Does she know?
that my heart throbs
at the sound of her ignorance
her mind,
her unforgiving inferno
scarring me with each self-serving word
spitting blame upon my naked soul
justifying her sadistic superiority
guilt's eating at my spine
tissue of tranquility
ripped from my body
paralysed by shame
powerless to her crooked finger of accusation
my defensive glaciers of redemption
melting down into her ocean of allegation
shelter of speech dissolving into doubt
mouths mirroring guns
both pointed at me
lips move in sync
insecurity rewires retaliation
I do not recognise my reflection
am I battling this woman of manipulation
or I am simply demolishing my self-worth
I'm unsure of what I've done
but I feel it in my sickly bones
it most definitely was wrong
must be my fault
must be
my fault.

she knows.

Weekends blur together,
into unfathomable disgusting pleasure
alcohol captures my throat in its hands,
burning in the most pleasant way
smoke is my new oxygen
I inhale greedily
waiting for my eyes to redden
and my mind to split open
spilling all its contents into my body,
into my blood thirsty heart.

A park, a house, a beach,
I can't tell the difference.
Raging hormones clawing at the bodies surrounding
flesh against flesh
wanting, searching
for a new obsession
to burn out the infestation of another lover
the one time encounter of two empty shells
hoping to be filled with something other than dread.

Its unavoidable,
the cold reality of what it really is.
Meaningless.
But still our hearts hunt for purpose,
and I feel every vibration of desire surround me
dozens of developing disasters
hungry for more than what's given
more than the guidelines
it engulfs me.

I'm just another alcoholic statistic
part of a generation willingly destroying ourselves
just to feel something,
other than the seat we're permanently stuck to
and the desk we're forever trapped under
uselessly typing on a computer we can never look away from
for the rest of our pointless existence
stuck in a miserable cycle
of losing
but never obtaining.

The fine line
between
fresh starts
and running away
blur together,
melting into
a new kind of sadness
that is not sad at all
just
warmly
desolate
and
bitterly
disconnected.

i haven't had hope
since i was just a young girl
innocent and inexperienced.
But when you smile
teeth like sculptures
lips like lust
centuries of insecurity
seem like only seconds
past lovers
are finally past.
And when i hear your voice
deep like my wounds
thick with want
i can't help
but lose myself in your adoration
Still, I'm scared
so scared
when i wake in your bed
you'll pack the last pieces of my heart
in that old wrinkled guitar case
and leave
like all the others.

******* truth,
sour and sweet.
I lick your lies
the bittersweet myth
that falls from your lips.
I let you mislead me,
so you can feel less guilty
for misusing my flesh and bones
so you can feel pleasure.
silly boy.
too naive to realise
i know you feel nothing for me.
To these simple minded lovers
i have never been a person
all i am
is a hole to ****,
and a lemon to squeeze dry.
However
Vapid romancers
often forget
that with the sweetness of citrus
comes the sour cry.

I think of the days
That I woke in those cardboard beds
Not knowing how I’d gotten there
The nurse’s pity filled stares
Burnt a hole in my chest
I remember
What that lump in my throat was made of
Something bitter
Something cruel
Guilt
I felt guilty
Not for consuming
The drugs
The drinks
The pills
I felt guilty for wasting their time.

We drove our cars side by side,
always steady but not too slow.
All of a sudden you sped up
and I watched as you
fled from my dependance.
Without warning
you swerved
and you smashed
into my car
with so much force
i couldn't breathe.
your mistake pinned my car
against a pole of regret,
the smoke of shame
forced its way down my throat
and shards of sharp words
impaled my body.
your love trapped me
my doors sealed shut by misery
if you had just reversed
I'd be free
from this twisted metal cage of suffering
instead
you took one look at the mess we made
unbuckled your seatbelt of lies
opened your door of deception
stood and watched
as i succumbed to the death of our relationship.
I struggled helplessly
to reach out
as you simply chuckled
and walked away.

I was angry at the list,
Of disorders I supposedly had
I hadn’t known at the time
The list would grow
Like the weeds in my garden
Infesting my life
And like a daisy
My petals would droop
Then wilt
Then rot
Until I was nothing more
Than an ugly stem