Everything matters
It all matters
Nothing is irrelevant
Nothing insignificant
Everything counts
Even the slightest movement
Or gesture
Changes the present
And creates the future

The slightest doubt
The quietest and tiniest of thoughts
The briefest of smiles
The blink of an eye
A card that is sent
The nod of a head
A sigh
A frown
They all count
Everything matters
It all matters

This day
Represents
A tiny droplet
In the eternal
Sea
Of time

One life
Encapsulated
In one body
Glows
And pulses
Expressing itself
In myriad ways

A bright light
Dazzling to the eye
Glittering
Sparkling
And then
Gone

Extinguished
Disappeared
Back
Into the sea
Of Eternity

Resting
Waiting
To re-emerge
And glow
Once again

Why not make this year,
A truly great year?

Why not make this life
The happiest I can?

Why not do the things
I so want to do?

Why not?
Why not?

Why not choose to live
In a winning way?

Why not laugh off doubts
And stick my neck out?

Why not go for dreams
Wholeheartedly?

Why not?
Why not?

Why not forget
The pains of the past?

Why not imagine
Great successes ahead?

Why not discover
Who I truly am?

Why not?
Why not?

Why not say great things
Of myself and my friends?

Why not treat each life
With the greatest respect?

Why not write a script
That's unique and magnificent?

Why not?
Why not?

Why not sing
At the top of my voice?

Why not delight
At the stars up above?

Why not play
Like a child in a dream world?

Why not?
Why not?

A piece of a favourite puzzle
Has slipped beneath our floorboards
No matter what we do
We just can’t bring it back

It’s strange to think
That it will sit
Just beyond our reach
For years and years
And years
Long after I draw my final breath

I’m sorry tiny puzzle piece
You’ll never be reunited
With your brothers and sisters

Never more will you join them
Side by side to reveal a bigger picture

To me you represent
A tiny mishap in the grand scheme of things
In its own small way, this loss has become
Part of the universe’s great disorder

To those suffering the terror of war
I wish you strength and hope

To those suffering displacement
I wish you safe passage to a better life

To those suffering poverty
I wish you nourishment and relief

To those suffering illness
I wish you comfort and healing

To those suffering anxiety and stress
I wish you confidence and ease

To those suffering loss
I wish you companionship and connection

To those suffering misfortune
I wish you resilience and fresh opportunity

To those suffering heartbreak
I wish you courage and warmth

To those lost in the darkness
I wish you light and hope

Let’s make 2016 a year of joy for all

Optimist
In the midst of chaos
You open up pathways
To a brighter future

Optimist
When all others depart
Looking for safety
Smiling, you set to work

Optimist
You are never defeated
You always continue
Braver than the fiercest enemy

Optimist
The words you speak
Are fresh and fragrant
Like the purest of roses

Optimist
Though some think you crazy
Sneer and call you dreamer
It’s you who change everything

Optimist
You stand alone
Inspiring fresh hope
You are the victor

Optimist
You believe the impossible
And then make it possible
Rousing brave hearts, to realise peace

Friend
Are you there?
Can you hear me
This evening?

Friend
Are you listening?
Do you read
My thoughts?

Friend
It is dark
As I write
On this paper

Friend
A dim lantern
Lights up
My dark soul

Friend
No angels
Respond
To my questions

Friend
Are you with me
Or do I travel
Alone?

Friend
I cry out
For an end
To all war

Friend
Will you tell me
What ist
You wish for?

Memories
Of happier times
Seem to pull
My head
Backwards

I’m caught between
Nobody
And
Everybody

If I separate
Totally
I will have
Nothing to work with

And sitting alone
With no one
To bounce off
To respond to
To plan with
To thrive for
Is pointless

To truly break free
Deciding to live
Fully

Is a risk

Many will tell you
What to do
How to live
Toe the line!
Step in time!

