The pen
is not your friend
But you don't know that yet

You sit
clenched fist
looking nowhere
mind
going everywhere
or drawing
a blank

You've clenched
your fist
too tight

Blood is never blue
but if it were
it might look like this

Rivers cascading
down to your wrist
the ink
finding a home
in the crevices
of your hand

Your pen is not flying
the page is not splattered
with overeager writing

Instead
you're left with
a sticky hand
and a mess
to clean up

I either remember
Far too much
Or far too little
And there is no
In between

I turned your letter away from me
I can no longer see the content.
All I have
Is a shell of your words
That I hope
to throw out
some day

She makes it through the day
and then she gets scared again

He took my words and laughed at them
as if they were a joke
as if my inner workings
and my inner hurting
was the funniest thing

He took my words and laughed at them
wilting me inside
I worked so hard
to make them alive
and he smashed them
to smithereens

He took my words and laughed at them
this poem is my revenge

He says he wants to be
A melody

But I think
I’m living
As a verse

I know exactly
How we died
Because I
Was the one
That killed us

I wonder
if she too
is looking at
the moon

But I’m pretty sure
no one
is wondering
about me

The flowers
in his heart
are grey
and wilted

He is looking
for someone
to water them
again

She said
that we
Were mean

She was right

I'm sorry

I need you to tell me that I’m okay
I need you to tell me there’s hope
I need you to tell me that I’ll get better
I need you to tell me I’m not hopeless
I need you to tell me you will help me

With my broken soul
A star split in half and shattered

I need you to tell me that I’ll get through this

There are good bubbles
and there are bad bubbles

the good ones come
at an engagement
a promotion
a finishing

the bad ones
are the ones inside me
all the time

i am drowning in a bathtub
that is far too deep

You know your brain is collapsing
when you doubt your doubt
when you are uncertain about uncertainty

I am supposed to "embrace the uncertainty"
but how can I embrace it
if I don't even know if it is
uncertainty
at all

This is beyond
what is not
Death and Taxes
this is beyond
that beyond
because you don't know
if the doubts
are even true
if they're even you

at all

There is no escape
From your mind
You cannot throw it away
No matter how much I want to

I say the thoughts out loud
for that is the only way to end them
to make them disappear

they are the maybes
the unknowns

I am exposed to
the worst parts of my brain

Day in
and day out

Until they go away

where
is the there
that i'm supposed

to get to

i think i've lost the map

I take her name because it is other names
of those who I admire
who I love

I take her name now because
of her
I can no longer name
my child that name

I take her name
Because it allows me
to be
a person
who is better than me

It allows me
to pretend
I am her