In light of recent self-awarness
I try my best to feel
less suffocated
by the instilled ideal
of forgiveness
and more accepting
of the primal, instinctive
need to express
what I cannot suppress

In light of recent self-awareness
I try my best to see
less of the drowning
nerve-racking
ticking
notion that is
The Moment
and more of the ambiently
serene concept of
The Present

In light of recent self-awareness
I try my best to be
less aware
and more myself.

It was spring when the old things get cleared away
and I opened a drawer that was mostly closed now;
in the back was a ring of keys I hadn't touched forever
because the doors they opened were gone.

My first car, a castoff from my father we used in high school
to go to practice, or for hamburgers, or to the movies
in a time when that was the most fun we could have.
I see the boys now, smiling and singing songs you never hear anymore.

The key to my the apartment I had going to school, a little place
I shared with Jimmy Redd just off campus where we
drank, caroused and learned how to cook hamburger helper
between working and going to class.

The key to my first office and the house I bought where
some of my kids lived and I had a future
that was wasted by trusting people whose most important
love was in the mirror every morning

Then there were no keys for years when I could not unlock
the doors I lived behind in places where
the only comfort was a date yet to come as I waited
and the world turned without me, changing everything

Which turned out to be for the best
For the last unused key was to my first home after leaving high school
the place love became real and where the missing part
of me had been waiting through her own trials.

I smiled and held the keys tight then put them back into the drawer
they are not useless as I thought
because the doors they open are those I will
always be able to enter.

When you were a phosphorus angel
     There was almost light,
And your glow became like the Fallen.
        
When you were holding my hand
       Your prints took over
Mine, like a stolen identity...
Willingly.

       And I was,
Because you were my existence
    In the abyss,
And your luminous spirit a breath
      Underwater.

And you were the storm
     That I left the shelter for,
A little grey can go a long way
      In a rain of sorrowing embers.

I was the reconstruction
     Of your project,
Rebuilding is never easy
But you stayed til I was me again.

       Life is big,
But so little in time,
     I am because you were,
I was because you're gone.

And then I  woke up in an ethereal hour,
As the sublime scent of a wild flower,
After roaming through many many lives,
As insects, birds and many kinds of animals,

When I by chance stumbled in to her eye
It was love, with out knowing who or why
In a  moment I mingled with her deep sigh
Such was the  alchemy, we soared to a level high

Later after many lifetimes of stars and many cycles,
Held within the depth of a dream, I realize this:
All I now need is a piece of tranquil blue sky,
to dissolve all clouds of avatars, be immortality, never to die.

Here in the desert
it's been raining
on and off
            for days
making the succulents and cacti
glisten with wetness
their thick skin sparkles
and catches nature's ironic eye
flowers and plants shine
so much better in the half-grey
Here in the prehistoric depths
Of rocky whitewash and silt
             flash floods rush through
flushing out all guilt
         And inside
a raging storm commences
and I feel so blessed
to be a part of this celebration
my lungs expanding in my chest
I breathe in deep
that fresh purity of air
let it cleanse right through me
from my toes up to my hair
It rushes in my body
taking no prisoners in its force
flows through every vein
cleansing poisons in its course
its power flows into me
washing out this stubborn pain
Turning the confusion
                     into clarity again
From inside subconscious thoughts
           realization thunders
rinsing from my mind
                 the emotional strain
and replacing it with euphoric wonders
Come, my raging desert tempest
Bathe me
       penetrate me with wet
restore and purify
my being
take over and disinfect
let me feel my own strength
until it pours out from my cells
into the space inside my heart
where love and lust still dwell
My tears mingle with the sweet drops
                as I fling arms open to the sky
releasing strikes of lightening
for every word I cry
as I summon, pray for lightness
mixed with the sturdiness of earth
Let joy rise up and bubble
within my being
as rebirth

1
Sorry I'm not enough
2
Sorry I'm not tough
3
Sorry I'm not pretty
4
Sorry I have no pity
5
Sorry I can't cry
6
Sorry I can't try
...
274
Sorry we clash
275
Sorry my eye is black
276
Sorry for my smile
277
Sorry for a while
...
423
Sorry I looked up
424
Sorry I looked down
425
Sorry I looked around
426
Sorry I looked at the ground
...
789
Sorry for the heartache
790
Sorry for the pleasure
791
Sorry for the misconception
792
Sorry for the false treasure
...
997
Sorry we connected
998
Sorry we felt at ease
999
Sorry you wasted so many years
1000
Apologies

There was a gas station down the street
From where I used to live
I would go there to people watch
Late at night
Always interesting what with the addicts and drunks
The cashier was a skinny guy
Continually smiling, warm
I never spoke to him,
When he talked, I listened
He never questioned me
I watched
I'd buy one can of Mountain Dew
Sit on the bench outside
Watch
Till my mountain dew was gone
Then I'd walk home
The very last night I went there,
Seven years ago
The cashier guy, he was always so gentle,
Smiling, warm
I walked over to him
I kissed him
Long, and with love
I kissed him,
And he kissed me back
I've never seen him again
I think about him,
His brown, side swept hair and kind eyes
I think I loved him
I wish I'd asked his name