Do you know those Christmas Letters?
The one's that people love to send
The one's that make the family
Just feel like they're a friend

We get them every Christmas
And we cringe when they arrive
They make me want to  have a few
And go and drink and drive

I'd sooner jump off of a cliff
Than send these letters to
My friends and yes, my family
I hope that you would too

I don't care if you planted mums
or if the cat gave birth in May
You can phone if it's important
If you've got something good to say

I don't need to read a journal
Of every thing you did last year
If I really truly counted
You'd phone me up so I could hear

I like a card at Christmas time
But the letters have to end
don't even send them by e-post
Think twice and don't hit send

Next year I may send one myself
Something I've not done before
It's gonna be a long one
It will start in sixty four

So, please, although I love you
and I want you in my life
Don't send me Christmas journals
They're too heavy for my wife!!!

Rolled into town
With a chip on my shoulder
Big as a boulder
Footloose and free

I went to my woman
I stood there and told her
I thought we should fold her
Now it's just me

Love isn't easy
It's more than a game
You play what you're dealt
And there's no one to blame
Do something wrong
It's more of the same
Love isn't easy for me
NO....Love isn't easy for me

Needed some time
Found an old city bar
me and my guitar
Had two shots and a beer

Had me a drink
From an old, cracked fruit jar
Thick as coal tar
What it was, wasn't clear

Love isn't easy
It's more than a game
The players may change
The result's still the same
Think too ******* it
It'll drive you insane
Love isn't easy for me
NO...Love isn't easy for me

Went to the jukebox
Put some cash in
It was just then
my phone, signalled me

My ex said hey baby
Let's try it again
I counted to ten
It's my guitar and me

Love isn't easy
It's a new kind of hell
You think you're ok
But, you never can tell
Instead of in love
I wish I'd just fell
Love isn't easy for me
NO...Love isn't easy for me


Rolled into town
With a chip on my shoulder
Big as a boulder
Footloose and free

It doesn't matter if you're set
Christmas always comes
Even if you do forget
It doesn't matter if you're set

Even if real ****** you get
On egg nog with five different rums
It doesn't matter if you're set
Christmas Always Comes!!

If you've never pulled some tinsel
Out of your cat's ****
Or cleaned up after "Fluffy"
Eats the poinsetta and throws up

Surely, you've redecorated
After "Fluffy" climbs the tree
You hear it smash into the floor
In the morning, about three

You've used wire to support it
Keep it straight, that is your goal
To "Fluffy" it's her present
It's her brand new scratching pole

When the tree has got no water
But, the cat just has to ***
You have to fill the bowl again
Beneath the dying tree

You kick ornaments around the room
And find out that they're glass
Because "Fluffy" had to play with them
So, you kick her in the ***

It's a Family Christmas Ritual
If you're the owner of a cat
You can't decorate and leave it
She won't have none of that

Christmas is the season
For cats to drive you mad
And give you Christmas memories
You wish you never had

So, if you've never seen the tinsel
That the cat ate just last night
You can see it just below her tail
If the light just hits it right

This is why I have a dog....

It all came to halt...

The battle cries;
The swinging swords;
Cleaving halberds;
Even death's opening doors.

It all came to a complete stop.

Enemies from both sides, frozen in time.
All looking towards him.
The man shining brightest with hate and honor.
No, not the hero.
Instead the mighty warrior,
With an ode to a king to claim the sacred lands.

Arrows arching, painting the sky black.
Red rivers running, beneath the bodies of the fallen.
Burning; burning; burning smoke, filling the air.
The smell of death hanging near.

He changed that day.
The day he turned on his rage.

Legend insists to say.
He was the reason they won the war that day.

