To the you I will never see,

Here I am sitting trying to make sense. Unable to fathom the world, unwilling to accept; how is it possible that I am grieving the loss of a soul I have never met? We have been waiting for you, J. Our excitement buzzing in the air, spilling past our lips, decorated in laughter, song, and words of love. We were waiting to see you, love. As the days turned into weeks, our joy bubbled over. We were counting down the days we could finally hold you in our arms, take your little hand and hold it tight, never letting go. We were counting down the moments when you would finally light up our days with your presence. We were waiting to experience all your firsts with you. We were waiting to shower you with all the love you deserve.

My dear, J, we were waiting for you. We were waiting to see if you would be as strong as your father, love as tenderly as your mother, and be the light of hope in our days. Love, you are a gift.

I know Heaven gained another angel today, J. Perhaps God didn’t want to let go of His precious one, so He decided to call you back home early. Perhaps you were too pure for this world, J. You were too lovely to be marred and tainted by this broken world. My dear, J, you have never met me, but know that I love you. I love you with the kind of love that I never knew existed. I love you, I love you, I love you. I will see you soon at Home, angel.

Love always,

Forever your A.

I fell in love
with you
the same way
I fell in love
with words:
slow
unsuspecting
unyielding.

Last night I woke up
to cold sheets
on your side of the bed

I realized
I may never love someone
the way that
I love you
and that is okay,

that is okay,

that

is

okay.

We had the kind of love
that poets write about
you and I

Years ago on that winter day
I gave you a part of my heart
I walked away with what remained of it

Till our paths decide to intertwine
once more
I will love you
from a distance

Speak love
onto your skin
Breathe life
into your bones

There are galaxies
within you
waiting
to unfold

Break open
your light

The first time I ever looked into your eyes, and I mean really looked, I saw a future. I fell into a pool of baby blues, singing sweet tunes of tomorrow, while I drank up the seemingly eternal summer reflected in your eyes. They spoke of promises of forever, lives intertwined underneath the sun, our happily ever after.

When you looked into my eyes, and I mean really looked, you got lost in your version of forever. Swirls of dark chocolate enticing you to come closer, taste, see, feel a world you had never before ventured. You told me you loved them, and I yours. While I sank deeper into your blues, you fell for my dark browns. Mine spoke of promises of eternity: growing old together, cozy and safe in our happily ever after.

Tell me, did you see a future, too? I saw my summer, and you saw your fall. Maybe, just maybe, for a second in our versions of forever, we found our missing pieces.

Summer went away as fast as he came. Fall was fleeting in her beauty and existence. Winter settled soon after: long and harsh in its nature. Summer lost his glimmer. Fall lost her spark. Winter came to drown them both in heavy, unrelenting blankets of ice. Where did our forever go? Did it only last till the seasons changed? Perhaps we were both wrong.

The blues that once shone turned to ice. The dark chocolate that once told stories of warmth turned to dust. Tell me now, how was it possible that whenever I wept, I shed tears of blue? It never made sense to me how fall could rain in blue.

It’s funny how years later, the very last time I looked into your eyes, and I mean really looked – my favorite color, my favorite place to get lost, once upon a time my forever summer – all I could see were fragments of our past, broken forever.

To be a woman of the sun means to have a smile that ceases to fade, eyes that shine even in the darkest nights, and a heart that burns with passion. Unapologetic and unashamed in existence. I have given myself permission to be her. Go ahead. Wear that confidence like second skin.

Truly, what a beautiful thing it is to finally realize you have always been enough.

Love, be at rest.
When was the last time you said that to yourself?