Loneliness is craving love from a person you know isn't right for you because nobody else is around.
It's wondering what it feels like to feel at home and secure in someone else's arms, and if that feeling can truly really exists forever.  
It's choosing men with darkened lives because their dependency brings you a selfish feeling of permanence and safety.
It's a gut wrenching and sick feeling seeping into your bones when you are held with pure and genuine tenderness because you can taste the closeness of your expiration more than sweetness in the moment.  
It's keeping the weak and fearful girl locked and imprisoned within the core of your heart, thinking that it is the only way to exude perfection, while only further losing yourself in the process.
It's missing out on yet another chance of revealing your wounds, and letting someone truly sit beside you and accept you, because you took too long, and no one waits forever.
It's allowing for others to take advantage and treat you poorly, because your self worth runs shallow.
It's asking suitor after suitor what trait it is within you that they find most endearing, and the response is always superficial, making you disappointingly wonder why no one can see what is in your heart and mind
It's dwindling further and further away from God unintentionally and missing the serenity and peace He once brought to your soul.
It's gazing into the eyes of your unborn child and wondering what that moment of motherhood will feel like -when you're looked at innocently for protection and unconditional endless love
It's realizing that whoever my life long companion will be, will not be the one who is responsible for filling these gaps
It's wondering how I am going to win this battle against myself in a cold and lonely world to feel like a stronger and confident women deserving of the beauty and sweetness life has to offer.

for years I have felt of stone
pale, grey-veined marble untouched by bare hands
separated by barriers tangible and otherwise

my skin was lusting for the heat of humanity
I missed you the way a stillborn misses the intake of breath
until the day you invited me into your bed and
took a chisel to my heart and head

these cracks run deep

you can be found in the magma below my belly button
the pure pumice coming from between my lips
I may have jagged ridges with the power to cut
because I am viscous yet

may you dance through these fractures like water and soften my edges

The fire turned into an angry fire,
even if the flames were not yet visible.
Our love got dark and indistinguishable,
beneath the volumes of smoke towering above.
Yet,
the fire did not come that day.
Only the smell of it,
and the sight of smoke.
The sky,
bright yellow.
I saw it coming.
I saw us breaking apart.
Did you?
As the sky gets even yellow,
i felt more and more threatened.
Your fingers interwined with mine,
we ran.
We ran from the savage destruction that was now almost visible.
Then you let go.
You let go to save yourself.
As the air thicken,
and flames flutter from branches,
flowers crackling,
everything we built together,
burnt into bare earth.
I remembered you promised,
for better or for worse.
This is my worse alright,
but you promised.
Where are you now?
You know what's worse?
I'd never leave you behind.
I'd grab your hand tighter,
and we'd run together.
And when serendiptous victory is ours,
we'll rebuild.
We'll plant seeds again.
But you ran.
You ran away.
But the worst part is,
I won't blame you.

(FAH)

Sweat out the best of me,
them lessons are bruises on my collarbones,
I am starving, hungry for the answers
searching for the right reasons
and the wrong women to share my nights with,
synthetic synonyms and rosary beads around my neck
kiss your letters off into the wind,
these apologies are nothing but repetitive

I remember the first time he called me beautiful.

I laughed because I thought he was joking.

How innocent we were,

so naïve, not knowing that one kiss can change a whole relationship.

I remember as the months turned to years,

And the beautifuls became more persistent,

Yet I still laughed because I knew nothing could happen.

I remember that fateful night when fear paralyzed me

And he brought me back to life.

I was frozen in my fear

And he came to my rescue with one passionate kiss.

I remember the weeks that followed

And the fun we had as our new romance began.

I remember the thrill as we fought to keep our romance a secret,

Sneaking from the kitchen to the hallway

And from the bedroom to the car.

I remember how my heart leaped to my throat when the first person called me out on us.

I was so scared to hear the disappointment, but it never came.

I remember the joy I felt with every look and touch from him.

The passion we had for one another was overwhelming.

I was living in a blissful state of naïveté.

I remember the day my ignorance turned into mistrust

because of a person I thought was my friend.

Then I scream and shut down my mind because I can't handle the pain.

So again I remember the first time you called me beautiful.