all my friends loved drugs or liked to get ****** up
my boyfriend would shoot ****** and paint with my blood
i’ll sure as hell miss downing pills
but i think i want to live instead

i loved white nights bleaching my eyelids
i loved brunette boys who made me feel like jesus
getting ****** on rooftops watching the sun collapse
but i’m tired of waking up and feeling like ****

i had fun drinking ***** on hot, summer nights
and placing pills under my tongue until the world was vivid neon lights
holding hands with the boy who drank too much lean
but i think i want to make it past 2013

I was 16 years old and wanted to slice myself in half,
wondering if I would ever get the last laugh.
Wondering why the good things never last,
hoping I could one day go down the right path.

I was 16 years old and couldn't think straight,
stuck on the idea that I'd always be too late.
Hoping that the boy would ask me on a date,
Seeing only predictability and self hate.

I was 16 years old with a hair clip and a lighter,
wondering why no one else saw me as a fighter.
Trying different things to make the weight lighter;
mixed in with the invisible's and the over-biters.

I was 16 years old and the timing was always wrong,
feeling like the road of self-destruction was too long.
Doctors telling me what I had known all along,
just waiting for the day that I could sing a new song.

There are always people
who will want to pretend nothing ever happened
who will want to pretend that they didn't drive nails through your wrists
and that they don't see you bleeding dry through the gaping holes
There are always people
that say they want you to go far
and they tell you that if you dig deep enough, you'll dig a hole to China
but stand above ground, throwing dirt back in like a burial service
And there are people like myself,
who forget what they're writing about half way in
who have gaping holes in their wrists that were never from a cross
and bottomless holes in the pit of their stomach
that never led to China.

My eyes have gone empty,
And my hands started shaking again,
The exhaustion it takes just to pretend-
Yes, all is well.

Whats a home? Mines become a prison,
When I disappear you will all see,
My ******* anxiety was eating me-
Yet I still smiled.

Lately everything’s so ******* dull,
I don’t know how to save myself anymore,
The wounds on my wrist are too sore-
I can’t breathe.

The puzzle is never solved.
They are looked at and pointed at
by children who don't know
that we're supposed to pity them.

Oh Son, Oh Daughter
they have Autism!
Oh, I feel so bad!

The straight jackets and shocks
have turned to stares and mocks.

They didn't to choose to be born this way
a piece of a puzzle that doesn't fit.

We look at them and thank God that its
not us.
Its not me.
But the indifference doesn't work.
We thank God that its not us.

But do we ever feel any empathy?
If you could imagine having a retardation
never really fully understanding anything

A chromosomal abnormality that would
affect your whole life forever.

Having to be watched
always having someone taking care of you
you would never have any independence.

Autism seemed to be their name
"he's Autistic"
It wasn't their name.
There is much more to them.

These people used to be tortured
people thought that they had a demon inside of them
that we had to get out.

What we never realized was that
the real demon was us.

He sits there,
Silent and disconsolate.
His heart is a mess, His mind taken over by
The intoxicating smell
Of her.
              A putrid glance attracts his attention
              The blackness creeping by, Slowly.
Embracing, Hesitating. Silent footfalls.
No control anymore.
               Every move an impulse,
               Given birth by longing.
And grief?
She who was the moon, Is clouded now.
She who was the sun, Eclipsed.
                Without her light, he is
                                                                                          Lost.
He is of her, Filled with thoughts of her,
Her smile, Her laugh Her hair,
The way she drew stars in a never ending sky
                                                                        Of a hopeless breath.
he lies down now, overpowered.
Immersing himself in water, he drowns.
                    *in Nothingness.