But to stand
Alone
Is tough
I am discovering this
Every day

Eat less chocolate?
Give up caffeine?
Exercise?
Learn a new skill?
Give up meat?
Get a new job?
Spend less?
Earn more?
Go to bed earlier?
Stop drinking?
Stop smoking?
Spend more time with the family?
Live healthier?
Live longer?
Say ‘Thank you’ more?
Be braver?

Yes
Be braver

I realise
That I don’t quite belong
That I don’t fit
A certain kind of lifestyle

I am different now

I am uncertain about many things

I only know myself well enough
To know that I am not who I was
And not who others thought I would become

What I am doing is waiting
To find out who I am
And who I will become in the future

I am aware that I don’t fit
Into any of the usual boxes

And if that makes it difficult to cast me
In any of the existing parts

Then, so be it

I expected nothing
And from that I gained something
You expected everything
You did not get what you wanted

They expected nothing
And somehow they gained their freedom
Others expected everything
The people disappointed them

They changed their expectations
And re-inforced their disappointment
The people lived in reality
And created a community

Leaders expected something
They became disappointed
The people lived true
The people lived true

Do not fear
The dawn
Of a new beginning

Life
Will inspire
New growth of the heart

If you feel broken
Don’t worry
You’re human

A great store of wisdom
Lies in every moment

Seeking a new path
And giving to others

Will unlock your nature
And renew
The self

Breaking through obstacles
Towards a new future

Brighter than ever
Imagined before

Planning each detail
No stone left unturned

A Dance with an  
Unknown potential begins

Sadness abandoned
And fresh hope arising

Live how you wish
And be who you are

Warrior
You fight for meaning
Live for justice
Celebrate life

Warrior
Your life is a flower
A ray of hope
Encouraging all

Warrior
You fight depression
Defeat anxiety
Banish inertia

Warrior
You bid ‘Welcome!’
To life’s true joy
And all are with you

Warrior
You battle illness
Defeating all sorrow
Extinguishing doubt

Warrior
You open the door
Bringing all peoples
Into your home

Warrior
You cure all illness
Bring peace to the world
Eliminate war

Warrior
You live for others
You are yourself
You die triumphant

Soft is this morning
Quiet my bones
Slow my heart beat

An empty space
Rests
Before my sunken eyes

Wait
My spirit
Flutters

Gentle is this morning
It demands nothing of me
Simply begs the question
What will you make of me?

Methodical clock
Beating out seconds
Your hands are driven
Only by energy
Time is not your measure

Energy

Gifted to me
By the universe
To do
To be
Human

Energy
Borrowed from eternity
To do
To be
Human

Energy
I place
Here and there

Infectious
To others

Wandering

Here and there

Red
Bed
Lead
Head

Gob
Rob
Sob
Mob

Flit
Fit
Bit
Writ

Ooze
Cruis­e
Choose
Lose

Glut
****
Rut
Mutt

Ace
Race
Space
Face

Haze
Craz­e
Daze
Maze

Crump
****
Dump
Slump

Wipe
Ripe
Snipe
Tripe

Dub
Gr­ub
Tub
Hub

Gnaw
Draw
Flaw
Saw

Gape
Ape
Tape
Vape

Lick
Sick
Nic­k
Pick

Flop
Plop
Drop
Mop

Age
Rage
Sage
Page

Bend
Tend
Mend
En­d

I can’t help thinking
Of a man
That I pass

He sits
Growing iller
Each day that goes by

His skin grows more mottled
His hair
Turning Greyer

And yet
He still greets me
Each time I walk past

What is his goal?
What it his mission?
And what of mine?
What of mine?

He is homeless
I am a worker
He sits quietly
As I rush on past

Perhaps we are brothers
Eternally connected?
Yet he grows cold
As I fill my belly

I can’t help but question
This world that we share
My smile is empty
His is warm

He touches more people
Than I do most likely
And bids them good morning
As they walk on by

What is the answer
To such a strange riddle?
Who is the fool
In this game of life?

What if we swapped
If just for a second
Would his smile
Turn as empty as mine?

Would he be happy
To feel warm
And be comfortable?

