The lies we tell
our lovers
our friends
Hurt more than any
Malice could.
I'll always love you.
I'll always be your friend.
Don't ever say those words.
They cut deeper than you know.

I've used up the speed I used to need
Running hard at walls
All I got was blood and snot
And a large boot in the *****
But it's not over
Nothing's done
Oh no
The fight goes on

I've had knock backs from throwbacks
And been ridiculed by imbeciles
Half wits have had their say too
But eventually I'll get through
The fight goes on
On and on
Until I change their minds

                                         By Phil Roberts

When I was a young man
A heedless headlong consumer of life, was I
Above and beyond the norm or necessity
I wore paths deep and wide
To the pleasure centres of my brain
And I rode my soul like an easy *****
Oh happy daze of hedonism
How sweet life tasted then

If there was drink to drink
We drank it
If there were songs to sing
We sang them
If there were fights to fight
We fought them
We had fast feet and faster wits
If there was hell to raise
We raised it
Excess and adventure in equal parts
How fast, how high we flew back then

And then the magic playground
Became a bleak and dangerous place
Peopled by predators and prey
In an ever changing food chain
And I was only one step away
From the totally oblivious
One brain cell ahead of
The permanent reality challenged
Then friends began casually dying
Barely noticed in the rush to join them
Now the race is on
And I have grown old and slow

                                              By Phil Roberts

Thank you
So much
You *******

Who do you think you are?
How dare you
Remind me of my insanity?

Do you hear the whispers
Of a thousand different demons?
Do you feel the collar choking your neck?
Does your head spin?
Does your body feel weak?

How dare you
Lecture me for my anxiety
When I know
That I need to change

I'm working at my pace
Not yours
Because it's not your problem

Yes
I get your concern
Especially considering I don't leave my room
But who do you think you are?

Reminding me
That I'm ******* insane
That I'm not normal
Just pushes me closer to the edge

I. *******. Know.

I know I need to change
I know I need to get out
I know I need to talk to people

I already know
So lecturing me
Doesn't help anyone

I have built a shell
To protect myself from the world
And yelling at me
To get out of this shell
Just makes me cower further inside

Are you the one
Who had a panic attack
From ordering lunch?
Are you the one
Who is constantly paranoid
That no one loves you?
That you don't matter?
That everything around you is a lie?

I didn't think so

So who are you
To tell me it's all in my head?
To tell me it's my choice?
You might as well tell me to get over it
To **** it up and move on

Would you say that to me
If my leg was broken
And it caused me pain?

No
You would tell me
To sit down and relax
Even if it's just for a few minutes

My mind
Is broken
Into a thousand different pieces
And I'm trying
So. ****. Hard.
To put it back together
But your words
Shatter what little progress I have made

So you, sir
Can **** right off
And leave me alone
Because this is my war
Not yours

You have no right
To say a **** thing
Especially considering
You've never been cursed
With a mental illness

Now don't get me wrong
I'm not looking for pity
I just hate when you push me

But most of all
I hate this
With a passion
I don't want to be insane
But it's the hand I was dealt
And I'm working with what I got

I don't know
Why my anxiety has gotten so bad
It's a mystery to even me
But until you walk a mile
In my shoes
You have no right to say anything

No
*******
Right

constant pain can leave you in a quandary
is this the first pain of death?
half way across the final frontier?
so far now no going back?
how bad will it get?
And then all settles down to a constant thrum
daily doses of the same old same.
Your cross. And you are embarrassed for the internal weakness,
your personality, the panicked person, not ready for death.

cartoons did it for me for awhile
then people watching, much funnier
then I saw myself in the mirror, in the mornings
and I need look nowhere else
if ever there was a lunatic, it was right there in the mirror
ageing so slowly it takes a photograph to tell me the truth.

Sometimes i feel like i'm both the hero and as well as the villian of my life...i create good things out of nothing and then destroy those good things...and this cycle just keeps on going...there seems to be no end to it.

I guess you were showing me I have choices
To manipulate those inner voices
The liars in me that deceived
Their fictions I had hitherto believed
Those voices took a while to surmount
Of the tortured days I lost my count
Repeating threats and mocking me
They taunted me most horribly
But sometimes they soothed my head with music
Imploring me to wisely use it
Giving me words and rhymes and ideas
Quelling all my awful fears
Knowing that they can be seduced
My voices I cleverly reduced
To my handy, willing apprentices
Even though I’m still cognis mentis
The obstacle remover gave me a chance
To improve my life and to enhance
My experience of the world as a whole
I’m so glad she touched my soul

How to hold this rage,
To keep belly-fire
Burning

In righteous anger

As manifold wrongs
Surround.

How to keep this rage
When love balm
Overflows
To calm the furnace