hair
Maybe the past week
has made me older
or there is something in
the air
but I'm ready
to dare ask a question
I haven't proposed
in
years

4:30
awoken by
something unseen,
unheard
but felt
starting with my
extremities
chilling tingle that engulfed
and slithered over my skin
sinking deeper to
lick my bones
turn me to stone
chisel apart all
that I encompass
then eclipse final moments
whispering me back
to the
ground I was
born from

A messy mind
creates the best
thoughts
lost in Orion's Belt
melted, molded
chest heavy
like an iron
cross
there is not
but wonder
born from my
visions
a frozen *****
due to
defrost

A pink shock
cooled by the turquoise
laying underneath
paint drops
flicked to a fro
revealing road ****
wonder
and a lava sky
Hold still
unravel your mind
So many questions
starting with,
"I like the pink hair,
Why?"