Would I be lost
Watching people
Go by?

World
Of
Distraction

Created
Invented

Innocuous
Daggers
To *****
The soul

A million
Distractions
Distracting
The living

Swarms
Of
Minutiae
To Fill
The Hole

Thousands
Of
Images
Fluttering
Dancing

Meaningless
Marketing
Slowly
Osmosed
­
Pulsing
Like
Waves
On
A Tidal
Emotion

Keeping
My dreamscapes
Firmly
At Bay

Distracting
Distractions
I follow
A piper

Follow
Wherever
The melody
Floats

Distracting
Distractions
So soft
And
Persistent

Gently
You
Wrestle
The hours
Away

Broken sleep
Sweating
Troubles
Shouting

Self flagellation
Professional
Life

Great propulsion
Modern day greed

Perspiration
Shouting
Broken sleep

Friendship
Laughter
Love
Kindness

Strangers
Lovers
Passio­n
***

Two nails
Driven
Through
Troubled childhood

Cysts
Twisting
Aching
Burst

Liberty
Marriage
Brotherhood
Death

Control
Comfort
Softness
Care

Inequ­ality
Separateness
Loneliness
Dread

Sadness
Despair
Aching
Spend­

Bitter
Regret
Hope
Grunt

Broken sleep
Perspiration
Troubles
Shouting

21st Century
Luxury
Living

21st Century
Living
Death

In the now
Enjoying the moment
Awaiting the future
Letting it come
Not trying to change it
Dancing with it
Happily
In the now

In the now
Watching the weather
Marvelling at birds
Flying
Gazing at sky
In myself
Prepared
For living
In the now

In the now
Fearless
Grounded
Available
To myself
Enjoying
The journey
Finding my way
Working things through
In the now

In the now

It’s counter
To flow

Stronger
Than feelings

Unseen
Yet energetic

Borne
From the mind

Invisible
To the eye

Pushes
One forward

Changes
All things

Even time
Itself

It creates
New patterns

New possibilities
For living

It’s in me
In you

Waiting
waiting

If I were to care
More
It would hurt

If I were to care
Less
I would go numb

If I were to hide away
From pain
I would grow pale

If I were to run
From people
I would grow old

If I were to love you
I would become scarred

If I were to hate you
I would fill with holes

If I were to leave you
I would have to start over

I’d be left
Staring at myself

A mayfly lives
But one day

Flying
Dancing

Loving
Dying

All in a single
Day

O Fortune
Like the moon
You are changeable

Pounding waves  
Force apart
The sturdy doors
Of my heart

To wash away
This heavy cloak of fatigue

Strength shines
Like a rock

Immutable

Heave **!

Sound the battle cry!

For the love of fellow man

It’s late
Another day
Draws to its conclusion

I wonder
Did I really live today?
Was I really there?

My body
May have moved
From one place
To the next

People
Passed in front of me
And I passed in front of them

I existed and traveled
From the
Light of the day
Into
The Darkness
Of the Evening
Was I really there?
Was it really me?
What did I give?
What did I learn?

Another
Day
Another precious day
Has passed

And I am alive
Incredible

Incredible
Another
Day

I am discovering
That my history
Does not sit comfortably

I wonder
Why good things
Don’t always prevail

I search
I travel

This way
That way

Gathering morsels
Of information

To try to weave a crown
For my own head

I am working
Always working
Reaching out
For meaning

And yet I am restless
Anxious

Unhappy with
My partially formed thoughts

Worried that my crown
Will be false

What is it about a human
That makes them great?

Living with the past?
Living with oneself?

Learning to live with others?