I WENT BACK TO THE CHRISTMAS PLAY
I HAVEN'T BEEN IN YEARS
AND JUST LIKE  ALL THE TIMES BEFORE
I BROUGHT ALONG SOME BEERS
IT WAS MY YOUNG SON'S DAUGHTER
WHO I HAD COME TO SEE
SHE WAS BETTER THAN MY SON HAD BEEN
SHE WAS WISE MAN NUMBER THREE

THE STORY, IT REMAINED THE SAME
OF JESUS AND HIS BIRTH
OF HOW THE ANGELS CAME AND TOLD
TO THE SHEPHERDS HERE ON EARTH
THE BOY WHO PLAYED THE ANGEL
WAS SUPPORTED BY A HOIST
HE WAS EXTREMELY NERVOUS
WHICH MADE HIS WINGS QUITE MOIST

HIS NAME WAS DAN AND HE WAS FROM
A TOWN OUTSIDE OF WHEELING
THE HOIST GAVE WAY AND ALL I SAW
WAS DAN SINGH ON THE CEILING
HE LANDED SAFE, THE PLAY WENT ON
AND NO ONE WAS THE WISER
UNTIL A WATER PIPE DID BREAK
AND STARTED SPEWING QUITE THE GEYSER

I SAT AND WATCHED WITH MY YOUNG SON
WE KEPT IT TO OURSELVES
BUT ONE WISE MAN WAS SIX FEET TALL
AND MADE THE OTHERS LOOK LIKE ELVES
I THOUGHT BACK TO THE  TIMES BEFORE
OF HOW THE PLAY ONCE WAS
IT NEVER REALLY WORKED OUT RIGHT
AND WE NEVER KNEW THE CAUSE

BUT HEADS FELL  OFF AND DONKEYS PEED
AND ANGELS LOST THEIR WINGS
BUT THESE WE ALL EXPECTED
THESE WERE SURELY SPECIAL THINGS
THAT MADE EACH PLAY DIFFERENT
EACH PLAY BECAME IT'S OWN
SPECIAL LITTLE MOMENT
AND EACH ONE STOOD  ALONE

NO ONE PLAY WAS PERFECT
BUT NEVER WOULD WE SAY
WE RATHER WOULD HAVE STAYED AT HOME
THAN COME OUT THERE THIS DAY
REMEMBER NOW, SOME YEARS HAD PASSED
SINCE I FIRST SAW THIS SHOW
F/X HAD NOW BEEN ADDED
AND THE BABY'S CRIB, IT GLOWED

THEY TAPED A BABY CRYING
TO COME OUT FROM THE CRECHE
IT WAS THE FIRST TIME EVER
JESUS CRIED LIKE DJ FRESH
THE TAPE THEY USED WAS BORROWED
BUT THE KIDS THEY DID THEIR DUTY
BUT IN THE BACK, BEHIND THE CRYS
WE ALL HEARD "SHAKE YER *****"

I CLOSED MY EYES PERCHANCE TO THINK
OF TIMES SO LONG AGO
OF FIGHTING THROUGH THE TRAFFIC
AND DRIVING IN THE SNOW
I LOOKED ACROSS AND THEN I SAW
MY SON HAD DONE THE SAME
I WONDERED THEN IF HE THOUGHT BACK
AND IF THIS  WAS JUST A GAME

THE PLAY WENT ON WITH OUT MUCH FUSS
AND WE ALL STOOD UP AND CHEERED
FOR EACH AND EVERY CHILD THERE
AND THE FEW THAT HAD REAL BEARDS
I SOUND AS THOUGH IT IS A WASTE
OF TIME, BUT THEN AGAIN
NEXT YEAR I KNOW THAT I'LL RETURN
TO WATCH FROM EIGHT TILL TEN.

Bill Watson was an average man
Had a wife and just one kid
He always gave top effort
At everything he did
But, one day, Bill was shaken
He was taken by surprise
By a visit from the heavens
And it was right before his eyes
Bill, went out into his backyard
And the sky lit up so bright
It could only be an angel
Come down to him that night
He looked, but couldn't make out
the shape that  came down  from the sky
He thought what was the reason
And he found no reason why
That he should get a visit
From an angel of the lord
His life was not of great importance
He was just one of the hoard
He believed and read his bible
But didn't quite live by the word
He went to church each year at Christmas
Although his sins could not be cured
But, here in his back garden
On his knees before the light
Bill Wilson confessed his sins to god
In the dark, this  Christmas night
He told the angel of his feelings
Of all the sins, of thought and deed
And he knelt there before the angel
waiting for the penance that he'd need
But, nothing broke the silence
Only Bill there in the yard
He couldn't quite make out the angel
though he tried so very hard
Then from behind the illumination
Came the word he waited for
"You've tripped the motion light, you *****"
"Now, come in and close the door!"