No-one
Can take
My mind
Away from me

It is mine

My thoughts
Are
Mine

Original

Owned

By

Me

Mine

No matter
How packaged
Sanitised
Distributed
Celebrated
Derided
Ignored
Amplifi­ed or erased…

They emanate from the spongy connected cosmic receptor
Between my ears

My mind
Inhabits my skull

Pervades
My fleshy
Bony
Hairy
******
Sinewy
Watery
Bilious

Humanity

My humanity

Humanit

Humani

Human

Huma

Hum

Hm
Hmm
Hmmm
Hmmmm
Hm­mm
Hmm
Hm
H

I want to think more clearly
I want to take more care
I want to breathe more deeply
Enjoying being here

I’d like to have more laughter
To taste the food I eat
I’d like to use my face to smile
At people that I meet

I’d like to sleep more deeply
And wake up more refreshed
I’d like to love my family
As if today’s my last

I’d like to feel my heart beat
And listen to its sound
Grateful for the miracle
That sends each day around

Thick tarry black matter
Clogs my neurones
Blocking the flow

Fragments of metal
Infiltrate my joints
And prevent me
From dancing

Desperate thoughts rise
Surfacing like weighty angels
Shouting
Impossible!
Impossible!
Impossible!

I never knew
That it could be so difficult

I never expected
To experience days like this

And yet

There has been joy

Companionship

Laughter
Closeness

Sunlight
And

Music
Of such purity

Only devils
Would try to disrupt

Days like these

When you’re in hell
And it seems impossible
To escape it

When you don’t know
Who to believe any more

When you are tired
Of the threats
Of an angry world

Believe in yourself
Believe

Pay no heed
To the honeyed voices
Of money chasers

Hold no court
With jealous naysayers

Trust in the flame
That burns
In the deepest layers
Of your life

After all
True joy
Only lies within

This painful road
Will turn

The fresh breeze
Of a new beginning

Awaits

People
Rush around
Other people
Who rush around
Other people
To create a swirl
Of activity

It seems
As if

Nothing stands still

And I
Worry
That
I am not doing enough

The future
Is
Undecided

Life
Knows
What
Is Best

To Face
Forwards
Means
To Struggle

To be
Part
Of
A better future

At half past five
I find a moment
To sit on my own

Alone at last
Against the darkness
Of the winter evening

The swirl of the day’s activities
Have ceased
For just a moment
And I sit in this old building
Listening to the moaning of the wind
As it rushes round the tall concrete walls

I wait for the moan again
A rubbery wail
As if an icy monster
Was lamenting the loss
Of its only child

In the distance
Children dance
And adults make their way
Through space

Contemplating
What it means
To be alone in this world

We are all alone
But we are in it together

A look
A smile
A word
A touch
Transports us from the loneliness
Into communion

I hear the children playing and screaming
Experimenting joyfully with the motion
Of each others lives.

I dream of holidays by the azure sea
The sun beating on my face
Of swimming freely in the waves
Of dozing on a comfortable sun lounger

I dream of music
Playing games
Laughter
Friends

Good food
Refreshing drinks
Breathing clean air
Staying up late
Lying in

Creating
Sharing ideas
Loving

Being one with the earth
Being one with others

I return
Only to dream again

A glimmer of hope
Is all that is needed
To break through the darkness

The human spirit
Is boundless
Creative
Free
Strong
And Unchained.

It is our gift
To the Universe
And our gift
From the Universe

I made a mistake
Am running late
When I thought I had it under control

But wait,
Nothing’s really under control
It’s only what’s done
Or not done
That creates order
Or disorder


Slowly surely
I try to build and re-build
But if I have to bend
Too far
I will break

Or have to change

Decide
Stay
Or go
But don’t be complicit

And regret it
Forever

Are we really thinking of bombs again?
Can it ever be justified to take a life?
The cycle of blame seems so never-ending
Who will state ‘Enough of this violence!’

How can we let our children grow up thinking
That killing is a defensible act?
Do we really believe we are curing the malady?
Are we really thinking of bombs again?

The truth is
I don’t feel strong
I feel weak
Dehydrated
Anxious

I woke at 3am covered in sweat
5am again
Got up at 6
Worrying about the day ahead

Tiny things
Simple things
That seem way beyond me

She cannot bear my weakness
I cannot bear her indifference

I watch with envy
Travelers boarding the train
I imagine their successful lives
Whilst denigrating my own
Asking, can I ever ever ever be happy?

I travel to a place I don’t want to go to
But there is no place
I do want to go

Last night I said I was overstretched in all areas
And yet here I am still
Fighting for myself
Fighting for...
What?

More of the same?

I sit
Silent
Still
One with inertia

Wind and rain swirl
Beyond the window

On the table
A candle flame
Sways gently

Eyes return
Waiting
As I sit
And Listen
For the answer

It’s time to decide
To break the news
Of one big change
For eternity

Is it possible?  
That I can free myself?
Decide and stick with it?

It’s tough
And yet
Procrastination is tougher

Years go by
In waiting

It might work out
Better
After all

Be resilient
Make tenacious efforts
Win at something every single day
Advance cheerfully and on good terms with everybody
I promise you I will build a society truly worthy of your love and pride

Shine with the light of courage
Shine with the light of capable people
Shine with the light of unity

Do your best in each moment
If this is where I am, this is where I will fight
Make courage bigger than fear
Sometimes, all we need is a thimble full of courage
Have the conviction that we can change the situation without fail
Don’t sell yourself short
Shine just as you are
In your own way
Bring out the light to penetrate the darkness you are facing
Achieve a great breakthrough
Lead a winning life
You can achieve anything

The point is
I can grow

Anyone
Can grow

The world is full of growth

Plants, trees, grasses
All growing
Reaching up towards the sun
Undaunted by the pressure of the elements

Roots penetrate deeply
Working to become stable and strong

In spite of everything
Birds fly
Cutting through gusts of wind
Building nests
Gathering food

I can grow
Even if words don’t come easily today
Even if all I can do
Is gaze at bending leaves
Stare at the silver of clouds
And contemplate the glow of sunrise

I release my self
From self-judgement
I experience death and life
As a new dawn breaks
Abandoning the pain of the struggle
And accepting it
Taking it all in

I think I made a mistake
In leaving the city

I think I made a mistake
In changing career

I think I made a mistake
In getting a mortgage

I think I made a mistake
In trying to be great

I think I made a mistake
In getting married

I think I made a mistake
Raising kids like I did

I think I made a mistake
In working long hours

I think I made a mistake
In admitting all this

Is it too late to turn back the clock?
To return to my teens and start again?

My mistakes are
Who I am

They make me
See more clearly

They are mine
And mine alone

They are the clothes
That wrap around me

And make me move
The way I do

They are
My possessions

My unique jewels
The scars

That make me…
Me

I prayed for an hour this morning
I thought about myself
I thought about other people
I thought about how
I keep myself apart

It’s a painful mistake
That leads me to darkness

I want to connect
But we are taught and told
To protect and reject
Things we should fear
People we should not let near

In love we experience closeness
And then separation
We are loved
And then lost

Moments of unity
In our physicality
All too fleeting
And we return to ourselves

We have to grow up
But I find I grow apart
I want to re-connect
Step by step
One conversation at a time
And grow differently

The pain of others suffering
Is sometimes too much to bear
I go numb
At the size and scale of it

So I close my door
And hope it will never happen to me
But without feeling their suffering
I can't do anything to help it
And I detest my numbness
Which becomes my suffering

I prayed for an hour this morning
And I will pray again this afternoon

I saw a friend in the park
He is going to let me visit him this afternoon
Even though I invited myself

There is a corner of my mind
That I am frightened to visit
There is a child who sits there
Alone

It is me
Alone
A child
In a corner

A child afraid
In a corner
I want to help myself
But I don’t know how

There is a corner of my mind
That I do not explore
Because I lack courage

I read about hope
Hope and boundless courage
These are the companions
I would like to befriend

Hope
Boundless courage
Courage that knows no bounds

I have been rejected
Time and again
And I become the child
In the corner of my mind

Lost
Frightened
Alone

With courage
With hope
Perhaps I can help the child to stand
Perhaps the adult can carry the child
To safety

Hope
Like a warm glow
Courage
Like a great gust of wind

My stomach feels tight
My chest full of aching discomfort
Wearily
Bleary  eyed
I travel into the predictability of a narrowing future

In spite of everything
I try to help the child to stand

'Don’t worry' I whisper
'I am here for you
I am here to help you stand
I would never scold you
I will only show you kindness'

Must we always fight?
Should our days and nights always pass this way?
What is it that one person does
That so angers another?
Could we not smile together?
Admire the fullness of each others lives?
Could we not step out of our own shoes
And into another’s
Just for a second?
Dust always dances through the air
I only see the particles when the sun shines
But they are always there
I share my vision
Slowly, carefully
With her
But should I share my emptiness with anyone?
Who would want to know it?
All I can do is share myself
As I am
And it is enough
For the moment
It is enough

First frost
Clings to tufts of winter green grass.
I am running
Running to feel
Something else.
I awoke sweating at 2.30am
On this Sunday morning
My mind in over driven panic
Just because
I have to face my future
My mind groans
Will I be this way for ever?
Will I ever break through?
I coax myself back towards the respite of sleep
And then I wake, knowing I cannot lie alone with my thoughts
They are not my friends.
So I get up
Wash up
Go running.
I meet people
Collect my daughter
Run errands
All, to stop the waterfall of my fear
As night time once more, draws near
And another week looms.
I occupy myself
Once again with things to stem
The tide of my subtext.
First frost
And a bird sings
So beautifully.

Fight, with all your might!
Fight, through faith.

Everything will be OK

Live long, proud and strong

Never compromise your integrity
Salute your own life
Salute others

Strive bravely to win
Do not fear your own darkness
Sit with it
Make it sing

Be happy!
And prove to the world you are.

Being able to change
How I feel
About how I feel

Being able to feel
Without wanting to stop
My feelings

Being able to be
Alive

Human

Wanting to be free
Wanting to be safe
Wanting to be
Free

In touch with Freedom
Safe with Freedom

Experiencing joy
Experiencing humanity

Feeling everything
All of
Me

What more would I desire?

Crisp Chardonnay, chilling delicately sculptured glass

You kiss my lips tenderly

All my wrongdoings pardoned in one moment,

I begin again

My life-worn body blessed with the fresh promise of opportunity,

You kiss my lips tenderly

Without question, without concealed agenda, a kiss unplanned.

At last to have that moment of intimate secrecy.

I will never forget her passion then,

Will I ever see it again?

Romance is not a thing of invention,

It always was and always shall be.

In Cloister café, I am once again loved


Could new life emerge from my being?

If it could, let it be from a moment of tenderness

A timeless moment of shared unity.

All pasts and futures abandoned in the act of creation.

We kiss tenderly.

I can smell the morning
I can smell the sea mixed with dew and light mist
Memories of my childhood return
Free from care
I wondered what my life would become

The river is my beautiful friend
Today it rests calmly
Quietly reflecting everything neatly

I love to be alone with my thoughts
On mornings such as these

Eight geese fly low over the river
Making a straight line for the city
One moment they are here
The next they are gone

I want to be proud of my life
Proud of who I am

Who I am is what I do

Now for a short while
I sit and write in these historic gardens
On this ornate bench
I breathe in the salty air

The sun appears
To warm my tired face
The grass sparkles here and there
With the remnants of early morning dew
And daffodils stand tall
Their flowers ******* in the sunlight

The birds of Westcliff are happy here
They sing brilliantly

Long parallel waves roll slowly across the flat river surface
Finally expiring on the shallow beaches

For this short time
I sit still among the workings of the day
While a bee zigs and zags and joggers jog
And dog walkers walk and drivers drive

Today
With dignified steps
Advance cheerfully
Be bright
Respect others
Listen
Make today wonderful
Listen
Respect others
Be bright
Advance cheerfully
With dignified steps
Today

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and

54

55

56

seconds